An Islamic Christmas!
by Ahreeman X
December 20, 2006

Sandy Claws is coming to Town!

Olaq Qoli and The Christmas Long-Ears Chorus:
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one donkey open sleigh
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ……

Allow me to put on my Christmas Alter Ego Suit and transform to my favorite Christmas Alter Ego:
"The Sandy Claws"! Here we go again ……..

Sandy Claws:
Ho Ho Ho ho ho ho ….. Howl Howling …………. Howwwwwwl …….. Merry Christmas …..

Hell O ….. Hello Kiddies, yeeees it is that time of year again …… so gather around this old evil story teller for yet another fine story of the season about Christmas, or shall we say the story about "An Islamic Christmas"!

It was a night before Christmas in Jamaran, when suddenly Imam got horny! So he called all his employees to give them a "Bonus". It was time for employees of Allah to get their "Christmas Bonus", but suddenly he figured out that the national budget is empty because he sent all the dough to Al Hamas, Al Jihad, Hezbollah and …, so he gathered them around and instead of Christmas Bonus, he gave them a "Christmas Boner", but not just any old boner, yet a Holy Shiite Boner! Now let me tell yous a few Christmas Tales from Jamaran ……

The Story of The Christmas Bulge

In IRI Constitution, presidential candidates can run for the 3rd term but not consecutive!

Santa Memei: Have you been good in your second term and been protecting the Velayat's Benefits?
President Matami: Yes Santa. Now can I tell you what I want for Christmas?
Santa Memei: Yes my son, what would you like for Christmas?
President Matami: I would like to run for the third term, will you support me?
Santa Memei: Yes my son …….. but conditional.
President Matami: Oh thank you Santa, thank you so much, happy happy joy joy.....
Santa Memei: Now boy, come here and sit on Santa's lap, what a big boy you are, smooth skin, Oooh ye.....
President Matami: what are you doing Santa, your squeezing me too hard!
Santa Memei: Boy, just be good for goodness sake and Santa gives you what you want for Christmas, nice boy, Oooh, good boy.
President Matami: Hey Santa, what's that hard thingie I feel between my buns?
Santa Memei: It's The Christmas Bulge, you got to sit on it like a good Hojatol Eslam. I want to give it all to The Reform Movement. Rahbar knows best.
President Matami: Ouch, ouchi....... I don't like The Christmas Bulge!
Santa Memei: Take it boy, it's for the good of The Umma' al Islam.
President Matami: How can boning The Reform Movement be good for Umma'?
Santa Memei: Be quiet boy, you don't understand, it is all related! You are only a small boy, but I will stretch you and you will become a Big Boy! Imam Knows best.
President Matami: Santa, would you like some cookies instead?
Santa Memei: No, just shake your bonbons and The Third Term will be in the bag boy! Allah is passionate ......

Christmas Bunny Massoumeh: Oooh Rahbar, let go of the kid and dig into the main dish! I was the true brains in the office of presidency and I was sick of being only his vice. What will you give me if I sit on the Christmas Bulge? Can I be the next president? A Zeynabi Lady President is great publicity for the image of The Islamic Republic! What do you say Santa-ollah?!
Hamadi Elf: Imam, Imam, I want to run for the second term, I want to run for the second term, don't promise it to anyone else!

Akbar Jack The Frost: All of you can run for the presidency, as long as you leave the economy, natural resources and Beytol-mal to me. I will slush away them dough, directly into my Cayman Islands, Dubai and Swiss accounts!

Story of The Christmas Giant Elf!

Little Elf: Praise be upon Allah! Hamadi, How did you get so big?
Hamadi Elf: Well, Mahdi is my protector! First I was a little elf as Terhan's Major, then I drank my milk, ate my Halaal cookies and played "Muslims and Jews" (1) with Big Boys' of IRGC (Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps), so during last Erection (Islamic Election), they made a coup and appointed me as their loudmouth spokesman! Now I am a Giant Elf playing global politics!
Little Elf: So what's the moral of the story?
Hamadi Elf: You maybe little now, but drink your milk and eat your Halaal cookies. Also play with Sepah Generals' LongHorns (2) and one day you will grow to become a Big Elf!

(1) Muslims and Jews: A Middle-Eastern childhood game version of "Cowboys and Indians", except that the Jews are not yet extinct like Indians!
(2) LongHorns: Circumcised healthy tools of Sepah's Generals in Tehran!

Ghosts of The Christmas Past and Future!

Saddam: I used to be Jolly, now I'm in a locked up trolley!
Mullah Qader: Do you think I have the charisma to run for president?
Saddam: Why not, Mahmoud did!
Mullah Qader: Then count me in ……… Qader for president!

The Christmas Long-Ears Chorus
A Christmas Ditty

Alef Bache: Oh Oh oh ……. Looki look… Sandy Claws, It is The Christmas Chorus!
Sandy Claws: Look kiddies! It is The Umma' of Good Fellow Muslim Long-Ears! The Islamic Christmas Chorus indeed! They are on our Lawn and they will sing us a beautiful Christmas Carol! Sing along boys….

Olaq Qoli and The Christmas Long-Ears Chorus:
First the Chorus clears their throats,
Arrr Arrr Arrr Arrrrrrrr…… Hee Haw Hee Hawwwwwwww….

(Sing along with Christmas Rhythm everybody ..........)

Bang Young Tolabs in the back rooms, tra la la la la, lala lala
Bang them young boys in the Dark Rooms, tra la la la la, lala lala

Heat and Passion in the Mosque Rooms, tra la la la la, lala lala
Do some good deed for The Allah, tra la la la la, lala lala

Fraging in The Mosque is joyful, Fala la la la, la la la
Ayatollahs on top of Tolab Boys, Fala la la la lala lala

Islamic Christmas full of joys, Fala la la la Fala la la
Passionate Clerics are close to Allah, Fala lala la la, la

Bang and Joys inside the Mosques, Frag o lala la, lala la
Benefits High in The Heaven, Frag o lala la, lala lala

Holiday Season painful pleasures, Fala la la la, Fragollah
Bangarooni full of Kooni, Fala lala la, Fragollah

What a religion, full of passion, Fala lala la la Fragollah
Pleasure Victims pray to Allah, Fala lala la Bangollah

Joy to the world, Mohammad was born
Buns will be torn, Ali … will … moan!

Hussein will cum, Abbas is torn
Joy to the world, Mohammad was born

Fala lalal la, la Bangoallah
Falal lalal la, Dollah Dollah ………

Ho Ho Ho
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Everybody
Allah is Passionate and Merciful

Gav: How did you like the show?
Olaq: It was great. I especially liked the Chorus, they are our kind o people!
Gav: How did you like Mr. President's performance?
Olaq: He was great. He made me proud, he is one of us! He is our kind o people!

Olaq Qoli and The Christmas Long-Ears Chorus:
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one donkey open sleigh
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ……

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