X Diaries: Cayman Islands
Written: September 20, 2002
Republished: October 31, 2007
Cayman Islands' Shores
here we come! Off to Caymans, the major off shores banking capital
of the world located in Caribbean Sea. Basically the days of depositing
money in Swiss Bank Accounts are over. Them slide Little Devils;
the Brits monopolized the market! Yes, they invented an independent
Cayman Islands, a Brit Commonwealth, with off shores tax free
Bank Accounts, the heaven on Earth for anyone who would like to
stash a great amount of tax free dough, well hidden from all snoopy
eyes such as IRS! Like Caymans was not enough, they also created
The Turks and Caicos Islands, also in Caribbean.
Britannia Villas, Hyatt Regency, Cayman Islands
overview: With no direct taxation, the islands are a thriving
offshore financial center. More than 40,000 companies were registered
in the Cayman Islands as of 1997, including almost 600 banks and
trust companies; banking assets exceed $500 billion. A stock exchange
was opened in 1997. Tourism is also a mainstay, accounting for
about 70% of GDP and 75% of foreign currency earnings. The tourist
industry is aimed at the luxury market and caters mainly to visitors
from North America. Total tourist arrivals exceeded 1.2 million
visitors in 1997. About 90% of the islands' food and consumer
goods must be imported. The Caymanians enjoy one of the highest
outputs per capita and one of the highest standards of living
in the world.
are the New Switzerland of the world! The new Taxless Bank Accounts
of the world! And guess who are one of the most prestigious customers
of Cayman Island's Banks?
right! On top of the list, there is Mr. Rafsanjani the richest
and the most intelligent Charlatan of IRI. Mr. Rafsanjani is the
only person in IRI who knows anything about Economy, well at least
about how to build himself up economically!
Akbar Shah and 1001 nights at The Cayman
revolution, he was a Fixer Upper, buying collapsing buildings,
fix them up and selling them 3 times the price. He also had some
land and Pistachio fields.
revolution, approximately now, he is the richest man in Iran.
Mr. Rafsanjani practically owns:
Plantations Agriculture of Iran
* Pistachio Export Business of Iran
* Huge Fruits/Vegetable Chain Farms all over Iran
* Huge chunk of Export Fruit/Vegetable Products
* Fish Canneries Factories
* Big chunk of Caviar/Sturgeon Caviar Fish business of Iran
* Export Business of Persian Gourmet Products, Delicacies, Caviar,
Pistachio products, candies, pastries, and other Gourmet goods
* Distribution centers for Persian top Gourmet delicacy products
* Supermarket Chains inside and outside Iran
* Real Estate Empire inside Iran including great amounts of fertile
* Real Estate Empire inside Iran including great amounts of building,
industrial, housing lands
* Real Estate Empire inside Iran including Fruit Valleys and massive
* Factory stocks and bonds
* Different types of Factories and Industries
* Specialty High Tech Stocks
* Small valleys, villages, and towns
eats lots of Fesenjan Polo and practically owns and runs an Empire,
which owns a huge chunk of Iran's Agriculture, Industry, Stocks,
and Manufacturing. Mr. Rafsanjani practically owns the Persian
Delicacy Gourmet business of Iran. We are not even talking about
the strange amounts of vanishing income from Oil, precious stones,
precious metals, mines, etc., dollars which disappears from the
national budget and ends up in his bank account yearly! Even without
these side money chunks, he is still the undisputed,
King of Iran.
He is indeed
worthy of his title:
Oh ye, Akbar
Shah is the present ruler of the magnificent land of 1001 nights
called Persia! But for some strange reasons, this Shah has learned
from the past historical lessons and has a tendency to send all
his cash by the planefull loads to Caymans rather than spend or
store them in the land of 1001 nights, Persia!
My hat is
off to him. He is an Economical Genius! He used to pick lice and
Termites off his pajamas and Tonban before the 79, and now he
sprays Bijan Persian made cologne on his Eve Saint Lauren Aba
Robe and Cape, and Charles Jordan Turban! No one knows exactly
what is the man's net worth! We are talking billions and billions
of dollars unknown! Once they accused his son for slushing millions,
and he told the reporters:
fools, why would he sneak a few millions in his pocket?! Few millions
means nothing to him! When you talk to us, talk billions!"
chump change for Rafsanjanis!
oops sorry, I mean Faezeh Hashemi Rafsanjani, his daughter, is
another failed untalented spoiled woman, a failed ex politician
and a present fashion boutique owner and a businesswoman, living
a luxurious life, thanks to Big Daddy Fesenjani!
Shah indeed, the undisputed Economical Brain of Iran, making dollars
by paying no tax in Iran, sending them to Cayman Islands and again
paying no income tax over there! One of the best customers of
Banks of Cayman Islands and Swiss Banks, Akbar Shah.
So here we
are in this trip, it will be for all business, politics, High
Tech, and of course pleasure purposes. Cayman Islands one of the
sweetest British Colonies in the world!
As long as
I am truly amazed of how much dollars have actually the leaders
of Islamic Republic stacked up in Cayman Islands, then it made
me to actually take the lead to go do a survey but of course,
I also need to figure out the range of Akbar Shah's variety of
Bank Accounts, Stocks, Bonds, Real Estates, etc., in Caymans.
I believe Akbar Shah is in a competition with King of Saudi and
Bill Gates to see who can shove more dollars in Grand Cayman in
a certain time period of a season, for instance Fall! They say
he calls himself and likes people to call him "The Commander
of Construction" (Sardar-e Sazandegi)! This is due to all
the construction that he had done for the nation! But the only
thing that he has constructed is his belly and wallet! His belly
grown humongous since 1979, due to eating a lot of Chicken, Filet
Minion and Ground Beef Kabobs (Jujeh, Barg and Kubideh Kabob),
also his wallet got fat due to unlimited amounts of Tax Free Dollars!
I would love to meet Akbar Shah in Cayman and just ask him about
the inside story of his success!
But then again,
I think I know pretty well about the secret of his success! The
The best business
in the world! Tax free dollars made in Iran from 8 tentacles of
an octopus named Akbar Shah, due to ignorance of backward, fanatical,
Allah Worshiping Shiites with Shiite in the skull rather than
brains. Octopus Akbar suck them dollars from Iran while idiots
pray to Allah in the Mosques and then he take them dough abroad!
At the same time to practically owns the Basij Militia, Kar Gozaran
specialist Businessmen, and technocrats! At the same time having
a bunch of baboon Muslim to worship you as an Ayatollah and Marja'e
Taqlid! And final stage is to build an Empire worth billions of
dollars simply due to the fact that majority of Iranians have
Shiite for brains!
Until we have
Cattle in Iran, men like Rafsanjani will never see a day of poverty!
With the amount
of Donkeys, Sheep and Cows who live in Iran and prays Allah in
the Iranian Mosques or homes and prays for the health of Akbar
Shah, while reading a couple of Hail Prophet Salavat for his good
wealth, and with the amount of Kiss Ass Muslim Baboons, Arab Worshipers,
Degenerates, sell outs, charlatans and assassins that our glorious
Islamic Regime produces yearly, then hell.............. is there
any wonder that Rafsanjani Fixer Upper is now Akbar Shah?!
been asking many times over that what is Iran's main product of
export, wealth and production?
talk about Oil, Copper, Uranium, Fruits, Vegetables, Persian Rugs
and Carpets, Pistachios, Caviar, Precious stones, Jewelry, .........................
the country is so rich, so wealthy, so blessed, so loaded that
we can't for sure say which product is number one! I say, they
are all mistaking! I say Iranian main export, Iranian main product,
Iranian main production line is the Unlimited line of the Shiite
for brains, Allah praying Cattle including:
species of the Persian Donkeys, Mule, Sheep, Goats, and of course
the ever famous,
Our main export
are Shiite Cattle!
Let me tell
you about an event that just happened before I left for this trip:
We got so
many Persian Obedient Cattle in Iran that they are coming out
of our nose, throats and ears! There are so many of them that
just a few days before I left town, I saw a couple in Costco Chain
Wholesale Warehouse Department stores near my house! Damn, the
male Donkey and the female Donkey both had good Islamic garment
on! The difference was that the male had a banded collar Islamic
shirt but the female had a Lachak scarf! Other than that, they
were both, good decent members of "Umma' al Hemar" (Masses
of Donkey Cattle Group)!
thing was that they were both standing next to the wholesale booze
section, specifically near Russian Vodka section (Persian Specialty)!
It was obvious that they were FOP (Fresh Out of Plane) from Tehran!
It was obvious that they were Hezbollah or connected to Hezbollah
or some other type of Shiite! And they were analyzing the Russian
Vodkas and American Black Label Whiskies until they saw us approaching
and talking Persian! You had to see the look on their faces! It
was like seeing a ghost! Like a Fox caught red handed in the chicken
ranch! They shiited themselves, they were so afraid that we might
have also been Hezbollah or Haji Type and we would have reported
them to Tehran on their analyzing Haraam Alcoholic Drinks! You
know the way that I always wear band neck shirts, he might have
thought that I am also a good old Muslim boy! So suddenly they
stood away from the booze and stared at us and listened closely!
As usual me and my entourage who follow me even to the bathroom
were yacking and bull shiiting, cruising Costco and talking Shiite
in Persian and suddenly we saw the Muslim Cattle near the booze!
Oopsi Doopsi Dooper Doo! Caught red handed!
So the Blondie
The Brunettey goes: "Shiites all over the place!"
The Hench Man goes: "Why don't they take the Shiite back
to the Shiite hole?"
The way I
was walking in front of the gang like an oversized thug in Black,
they thought for sure I gonna cuss them out while pulling their
Lachak and Tonban and create an embarrassing situation for them
right in the middle of Costco! The way I was walking towards them,
looking at them and the gang were following me, they thought for
sure we gonna bang on their heads so hard that they almost started
praying to Allah! I even heard a Qol O Vallah or two! But I just
smiled at them and told them: "Haji, Haj Khanum, just relax
and continue Alcohol Shopping, no sweat! Take some Stolichnaya
and Johnny Walker for souvenirs too! No one will snitch to Tehran,
relax and continue shopping, but please loosen up when going back,
on calling America, "The Great Satan", will ya? Just
look around you, land of freedom, variety of products, cheap with
no inflation, buy as much as you want, even sample everything,
hell.....it's like having a lunch in Costco while sampling all
the food products from sample givers! Isn't this heaven? Hell
ye! Don't you just love Great Satan? Allah is Merciful...."
stood there with their mouths wide open, staring at me amazed,
while I passed them by smiling. After we passed the isle, I turned
around and I saw the husband pointing at me whispering to his
wife and when he saw me turning around he started smiling back
at me, holding his hand on his chest, doing a half bow (Persian
Style) out of respect and Persian Flattery, yelled at me "Qorbune
shoma" (Persian Flattery meaning I sacrifice myself for you),
and the wife was smiling and trying to cover her hair with one
hand and holding her other hand to her chest and thanking me in
Persian "Merci Qorban" (Thank you sir)! But you know
what was funny? She did not use the word "Tashakor"
or "Moteshakeram", which are the more Islamic choice
of Persian, but they used the common French originated Persian
word "Merci" for "Thanks"! Dang, isn't that
And I smiled
back and yelled "Jigaretuno,......rahat bashin"!
Now this one
is a kind of hard to translate! It is an expression which literally
it means "Your Liver", short for "I wanna eat your
liver" (Jigareto)! However it really means either:
Your a cool
guy and I love you.
Your a cool girl and I dig you.
it even used for expressing passion to a woman, meaning you want
to eat her up like a tasty Liver Dish! So basically it means just
relax, I love you! So anyway, when I saw them unlike their get
up alfit, being such westoxicated hypocrites in Muslim Clothing,
I just felt like having mercy on them and let them enjoy their
shopping without making a scene that I often do! They indirectly
thanked me for being cool and I indirectly thanked them for being
such typical Persian Hypocrites living Dual Lives! It was like
an Islamic Bull Shiite System of understanding between the couple
and I. Hell maybe in my old ages, I am giving up on changing Iranians
or humanity in general for embetterment! Maybe I am giving up
on humanity and just accept them as the slime maggots that they
are and let them live piggishly happy in one large Islamic Dual
Lives Bangarooni! Allah is Merciful, let's bang and let people
Oh dear me!
I even felt good about being nice to Umma' al Allah! I felt kind
of like Santa Clause but with Kolah Namadi (Persian Style)! If
I would stay there for another minute, I might have even end up
going out with them for a cup of tea and reminiscing! Maybe I
would end up going to their place of stay or house for Persian
Lunch! Dear me! Yes, my friends, what can I say, I am only a Persian
and Duality runs in my veins! I just hope that I wont turn to
yet another Hypocrite "Desk Baller" Baboon so called
Up-Position (Opposition) leader or member behind my Fat Desk in
my large office playing Arshimalalan with my Shambool on my leather
rolling office chair! Shiite, this behavior is contagious! Prays
Cayman Islands, here we go.....
the Islands are filled with banks and tourist attractions. You
will see people in suits and people in Hawaiian Shirts! You will
see banks and financial institutions and then resorts next to
Now back to
our story, let me tell you about Caymans, the main businesses
over there are banking and tourism. If you're there to do banking,
you look at tourists with pity because you must be a busy businessman
with no time to rest or play at the shores and if you are there
as a tourist, you look at the business people with envy because
you only wished that you had the minimum amount to open a privileged
tax free, high interest bank account over there to make a killing!
Akbar Shah must be the only person who is exempt from this rule,
cause when he drops by the Island, he is both businessman and
a tourist! He is a well-known character among the Island's officials.
Hell, Cayman Islands
I interfered with the girls relaxing at the beach! They were just
wondering that what excuse could I bring for them not to rest
at the beautiful Beaches of the Caymans?! I mean, there is no
historical/archeological sites in Caymans, so what would I come
up with this time, to not allow them to play at the beach?! Strange
but yet I came up with a new attraction to get the girls away
from the beach! A place named Hell, Cayman Islands! Yes you heard
it right, "HELL" Cayman Islands! Hell, is a little village
in Caymans with interesting Geological Land Layers due to receding
of the Ocean Water and Reshaping of the Land Area at the shores!
It is a desert area and hot like Hell. The girls could not believe
it but somehow they ended up being tricked by me into going to
Hell rather than rest ashore on the beaches of George Town (Capital)!
So next you know we were on the bus to Hell!
Geological Rock Formations, Hell, Cayman Islands
What the hell are we doing on this bus going to Hell?
Blondie: Beats me! We are accompanying Satan in his trip to Hell!
Br: I mean, why would someone want to go to Hell than the shores?
Bl: Only Doc
Br: How does he find these attractions?
Bl: From his Hellish Atlas of Evil!
Br: What is there to see at Hell?
Bl: Him, praising himself!
Br: Damn him, we will go back to SD and they ask us did you at
least swim at Cayman Islands and what will we say?
Bl: We will say no, but we got to go with Doc to Hell!
Br: Sometimes I hate him......
Bl: Yes, he has that effect on women!
X: Ladies paleese relax and enjoy Hell.
Br: But we are, oh yes we do, we are in Caymans where everyone
is at the beach but we are going to a deserted hell called Hell
in Cayman Island.
Bl: Why do we take this abuse?!
Br: Damn him, son of a ......
Bl: Hey Doc, has it occurred to you that we are here to enjoy
the peaceful Caribbeans? And we are not here for a Historical/Archeological/Geological
Tour of the Land Mass?
Br: Did you hear that you son of a .......? (on and on and on...)
Hell was Full Sign, Grand Caymans
got to Hell, the local gift shop, the strange land mass, even
the statue of The Devil! I ended up taking a picture with The
Wooden Devil at Hell, Cayman Islands! So we roamed around Hell
and then we went back with girls (non-stop bitching)! Back to
the ship and onto the dinner table,
What did you guys do, we went scuba Diving?
Short Blonde: Yes we went treasure hunting under sea.
Boston Jew Girl: We went Speed Boat Riding
New York Jew Girl (originally from Mexico): Yes the boat was so
much fun, how about you?
Jersey Puerto Rican: I went Scuba diving with the girls
Tall Blonde: So what did you guys do?
Blondie: Doc went to Hell and we watched him rot in Hell!
Brunettey: Ye we had a ton of fun!
X: Now girls, paleese behave!
X: So I saw you tanning on the deck near the pool, you have such
a nice tan (to the tall blonde).
Tall Blonde (Giggles): So nice of you to notice......
X: Well I am often also trying to achieve and in quest to reach
a full body tan......
Blondie: Don't you get tired of flirting with girls Doc?
Brunettey: Ye, down boy, she lives in DC, long distance relationships
never work Doc.
X: You guys are embarrassing me in front of our guests.
Bl: Keep it in your pants doc.
Br: Ye, take a cold shower Doc.
X: Whose talking about a long distance relationship! How about
a brief romance on the ship? Just a little passionate encounter?
(at this point The Tall and The short Blonde were laughing to
Tall Blonde: You guys are funny, so Doc, what relation do these
ladies have with you?
X: They follow me around the globe to remind me of the remainder
of the prison term that the judge provided for me back home, the
sentence was to live with them in San Diego!
Bl: No he is just being silly, we are his body guards to keep
him safe and sound, she is (pointing to Brunettey) his nurse and
I am his lawyer.
Tall Blonde: Why does he need a nurse and a lawyer?
Bl: Because he is a mentally ill escaped convict!
Tall Blonde: You girls are so funny..... (laughter...)
X: Ye, they used to play an act in the circus before I found them,
a fine circus act indeed.....
Tall Blonde: Oh stop......you guys kill me... (everybody in laughter)
Short Blonde: I am peeing myself, oh God...........
The Famous Wooden Devil, Hell, Cayman Islands
After the dinner, as usual things got political, I have that effect
on the crowd in parties...... and everyone were discussing politics.....
afterwards, I went on the deck for a walk and this is when someone
tapped me on the shoulder:
Male: Hello sir
X: How you doin?
N: Fine and you?
X: Great, what can I do you for?
N: I want to speak a bit private with you sir
N: Let's go on the top deck at the corner
X: Got ya (We Moved)
N: OK, this is good
X: Tell me?
N: I want to be very clear with you sir.
X: Please be.
N: I know who you are and I will tell you who am I.
X: What a surprise, I wondered how long it will take you guys
to have a chat with me!
N: I see you know the routine.
X: Yes sir
N: Let me put it this way, I am with Cruise Liners Security and
Norwegian Secret Service, you can call me Mr. Olavsen. These days
(after 9/11) things are not stable, so we were monitoring you
and your crew, we monitor calls, conversations, and Internet use.
But you didn't use Internet!
X: Yes, I never go near a computer when at vacation, it's a pact
that I made with myself long time ago.
N: We know all about you, we know your background and we know
you were not just vacationing in Caymans.
X: Well, business and pleasure, you know....
N: All I want to tell you is that we are hosting some citizens
of Islamic Republic of Iran on this ship, some are diplomatic
and some are successful businessmen with their families. We have
a diplomatic relation with Islamic Republic of Iran, it is a good
relation and we want to keep it that way. We don't want any trouble
on board of this ship. Do we understand each other?
X: I promise you nothing political is going on here.
N: Are you sure?
X: Absolutely sir. I am just resting here.
N: Then how do you explain your actions?
X: What actions?
N: Since the beginning of the cruise, the eight of you have been
sitting on the same table at dinner and discussing issues, why
X: The eight of us? We just happen to be sitting on the same table,
but we ended up becoming friends. And what's wrong with that?
N: Friends? Do you know who these friends are?
X: Well ye, the tall blonde is a government employee and the short
blonde is a secretary in DC, the curly hair Jewish girl is an
art teacher in high school from NY and the straight hair Jewish
girl is a College Counselor from Boston and then there is the
Puerto Rican from Jersey who works with Jersey Transit. Of course
there are the Blonde and Brunette ladies with me who are technical
people from San Diego and I imagine you know me, I am a University
instructor. Hows that?
N: Hows that? You must take us for fools, you Americans think
lowly of us Europeans, don't you? Ok, let me revise that sir,
The Tall Blonde and The Short Blonde are CIA.
The two Jew Girls are Mossad.
The Puerto Rican Man is with Jersey Transport but its Security
The Blonde with you is a high security clearance contract engineer
presently working for US Air Force working on Fighter Planes.
The Brunette Lady with you is also an engineer having a high security
clearance working on Solar Turbines with US Government.
And you sir, we know you very well, you are not a humble college
professor, but you are an international troublemaker. Now would
you like to rephrase your statement again, this time before you,
how you Americans put it.....handing me a load ....?
X: You must be kidding me? What would the odds be of this accident?
N: Accident? Are you telling me, that you did not know?
X: Well I know the two ladies with me but not the other five!
N: Are you telling me the three of you have been dinning with
CIA and Mossad for a week and you have no idea who they were?
X: My word of honor, believe me, this comes as a shock to me.
I am being sincere with you.
N: We even know about your little trips that you taken in Mexico
and Caymans wondering to see certain people, your connections
as you call them. Don't take us for morons sir.
X: I would never.... (he interrupted me...)
N: To have the three of you on this ship is a liability but to
have the eight of you on this ship is a disaster, and to have
the eight of you consorting with each other on this ship, is an
international incident waiting to occur. Let me put it this way
sir. We appreciate your business, but we want no part of whatever
you people are planning to do here. If a single hair of our Iranian
Diplomats and Private Citizens guests misses from their heads
on this trip and on this ship, I will promise you and your 7 other
friends that you will be held responsible and turned to the Norwegian
Authorities and not to the International Police. May I remind
you that this maybe Caribbean but we are in Norwegian Territory
aboard this ship. You and your friends will obey and respect the
Norwegian Laws and Regulations while aboard this ship. I am holding
you responsible. I am personally holding you responsible, so watch
what you do very carefully. We are watching you and we are no
fools, please don't take us for fools sir. Either we have an understanding
or I will arrest you right now and hold you in confinement until
the Norwegian Security Service will interrogate you in a proper
X: Oh lord! I imagine no matter what I say, you made up your mind,
but I promise you that I will not cause any trouble.
N: Do we understand each other?
X: Absolutely Sir
N: Good night sir
X: Good night sir
And I walked
I consorted with Blondie and Brunettey,
X: So as you
see, it is an amazing incident!
Bl: amazing indeed!
Br: Too amazing, very strange!
Bl: Now what?
Br: Next Move .....
X: We play it by the ear, we take it easy, the same as we done
so far, just like a regular vacation.
Bl: Do you think those five know about us?
X: As much as we knew about them.
Br: This is just a freak accident.
Bl: What an accident, very strange.
Br: Talking about being in the wrong place at the wrong time!
X: Well, let's continue our trip as before, let's enjoy.
At the dinner
table, we enjoyed each others company, the last night, we gave
our tips to the Head Waiter, Waiter, Assistant Waiter and The
chef, said our farewells, gave each other hugs and kisses, little
squeezes and just then, I turned to all seven of them and gently
X: We really
enjoyed our political discussions, each others' company and our
times together. It was a pleasure knowing you people as Traveling
Companions. At last I want to let you know that, on this last
night, I wish you well and also letting you know that I know exactly
who every single one of you are and what you do for living. Best
of luck to all of you, I have a prior appointment, I must run
along now, Bon Voyage.....
I left the
table in a rush while every single one of them were staring at
me with their mouths open wide, I ran along to the deck number
14. He was there as expected!
N: Last night
X: Yes sir, last night....
N: Said your farewells?
X: Yes sir.
N: I am glad everything worked out very well sir.
X: I am glad too.
N: Everything was satisfactory up to your standards?
X: Well, generally yes.
N: Oh, and not specifically?
X: Well, everything was fine, except that my Ass was always hanging
outside the vertical coffins, you call showers on this tub that
you call a Cruise Liner....
N: Ah, Americans are so spoiled, too spoiled, that's the problem
X: Yes indeed my friend.....
(We both laughed)
N: I am glad that you enjoyed the sea cruise, farewell, and I
wish I will never meet you again sir!
X: Unless in the shooting range at Target Practice......
N: Ha Ha Ha.......
(We laughed very loud while parting on deck # 14)
A View of Cayman Islands
Off the ship
in Florida, on the shuttle, onto the plane, back home, Sweet San
Diego, safe and sound.... Clicked the heels of my shoes three
times and said:
is no place like home" ........
suddenly I was in beautiful San Diego. I made it through the Florida's
Suffocating Hot Weather, Mexican Blood Sucking Mosquitoes, Cayman's
Hell, Cruise Liners Food, and Norwegian Secret Service!
As I always
said, Its Zeros (Decade of 2000's), everything goes.....
Travel is great, travel is beautiful, travel is educational, man
can learn a lot from travel, it's fun and it builds character,
it's quite an experience. Man can learn a lot from Travel, but
man must also know his limitations....
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