this kind of Mame!
May 2, 2003
October 15, 2006
3rd Edition: April 3, 2014
Left: Amir Abbas Hoveyda, the Great Prime Minister of Iran
Right: Asadollah Alam the Imperial Iran’s Courthouse Minister
Let's go back
in time, way back when there was a country named Iran and not IRI!
long as everyone is talking about Mame (Tits, Slang for Breasts),
let me tell you an old story about my childhood! I was just an itsy
bitsy brat who just started to learn the facts of life. In those
nostalgic days of 1970s, I was just learning about the Birds and
Bees and chasing girls in the schoolyard! The girls used to wear
Gray Dress Uniforms with very short skirts in our school and I was
beginning to discover more and more about chunky beefy white thighs
of my classmates! That was the pre era of my episodes chasing girls,
but the "Gold Finger" era came a while after that! (in
Junior High, I fingered the Art Teacher and Fellow Student's named
me "The Gold Finger"!) Yet back in those days I just started
to finger around, even though I did not fully knew the concept of
fingering; yet, I was establishing the foundation of becoming the
"Gold Finger" of the future! Back in those days I was
so naive that I thought girls also had penis! I had a hard time
picturing how the intercourse would be! I assumed the guy would
push his penis on top of girl's penis and girl's penis would go
inside its cavity so the guys penis would be shoved in girls penises
cavity and that's how people have sex! I don't know, maybe that's
how I first became curious about Transsexuals, which this curiosity
continued later on in life! Dear me, so bizarre, so bizarre!
one night there was this reception. It was a formal reception banquet
in Tehran and a number of officials from Darbar (Courthouse) and
Cabinet were there. From the beginning of time there was this rivalry
between Darbar and Cabinet! Even though Darbar was supposedly one
ministry of the cabinet, yet the truth was that Darbar was an independent
entity and so was the cabinet. In early years, My beloved GodFather,
may his spirit rest in peace, His Excellency, Amir Abbas Hoveyda
was the Prime Minister of Iran and head of the Cabinet. Our dear
friend of the family, His Excellency Asadollah Alam was Minister
of The Courthouse and head of Darbar-e Shahanshahi Iran.
the rivalry was also hot! Hoveyda was the chairman of Iran-e Novin
(New Iran) Party and Alam was the chairman of Mardom (People's)
Party. Hoveyda and Alam had a bizarre mutual understanding with
each other! They were rivals in politics and in Cabinet, they were
rivals around the Alahazrat (around cabinet and darbar, we used
to call Shah, Alahazrat) and Royal Family, they were even rivals
among the close friends! Each wanted to be more impressive and each
wanted to put a deeper effect on the people, technocrats and intellectuals;
however, even though they were rivals and battling for the votes
of the public and Government members, yet it seemed like they had
an amazing mutual understanding with each other! They both respected
the other party very much and they had the highest regards for each
other indeed. Those were the days and these guys were experienced
politicians of Iran. I am telling youall, they don't build them
like those days anymore! These guys were Men of Principles and Common
Courtesy, Scholars and Gentlemen. Back in those days, these guys
were the Giants! I still remember those golden days of youth. It
is like a special part of my life, which I shall cherish till I
as you know Hoveyda was my father's close friend, my father was
a Cabinet Minister and the publisher of a major political media,
well-known author and journalist. Hoveyda was much into literature,
poetry, culture and Journalism. Hoveyda Himself was a journalist,
author and a politician, so naturally his interest was political
journalism. Hoveyda was also my GodFather and I used to call him
Uncle Abbas. Sometimes like everyone else, I would call him "Aqa".
Around the cabinet, he was known and spoken of, as "Aqa".
Everyone knew who they were talking about, when they were saying
Aqa this and Aqa that! Hoveyda was a very wise man, big sense of
humor, spoken many languages, popular among the masses and extremely
sophisticated. He was a perfect example of the Old Time Political
Giants of Iran!
Alam, on the other hand never had the education, sophistication,
talents, popularity, intellectualism and technocracy of Hoveyda,
but whatever that he was lacking in, he made it up with his amazing
charm and nasty sense of humor! Who knows, maybe originally my nasty
erotic sense of humor has been taken after these Mega Gods of my
childhood like My Grand Mother Dr. E.M. (Head of The Family), My
Dad, Dr. Fereydoun Farokhzad, and naturally Mr. Alam! Mr. Alam could
tell you amazing tales for hours and capture you as a captivated
audience, but by the end of the story, he would teach you a thing
or two about life and also, you could never know what part was a
joke and what part was serious! You wouldn't know what part was
real and what part was fiction! You could never get a straight answer
out of this man! After the discussion, he would learn about your
whole family history since you were a child and everything else
about you, yet he would never reveal anything about himself!
telling you, I took this quality after him! The way that he would
find out everything about the other party and not revealing a thing
about himself, I often thought that maybe he would be best served
as Head of SAVAK, and why was he the Head of Darbar?! Alam was quite
a character, an amazing gentleman and scholar. Amir Abbas Hoveyda
was maybe my uncle, my childhood role model, but I always had the
highest respect for Asadollah Alam, what a guy!
that night at this great reception, there were a group of big time
journalists, authors, TV and Radio personalities, Cabinet ministers,
members of the courthouse, Secretariats of Empress Farah and Prime
Minister Hoveyda, a bunch from Foreign Ministry, Military Attaches,
some Ambassadors from European and American Countries, Corporate
CEOs and Business Hot Shots, a few artists and actors, my Grand
Mother's crew (Lawyer, Assistant, Secretary and rest of her crew),
and other friends and family members.
remember this episode because The Chinese Ambassador to Iran, Chinese
General Consulate, Embassy Secretary and other Chinese Diplomats
were present and they were brought by my Grand Mother, because technically
My Grand Mother was their land lord. Chinese Ambassador was renting
a three floor, magnificent luxurious mansion-like house from my
Grand Mother, while insisting on being a Great Protector of the
Proletariats and Workers of The Globe! The Hot Shot Communist Comrade
Ambassador was living in a mansion in Jordan Avenue, one of the
best neighborhoods of uptown Tehran! Issues like this, since those
early childhood days, built and formed my mentality in a way that
I started to not take anyone or anything at his words and face value!
I became a skeptic who would not easily be convinced by propaganda
and Slogans! I simply hesitated to believe in anyone's word, simply
because of his position, power of lecture or shinny background!
was a great banquet, another successful Glorious Night Reception
in famous summer nights of North Tehran, where if you wanted to
progress in life and make some connections, you just had to be present
in such parties! As usual huge amounts of expensive food and drink
were getting wasted, half eaten, left overed and trashed while servants
were rushing in and out to fill up the trays, take out the left
overs and walk around with Trays of orderves and Beverage Glasses!
I remember this new Villager Dahati Boy, Poor Servant with a tux
that barely fit him, borrowed from the head butler (because he was
a temp), was looking at the food with unbelievable eyes bulging
out of his head! He couldn't believe so much food is getting wasted,
so in the middle of performing his duties, he had to taste some
of that gold Caspian Sea Caviar dripping from a crystal dish, but
the poor boy didn't know the concept of cracker, so he grabbed a
Traditional Azeri piece of "Barbari Bread" from the basket
with a various breads decorated in it, and started to dig in the
caviar! He was looking around to make sure no one is looking while
he was munching on the Kashk-e Badenjan (Egg Plant/Whey Orderves)
and Caviar, while washing it down with French Champaign in between
butler noticed him and rushed in his direction and was about to
smash his balls between his teeth and bang on his head like the
Legendary Rostam would beat on Afrasiab's head with Mace in Book
of Shahname, that suddenly I jumped forward to the rescue but someone
beat me to it!
Jan, forgive the boy, let him go this time, he made a mistake, his
sorry, aren't you boy? Mr. Alam whispered to the butler! Yes, sir,
I'm sorry and it will never happen again! The Boy Replied back!
was amazing, Alam and I were both following this ordeal with our
spying eyes, way before the butler had noticed it!
Butler: Yes your Excellency, as you wish Qorban. But somebody must train
this Gusaleh (Cow Calf) properly....
Alam: Boy, next time you can nibble on the food in the kitchen, not when
you are serving the guests!
Servant: Sorry sir, yes sir,
thank you kind sir, never again, you are so kind..............
boy go serve the guests now, that's enough...
(Servant Boy was grabbing Alam's hand and kissing it like there
was no tomorrow! Alam had saved his life and job by interfering
in between The Butler and him!)
Servant: Your excellency thank
you, I am your ear ringed slave (Qolam-e Halq-e Be Gush), my whole
family are in your debt.........
(Servant was by now kneeling on the floor and kissing Alam's hand.
Not letting go of it!)
enough, let go of the hand, its fine, behave yourself.........
Butler: Ok Bache, go away, leave his excellency alone, eat in the
damn kitchen next time, get the ..........out!
scene was so funny, one could see the whole social structure of
Iran in this scene! But Alam impressed me! I was standing right
there to make a move but Alam took the upper hand and saved the
poor boy's life and job! If Alam would not interfere, most likely
they would kick the crap out of the boy and kick him out in the
street! He was not a regular, he was just a Temp, filling for a
permanent servant, he did not know better, he was hungry and could
not wait to get to the kitchen!
Alam: Come here boy
X: Yes sir?
A: You wanted to do what I did, ha?
X: Yes sir.
A: Bache to kalat bu Qorme Sabzi mide! [Persian Expression]
(kido, Your head smells like Qorme Sabzi Persian Dish, meaning you
are looking for trouble!)
X: My Grand Ma says the same
A: Dr. E.M. is correct!
X: I guess so sir (laughing)
A: I know you are Uncle Amir Abbases Big Boy, but you can
also call me Uncle Asadollah, I'm your uncle too.
(My Big Boy, that's what Hoveyda used to call me.)
X: Yes Uncle Alam sir.
A: Pesaram (my son), don't be so jumpy, be cool, calm words
work better than loud threats! Use politics boy, "cut people's
throats with cotton balls, not knives!"
X: Like you do Uncle Alam?
A: Are mesl-e man, Tokhm-e Sag-e Valad-e Zena! (Yes like
I do, you son of a bitch, little bastard!)
(we both laughed very loud!)
A: Aqa-ye ........... (loudly to my dad)? Aqa-ye ..............?
A: Pesar ku nadarad neshan az pedar?! [Persian Expression]
(Where is the son who does not take after his father?!)
X: Uncle Alam, your funny!
A: Are Pedar Sag (Yes, you son of a Male Dog!) (Persian Slang)
(We both laughed again!)
A: Khanom Doctor .............. (Oh Dr., loudly to My Grand
Mother)? I like this kid, this Tokhm-e Sag (son of a bitch) will
go places in the future..........
A: Pesaram (My son)?
X: Yes Uncle Alam?
A: Your a big boy now, let me tell you about facts of life.
(sipping on his drink)
X: Yes Uncle Alam?
A: I know you love your Uncle Abbas, but Darbar (Courthouse)
is Darbar and Kabine (Cabinet) is Kabine......and Kabine will never
be as good as Darbar, do you know why?
X: Why Uncle Alam?
A: Because we do things different in Darbar.
X: What do you mean?! (puzzled!)
A: Everything we do in Darbar is with class, we have the
best, we use the best food, best drinks, best people, best places,
best of everything, you know?
X: Ahhhhhhhh ha!
A: We have the best, that's why Darbar is Darbar and then
there is Cabinet..........
X: I see
A: In Darbar, we eat the best delicacy. For example, everyone
eats Caviar but they eat top black caviar in cabinet; however, we
eat that special Golden Caviar sent from Caspian Sea specially for
(He used to emphasize on the word "Darbar" by continuing
the second Syllable with a long "aa" like Darbaaar! In
a way he wanted to make it clear that Darbar is the best of the
best so he would call it Darbaaar!)
A: In Darbar, we smoke the best White Senatory Opium (The
Top Quality Senate Opium), we eat Golden Caviar from Asatrin (Russian
Term for Sturgeon Caviar Fish), we eat the best Khodka (Caspian
Sea Duck), we drink the best Russian Vodka (Stolichnaya), we sit
on the best Kashan's Silk Rug (Persian Rug), we vacation in best
Villas at Motel Qu, Ramsar and Pahlavi (Caspian Sea Shores) and
we use the best palaces to rest in them.
X: I see
A: We use the best and then Cabinet uses the rest, that's
the difference my boy! (Uncle Alam was a bit tipsy and buzzed!)
X: Oh, I get it.
A: For example, look here boy, look at this one.... (holding
me with his one hand around my shoulder, while pointing at Hayedeh,
a chunky wholesome corn-fed Persian Traditional Singer with huge
white Bazookas, with his other hand!)
A: In Darbar, we eat this kind of Mame! Round, firm, healthy,
squeezable, jumbo white "Mame Boluri" (Shining Crystal
Bright Giant Jugs)!
(Hayedeh, courtesy smiled back and bowed down to Minister of Darbar!)
A: In Cabinet, they eat this kind of Mame..........(pointing
at Mahasti, Hayedeh's little skinny sister, a pop singer with little
average Golden Bagels, who was standing around)!
(Mahasti, across the hall, bowed her head and body to the Minister
of Darbar and showed respect!)
A: In Darbar, we eat this kind of Mame, but in Cabinet, they
eat that kind of Mame! (Alam Continued...)
A: Look at them little Mame! You leave them in front of the
dogs, they wouldn't even touch it! Mame must be healthy and Wholesome
like BasketBall, something you can grab and bounce around and play
with! Who wants that little Mame? Nothing to grab boy! Dogs don't
even eat those Mame! Now you see boy? This is why Darbar is Darbar
and Cabinet is Cabinet! Clear up your position boy, are you Darbari
or Kabinei? Do you see boy?
X: Yes Uncle Alam, I see, it's
because in Darbar, you gentlemen eat Big Mame!
A: Ay Tokhm-e Sag, I think you got it right boy! Khanom Doctor
(Lady Dr., referring to my Grand Ma) ...............? Khanom Doctor
..............where are you? This boy will have a bright future!
(and we both laughed out-loud.........)
night I have learned a few lessons from the reception, lessons about
life, social classes, sociology, human behavior, but most of all,
I have learned that,
Darbar, they eat this kind of Mame!
on we went home and my Grand Mother, over heard me talking to our
X: You got Darbari Mame, I enjoy Mame Darbari! Mame should be Mame
Maid's Daughter: Giggle Giggle........
Grand Mother: Tokhm-e Jen (Jinn's
Seed), you can eat Kuft (Poison) instead of Mame Darbari, where
have you learned such language?
X: Uncle Alam!
Grand Mother: Ezat? (Shouting
at our Butler), hey Ezat?
Ezat: Yes Madam?
GM: From now on, you will not
let this kid, talk to or go near Mr. Alam, do you hear me?
Ezat: Yes Madam, but how come?
GM: Alam is a bad influence
on this kid, I heard him talking about Darbari Mame to girls, I
think Alam gave him some drink too! Alam is corrupting this child,
don't let this kid to hang around Alam in the receptions. No more
Uncle Alam for you kid, do you hear me?
X: Yes Maman Jun (I called my
Grand Mother, "Dear Mom"), I'm sorry for my behavior.
(I called my mother "Maman" [Mom] and my Grand Mother
"Maman Jun" [Dear Mom]!)
GM: Fine, go to bed now, we
talk about it tomorrow.
X: Good night Maman Jun.
kids were sleeping on the Roof Top of the building (Teras), sometimes
we liked to sleep on the roof, there were a number of beds with
mosquito nets around them, set up on the roof for those who liked
to sleep outdoor on the hot summer nights! After everyone went to
bed, one could still hear me whispering to the maid's daughter about
her Mame Darbari and she was giggling back at me! We lived it up
in Tehran's Hot Summer Nights!
that night, I knew why Alam could make up for his lack of intellectualism
with his great public relation and sense of humor. He talked the
talk and he walked the walk. He knew how to communicate with different
people according to their different ways.........
was the time and then, they were Giants............
We recommend this valuable book, Asadollah Alam’s Memoirs:
is a long time since those golden days in Tehran, seems like a century
ago! Sometimes I reminisce with my photo albums, well organized
photo albums by the order of volumes which covers my whole life
since birth, until today! My whole life in snap shots! Sometime
I review my life! Some people write diaries and I collect photos
in photo albums, this is my way of documenting my life! Sometimes
I look back into those hot summer nights of Tehran and sometimes
I forget about all the bad memories, I forget about the social problems,
I forget about Reaction of 1979 and I forget about painful memories.
I try to remember the good memories, the days and the moments that
made life worth of living. I cherish those moments, little moments
which means a lot to me. Moments like that hot summer night in that
reception in Tehran.
days are gone, Hoveyda, Alam, Grand Ma, the Iran I used to know
and everything else precious to me are gone, my innocent childhood
and youth are gone, all I have left are those precious moments.............Sometimes,
I look at volumes of my photo albums, I sit alone in my room and
I reminisce with myself, tears run down my cheeks, I cry and laugh
and then I smile, because.............
is made up of precious Moments. Those Moments, make life worth of
living and remembering. I Cherish Those Moments, I cherish those
precious sweet Moments...........
put this moment over here
I put this moment over here
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