A Day at a Jebhei Liberal's Office!
April 26, 2008
The Guru of Jendeye Melli Iran (Iran National Whores) AKA Jebhe Melli Iran (Iran National Front)
Mossadeq: I am Mamad Damaq, I will huff and puff and blow the three little piggies’ house!
This episode has originally been written on December 16, 2004, yet re-edited, re-formatted and published on the website now. This is only one of the many such episodes with the university administration and since then, I have been back and forth with the university. We have a Love-Hate Relationship! I love to hate them and they hate to love me! Now let’s take a ride through the memory lane ….
Hello Boils and Ghouls!
Sit down, relax and welcome to yet another episode of:
Ahreeman's Chronicles in....
The Dark Corner
75 degrees and Sunny, ......... Sunny San Diego at all times, even in the middle of winter!
Quite a riot indeed! What an episode! Do I have a good one for yous or what?! Sometimes, I kill myself cracking up! What a riot! Killer Episode!..... Today I have spent one of my last days on the university campus for the season. As you know I have been teaching in the university for many years and despite the severe hatred of the administration towards me, they had to tolerate me for so many years, simply because:
a) Unlike the typical university professor, I am uptodate on my information (Computer Science). In other words, I know my left hand from the right!
b) They have a hard time replacing me with someone qualified!
c) I teach a various number of courses in various odd schedules, which are very hard for them to replace the Instructor!
d) For many years in a row I have been voted the highest rated, most qualified and most popular professor in my field by the popular vote of the student body (Online Surveys)!
However, despite all the above factors, the university administration, a typical useless hierarchical bureaucratic liberal university organization, have decided to give an ultimatum! The time was right and my contract would be over soon and they have made a decision to lay it on the line, so they gave me two choices:
a) To obey their policy and instructions on how to teach my classes and what is allowed for me to speak or not to speak in my lectures or in the labs!
b) To ship out!
Their line of reasoning and excuse was in this manner:
Department is out of budget and we have come to this understanding that we shall renew the contracts of only those instructors whom have no conflict with proper academic agenda for the higher education in our fine establishment which is one of the nation's highest academic environments existing ........
Of course all the above are just an excuse to find a way for the Liberal President, Dean, Head of Department and our Organization Director to finally find an opportunity to get rid of a popular, no nonsense conservative instructor who has been giving them hell for so many years!
After much thoughts, I have decided to choose option (b), simply because I rather not to teach than to teach as a mouth piece controlled by a group of hypocrite bureaucrats! Actually they are doing me a great favor, because working in private sector as a contractor or consultant pays at least a time and a half more than what they pay in government (State University)! So I have decided to go unemployed and take a vacation which has been way over due! Soon I will be taking a Sea Cruise in the Pacifics to Acapulco, Mexico. The perfect New Years Eve on the ship in Acapulco, couldn't be better planned! Thanks to Blondie and Brunettey my official planners! Who knows, maybe afterwards, I yet, add another chapter to the X Diaries!
Back to what happened today! As long as I have decided to leave the university, then obviously, my boldness, controversial behavior and outrageous conducts have been on the rise, and specifically during these last few weeks of my contract! However, today I crossed the line and I have crossed it all the way and as far as I could push! But hell, it was fun. I just love to push people as far as I can to see how far I can push and what would be the reaction on their faces! I love social experimentations!
Let me tell you about today's episode in the university (What a riot)! This time, I have really outdone myself and broke my own record for being obnoxious! Sometimes, I even crack myself up! OK let’s roll:
Today I was walking back to my office that suddenly our administrative assistant ran to me & said, my instructional assistant needs to see me but she is wrapped up in the lab, assisting students with their final projects. As you know, I teach my classes in a state of the art computer lab with desktops for each student, a station for my assistant, a station for myself, a ceiling projector, white boards and a giant screen used for instructional purposes. I have designed this lab and I have been teaching all my classes in this lab (my agreement with the university). So I rushed to the lab to satisfy her desires (My Instructional Assistant)! She is quite a character! What would I have done without her! She does all my grading and assisting students with their computer projects. This Hot Mexican Mama with pale face and Jet black Hair, an Elvira Look alike, has been my faithful aid for many years! I just lovse lovse loves her! So I went in the lab:
X: What's The Deal Woman?
Maricruise: Hee Hee Hee, you scared me!
(she was working on a project)
X: Have no fear woman, Your Family Doctor is in The House!
M: you kill me!
X: Allah forbid, I dare to kill a fine Gothic Child such as yourself!
M: I'm not Gothic!
X: Well Daaaaaaaang, you been so pale lately, kind o reminds me of that gal in Vampiress or Vampirella!
M: That's just my gig!
X: Oh baby baby, baby baby....... hit me with that gig! Get jiggy with it!
M: LOL .....Ha Ha Ha.... oh stop
X: So what’s the deal?
M: Department Head wants to see you in his office in about 10 minutes.
X: Dang woman, what kind o yes was that? Oh behave!
M: Get moving Doc
Off to see the Department's Head I went .............
Dr. Kamyar is a sympathizer of “Jendeye Meli Iran” (Iran National Whores) also known as “Jebhe Meli Iran” (Iran National Front)!
In to the office I went. Kamyar was sitting behind his desk, a picture of Mohamad Mossadeq on top left side of the wall and a picture of Jimmy Carter on top right side of the wall, behind him! A flag of Iran with an amputated Lion (without the sword) on his desk next to an American Flag! A typical Iranian American Jebhei Liberal Baldheaded, short, fat and round hair-ball with an eggplant nose sticking out, sitting on his large size rolling office leather chair behind his large size oak desk spending much time behind his desk playing Arshimalalan with his Shambool all day long! You know, the type with not much gray matter upstairs to teach, so he is bounded to play Zanburak with his Zanburche, all day long!
X: Salamon Alaykom Brother Kamy .....
K: He He, This is not a Mosque and I'm not your brother!
X: Mulsim, Jebhei, Liberal, Brother, ....... all the same, what’s the difference?
K: I asked you here for a reason. I don't need an argument.
X: No argument Brother, how are you Brother?
K: Fine, how are you today?
X: Well, I was OK, but now that I have seen you, I am great!
X: Oh yes, you have that special kind o glow around your head full of hair, a shiny glow like Brother Mossadeq had!
(Kamyar is bald!)
K: This tong of yours always has worked against you. That’s why you are always in trouble.
X: But Brother Kamy, your head shines like a Holy man! Let me see .....
(I moved towards his head)
K: Get the hell out of here, get off of me ......
X: But brother let me feel it, please, I want to feel your head, it’s so round, and shiny .....
(I grabbed his head with my right arm and started to rub the shiny bald spot on top of his hair!)
K: Get off of me you insane man .........
X: The legend says if one rubs Jinn's lamp or shiny head, 3 wishes come true...
K: Get off...
(At this point Kamy was pushing me off with two hands on my chest and two feet on my legs!)
X: But Kamyar jan, why so stingy? I want my 3 wishes!
K: Get off of me you sick son of a bitch! You are crazy! Would you get off and sit down, I want to talk to you.
X: But Hows about my 3 wishes?
K: I'll grant your wishes, I have an offer for you!
X: Would I get my 3 wishes?
K: I swear if you don't let go, I scream out loud. Get off!
X: OK OK, relax, you gonna get a heart attack! Man your age, high blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, clogged arteries, Greasy Kabob everyday, Polo Chelo, Joojoo Kabob, Pastries, ....
K: I get the picture .........
X: I'm concerned about your health Baba Jan! Don't get so worked up!
K: Then get off of me and sit down like a human being if you can?!
X: OK OK, bad Ahreeman, bad bad Ahreeman, Down Satan, Down Satan .........
(I started spanking myself on the butt while downing myself!)
K: Stop it!
(Kamy's office has one wall of window, towards the corridor. Anyone passing by, can see inside the office. In addition, a hall across his office can also view what's going on in there. His secretary and another admin assistant often sit there!)
X: OK tell me all about your problems my son?
K: Stop acting insane, people are watching and they think we are crazy! Everyone thinks Persians are weird!
X: You mean we're not?!
K: Do you want to hear me out or not?
X: Yes sir, Yassir, Yassir Arafat that is........... Oh I forgot ...
K:......Yes I know and I heard it a thousand times from you. ..........
X and K (together): Oh I forgot he is dead .............
K: Why don't you get a new joke or a comedy routine, this is getting old!
X: You don't loves it no more (baby talk)?
K: Stop it, stop it now. You drive a sane person to insanity!
X: Yes sir, please proceed?
K: I am trying to do you a favor because we are both Iranian....
X: (I interrupted him) we are?
K: Well I am .......
X: You are?
K: Am I speaking Arabic to you?
X: Well you sound a kind o funny...... let me see, do you have something in your throat...
(I got up to check his throat)
K: I am telling you, one step closer to me and I get the bat!
(Kamy has a Baseball Bat at the back of his desk. It’s his lucky autographed bat by ......)
X: No violence please! Aren't you folks preaching tolerance, no violence, "Changing the system from within the IRI"?!
K: Don't go there...
X: You are so violent for a Jebhei Liberal Reformist!
K: Do you want to hear me?
X: Yes sir...
K: I spoke with the administration and everything is fine. You can stay here but there is a little issue.
K: What it is, what it is?
K: You must behave professionally, follow guidelines, administration must OK your curriculum, you must promise not to go out of line, you must follow instructions and stick with memos.
X: That’s what it is!
K: What do you say?
X: Anything else? Hows about if I bend over and for you, director, dean and president to jump me bones?
(I turned around, bent over, started to open my belt ....)
K: I swear to you, if you don't stop, I kick you out of my office...
(I opened the belt, took off my trousers half way and bent over, with my butt facing Kamy!)
K: Pull your pants up and get out of here now......
X: But isn't this what you are telling me to do?
(At this point Kamy's secretary, Jane, and the admin girl, Jennifer, were both staring at us with eyes popped out of their heads!)
K: Stop it and get out.
X: What, what? Don't you like my buns? Is it because it’s hairy? Are you prejudice against me because I am black (Anxious Eyes)?!
(Jane is familiar with my episodes but Jennifer was shocked!)
K: Get out
X: OK relax, I put it back on, don't get so excited. I know you Tolab Boys are all homos and get excited so fast!
K: I am not a Talabe (Religious Study Student), never was one and never will be.
X: Then how do you explain all of those pictures, we just published on the net, with Imam caressing your hair and shoulders in Houzat al Elmiyat al Qom (I was Shiiting him)?
K: What pictures? I swear if you make a mockery of me in that stupid website of yours, I will sue you!?
X: But how can you deny it?! Theres one with Imam having his finger fully up your.....
K: (interrupted me).........Shut up, shut up, just shut up...
(At this point Kamy fell backward on his leather office chair, exhausted, in faint-like position)
K: Ahhhhhhh, my heart. Ohhhh, my chest, Ahhhhhhh my right hand hurts......
X: Kamy I was just joking, are you OK? Sorry!
K: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, I am getting a heart attack...... Ahhhhhhh
X: You look bad, let me rub your shoulders.......
(I got up to massage his shoulders)
K: Get off of me.........
(Suddenly Kamy jumped up, sat straight in perfect position, like there was nothing wrong with him!)
X: Damn! I thought you were getting an heart attack? What happened?
K: You would like that, wouldn't you? You will bring the end of me...........
X: The Bam Eggplant, doesn't have any diseases (Persian Expression)!
K:So what do you say?
X: Kamy jan, let’s be honest, you really do not care for me to stay here, but the only reason, you want to patch things up between the administration and me, is because you have nobody to take over my classes, do you now?!
K: As an Iranian, I am trying to do you a favor ..........
X: You wanna do me a favor? Why don't you pay off my new Beemer, which I have just bought?
K: Be serious!
X: I am!
K: Do you want to cooperate or not?
X: The truth is that you don't have a literate and high tech person to take over, do you?
K: Your hours are odd!
X: So more likely, you need more than one person to teach my classes, don't you? You don't even have one faculty to do so, do you?
K: Arrogant bastard!
X: I'm not arrogant, I'm just a mammal! Remember that song:
Doing me, doing you,
We're just like mammals,
I want to do it like they do it in Discovery Channels!
C'mon Kamy, do it again,
Doing me, doing you,
We're just like mammals,
I want to do you like they do it in discovery channels!
lala la lala la lala la lalalalalalalla lala la lala la .........
K: You are so gay!
X: So what’s the deal?
K: I am trying to save your balls from being crushed in this university. no one will hire you again. No one anywhere in the state will.......
X: My balls?
K: Oh no...............stop.........
(I started to take off my trousers again.....!)
K: I will call the security, I swear...
X: What’s wrong with my balls? Are you talking about my balls? I got good, firm, round, large size balls! No?
(At this point I took off my trousers half way and started with my shorts...!)
K: This is ridiculous! Ladies are watching!
X: Let them enjoy.... actually let me call Jane in here to witness and be the judge, if there is something wrong with my balls......
(I started shouting to call Jane in the office. I raised my right hand, looking at Jane across the window, across the hall, with my facial expression, calling her.....)
X: Oh Jane dear, hey Jane..... would you come in here........
(Pointing my right finger at her, while holding my trousers with my left hand, half way to my knees!)
K: Stop it you bastard. Have you no shame at all?
(At this point, Jane confirmed my facial language across the window wall and got on the intercom with Kamy!)
J: Dr. Kamyar, do you gentlemen need me to come over there?
X: Yes Jane dear, we need you to come in here and bring your measurement tape to measure my........
K: No Jane, nothing, we are fine, Ahreeman is acting up again..... nothing out of ordinary, please don't come in here......... it is embarrassing.
X: Oh Jane.... (Shouting in to the intercom), would you also bring Jennifer to help you with my b...
(Interrupted by Kamy)
K: No thanks, we are fine, don't bring anyone in........ Dr. X is just leaving back to his lab.......and I am not Gay......just for the record....
J: Sir, are you sure, you gentlemen do not need me to........... (Jane is trying hard not to laugh out loud)?
K: No we don't, just take off for a break, take Jennifer with you.......... you ladies don't need to witness the show........ go for a break......... He is leaving too!
(Jane is cracking up and Jeniffer's eyes are popped out, focusing on my private areas, stretching her neck to get a better look to hopefully see something!)
K: Just leave and Ahreeman is leaving too..........
X: No I'm not! I just got started! We have a dispute about my b.........
K: No we don't..........thank you, take a break Jane..........
(Kamy got off the intercom and Jane and Jeniffer got up to leave)
X: Now check it out, there is nothing wrong with my Imam Hassan and Imam Hussein.......... look here, take a better look, ........... Haji Kuchike is also OK, let me grab him out of there, ehhhhhh ahhhhh, ...........ye, there he is, let me get a good hold of him, right there, ye, .........
(With one hand holding my trousers half way to my knee and pulling my shorts down and with my other hand pulling everything out, I started walking towards Kamy holding Haji Kuchike very firm in my hand.....)
K: Get that thing out of my face.........Oh god, you left us no prestige, now everyone thinks we are gay!
X: Do you have something against gay people? I thought Bache Akhunds are all gay?! What’s wrong with that?
(At this point I was standing above Kamy's head, with one hand protecting my apples, just in case if Kamy had decided to punch them, and with the other hand pulling Haji closer to Kamy's head!)
X: No seriously, you have insulted Haji Kuchike! There is nothing wrong with him! Check for yourself, here...........touch it.............get a good grip.............let me show you....
(I was getting very close to Kamy's head, with my hand pulling Hajj towards Kamy and Kamy was moving back, sitting on his office chair, rolling back towards the wall........, so funny, I think I was actually getting a hard on! Public moments of exhibitions such as this, actually turns me on! Is that perverted or what?! What a riot!)
K: Get the hell out of my office, you exhibitionist pervert, let me call security.........
X: touch it...........feel it................ spank me monkey........Kamy touch it..........
K: I'll kick you in the balls you bastard, get out.........
(I almost banged Kamy on the head with Haji's head!)
K: someone's coming in...........stop it
X: Its OK, relax, give it a chance........... we are all friends here (Killer)!
(Door opened, Head of IDS Department, Dr. Joan B..... walked in. At this point, picture that my back is towards her, so all she sees is my back with my trousers pulled down, both my hands holding my privates, right above Kamy's head, with his head hiding right where my privates are, and his both hands around my waste, tring to push me away. It really looked like, Kamy had a great load, and he bitten more than he could chew, so he was choking on the Deal ........... trying to push me away.......! I even had my knees bent a little, so from behind (Dr. B....'s angle) it really looked like Kamy was acting like a Head Nurse!)
JB: Gentlemen please do not let me interrupt!
K: This is not what it seems to be Joan!
(At this point, Jane and Jeniffer are almost rolling on the floor laughing, right near Dr. Kamy's office window glass door, while Dr. Joan B..... is standing in the doorway witnessing this bizarre position. Kamy has his head stretched from behind my waste talking to her and I am pulling up my trousers, getting my Moameleh out of Kamy's face, turning around with a stupid grin on my face, blushing!)
JB: Is this what Iranian Professors do in their offices?!
(I'm all decent now, facing Joan)
X: Actually theres more......
K: No no more, I mean nothing at all! (Kamy's face is red and about to get a cardiac!)
(I moved towards Kamy)
K: This is not what it seems to be. I am not Gay and neither is this crazy psychotic man. Jane can testify that this man has many women around him. He has women around him all the times and I am a married man with children! We are not gay or perverts or........ (I interrupted him)!
X: Speak for yourself Kamy! (I grabbed him, hugged him and pulled him between my arms and tried to kiss his cheek)
K: Get off of me you pervert.......
JB: Gentlemen, I don't mind if you keep your private lives in your off campus timeshare and be professional over here........ (Kamy interrupted her)
(Joan's face was very cool, calm and she was much in control of her emotions like the scenery was pretty normal!)
K: What private lives? Joan, I am telling you, we are not gay! I was not .........
X: Yes he was Dr. B......! He just could not help himself! He just had to pull my trousers down and start fondling my fancy.... , but he has insecurities towards his homosexuality and …
K: Joan, he lies, he is ill, he is sick, can't you see he is ill? Everyone knows he is ill and crazy!? He is a sick man …
X: Crazy like a fox that is!
JB: Professors, it is shameful enough to behave such as so in the academic environment, not to mention doing such in front of the ladies!
K: This man needs professional help! He wants to ruin my reputation in this university! I am not gay, I swear I am not gay!
X: Come now dear, Dr. B.... is on to us! No use hiding it anymore, just come out of the closet! It is time for you to come out of the closet dear!
K: I have a wife and children, now can I be gay?
X: (trying to hug Kamy again) That doesn't mean jack!
K: But I am married........
X: So are Rod Stewart, David Bowie, Mick Jagger, ...........It’s just a front!
K: It is not a front and I am not gay......
X: Well, maybe a bit Bi then
K: I am not Bisexual, I swear.......
X: But Dr. B....... caught you red handed trying to forcefully take advantage of me by pulling my pants down and forcing an oral sex ..........
K: Shut up, just shut up and tell the truth.
(At this point, others were walking towards Kamy's office to see what’s all the commotion!)
JB: Gentlemen, enough. I seen enough...... pack it up and we slide this one under the door. Don't let it happen again. You are very fortunate that I have very liberal views or gossip spreading around, would be the least of your concerns! In this university we have tolerance towards all types of people …
K: What do you mean all types of people? I am not …
X: Yes Dr. B...., I will not allow Kamyar to get a hold of my ......... anymore
K: Get out of my office, you are sick.
JB: I just wanted to drop this by (She left a folder on Kamy’s desk.)
(JB left the office and girls went to their stations still cracking up, while others were seeking and questioning the girls on what was going on........... Girls started to tell others that .........)
K: (Shouting) I am not gay. I swear I am not!
X: Oh Kamy, palease............
(I shut the door and faced Kamy)
K: Ahhhhhhh no...... (Kamy lied back on his office chair, in faint-like position like he is getting a cardiac arrest!)
X: Kamy relax, what’s wrong with being gay? Don’t you liberals preach rainbow coalition and Gay marriages? Theres nothing wrong with coming out of the closet, is there?!
K: I hate you, I hate you with all my heart and passion. You are a twisted sick and evil man.
X: Hey, this reminds me of something......hmmmmmmmm hmmm, yes, I think I will be writing an article about this experience!
K: If you write one word about this disaster in that stupid website of yours, I will sue you to the last cent....
X: Oh relax, then maybe I write a play.....
K: No you don't.
X: Don't worry, I use fictitious names, I won't mention last names, I use alias, I use.....
K: I hate you, I hate you, get out of my office and never come back. You ruined my reputation in this university!
X: Na, being a Gay Liberal Iranian can work for your benefits and it can even promote you! Affirmative Action can even come to your rescue,...... what is it that you guys say, minority status due to sexual preferences?!!!
K: Get out...... (Shout), you ruined yourself.
X: Kamy jan, I had no intention of working here anymore. I would never go for your conditions. You should have known me better?
K: You planned this, you sick man .........
X: I have to admit that it was instantaneous. I just came up with it..........that was fun! I am enjoying my last days here! Dear Me!
K: I don't want to see you again.
X: No more office romance (Googly Eyes)?!
K: GET OUT, GET OUT og ogg...(Choking on words, Kamy started to cough badly) out a here.......
X: Kamy don't choke on it! Take the bone out!
K: Gogog ogo ogg og...oho oho oho.... (coughing badly)!
(I left Kamy's office with a large grin on my office, walking towards the secretaries while closing his door. Kamy felt really bad, still choking and coughing bad .........)
(At Secretary's Desk)
J: Oh Doc..
(They been eavesdropping through the intercom.)
X: Oh dear!
J: You are despicable! We will miss you around here....
X: That’s OK, maybe I drop you a card from Acapulco!
J: Bye Doc
X: Bye love
J: Keep in touch
X: I will, love......
(Went back to the lab)
X: La didi da......
Maricruise: You sound happy! Are you staying?
M: Then What? What can be better than staying?
X: Its all elementary darling! Soon you will hear rumors about Department Head!
X: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeees (Beady Eyes)!
M: You evil man you!
X: Yeeeeeeeeeeees (Evil Eyes)!
M: See you later
X: Later dear
M: Have fun in my place. You are lucky, New Years Eve on the ship in Acapulco! Sounds romantic!
X: Ooh Yeee (Rolling Eyes)!
X: Now remember to always be bad and never sellout to the system. Remain a rebel forever. Love you!
M: But of course Doc! Take care...
X: Cheers Love.
M: You’ll be back ….
X: One can never know!
(.....and I walked away from the campus of the university to face my future adventures on the cruise.... business, politics, and pleasure south of the border in waters of pacifics. Acapulco, here we come)!
And there goes another chapter of the Ahreemanic Chronicles in "The Dark Corner"!
Youha haha haha HAHA HAHA Haaaaaa..... (Mad Scientist Laugh)!
Until future adventures, off we go..........
OK Boils and Ghouls, stay put, remain as BAD as you can be, keep safe and don't let the Islamist zombies bite!
Hee Hee Hee Hee How How Howling, Howl (Ahreemanic Howling Laugh)!
Over and out,
Your local family Doctor!
Gorg Ali dar Qorbat
(Gorg Ali the Exiled Wolf)
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