Chapter 1: Eye-Rainian Roots + Biker Chicks Photo Gallery
A True Story, about an Amazing Night in Bandon, Oregon!
From The Good Old Biker Days ...
1st Edition: February 16, 2002
2nd Edition: November 6, 2014
Classic Beatnik Style Rebel Biker Chick
If you follow my writings, by now you are aware that I am not your
average Iranian and I do not lead the life of an average Iranian.
But if you think I am different now, then you had to see me in early
The times were
The girls were wild
The bikes were hot
The leathers were rough
The boys were tough
The brawls were on
The speed was god
The roads were ours
We were The Road Warriors
.. those were the days!
Right On Baby!
Let me take
you back in time to early 1980s. Let me tell you a story, a true
story about this whole Eye-Rain and Iran thing! Let me tell you
about this whole deal with the pronunciation of the name of the
country. How did it all started and did I play a part to agitate
it and then made a fool out of certain people? Where the hell is
Bandon, Oregon? It's a little town in Boonies on South West of Oregon,
near the coast! Hold on to your pants, I'll tell you all about it!
Rebel without a Cause Biker Chick
Wild One", the copper asked Marlon Brando,
Copper: What are you rebelling against?
Brando: What do you got?!
much what we were doing! We were rebelling against Status Q. We
were living on the edge of the law and life!
Heavy Metal Biker Chick
This goes back
a while, a few years back, when I was still young and liked to play
the "Wild One" on my Motorcycle, and Marlon Brando was
my role model as a rebel without a cause, way back in Biker days
and black leather jacket era. We enjoyed cruising to small towns
in boonies. Weather was clean, nature was keen and girls were just
crazy about Big City Boys! We were the nightmare of little small
towns in middle of nowhere! We were riding against the wind and
against establishment. We were The Dead Ends! Ma, Paw and Sheriff,
lock up your teen daughters and lock up your stores and homes, cause
The Dead End Kids are coming to town!
Rocker Biker Chick
So picture this,
The boys and I were cruising the West Coast of Oregon, far from
our territory and we ended up in a little RedNeck Boon Town in South
Oregon called Bandon! Three of us as total strangers wearing black,
went into the little RedNeck local Bar in Bandon, Oregon! Picture
me with very long hair down to my shoulders back then, wearing a
Black Leather Biker Jacket with silver chains hanging from the right
side shoulder snap of it and the Club emblem on the top left side
of my chest. Picture I walk in the Bar wearing Black Leather from
top to bottom, Jacket, Pants, belts, boots, even gloves. Me at 6'
3" with very long hair down to my shoulders, all buffed up
body, in Black Leather with the boys walking in the RedNeck joint,
that was a Bad sight and we were some real Bad Mothers.....
Rocker Biker Chick: Howzat with Up-hair?
The local Bickers
were at the pool table and around the jukebox, shooting pool and
shooting Shiite. One crazy drunk and raggedy good old boy decided
to start pulling our shorts and give us some Shiite! The Dude was
so drunk that he could barely see straight, but he was among all
his homeboys. We were sitting on the barstools watching them, play
pool and resting our bones from the trip, when the Boba-Fet the
Bounty Hunter looking raggedy good old boy approached me and this
is how it went:
all conversations with Oregon Country Accent which is very similar
to Southern Accent!)
know boys, God Damn Eye-Rainians coming to our country, taking our
jobs, using our goods, screwing our women, and having a ball on
our sake, what do you say boys.
Rag Man's Boys: Ye man, them
God Damn Eye-Rainians taking our boys hostages in their God Damn
R: I say, them God Damn Sumbitch (local country folk lingo
for "Son of a bitch"!), bastards Sand Niggers think they're
R Boys: Yee them sumbitch gittin
our jobs and our gals......
(At this point I am telling to myself, what the hell, how come these
illiterate people can't pronounce "Iran", even the news
casters can't do it right, I mean how hard is it to pronounce the
name of the country, right?!)
Biker Chick: I’m not only making a fashion statement but I’m also making a Hardware Statement!
Mothers got to learn a thing or two boys....
(And suddenly a bright idea came to my mind, maybe I can use this
ignorance for my benefit to make a pampas ass of these good old
folk! A Bright Idea "Ding Dong, Ding Dong", then a light
bulb and after that a halo started to show up above my head!)
R: Next you know, them GodDamn Eye-Rainians will take over
our land, they already took over the GodDamn California, now they
wanna GodDamn take over here, them GodDamn Sumbitches....
R Boys: Yee, them God Damn Rag
Biker Chick: Mainstream Social Sheeple, can you handle this?!
Sheeple = Sheep People leading an ordinary lifestyle
R: (pointing at me hollering) Boy, hey Boy........
X: (Getting my Southern Accent)
R: I say, boy what yeeall coming down here wearing them fancy
leather jackets with them Gang Marks?
R: I said, don't yee know fer sure, this ain't yer turf boy?
X: Well I be damned!
R: Boy, yee look like the big shot here, don't yee know,
when passing by other people's turf, yee must take them God Damn
X: Wow Boy!
R: Boy.....or at least take them God Damn Gang signs off
yer chest, do you hear me boy?
X: Now git this chum, the jackets
are not coming off and the insignias are not coming off fer sure.
R: Oh ye?
X: I reckon so dude
Good Old Biker Days ……
R: A tough mother ha?
X: It's beneath us to take them
off, it hurts our pride.
R: Boy, you're in our turf, this is not Faggot State of California,
and we're not airing our rear ends here boy...
X: I reckon so
R: Have some respect boy, who the hell do you think ye are
boy? Coming to our town wearing them fancy outfits?
X: Just passing through Jack,
we ain't want no trouble Jack.
R: The only way yeall wont get no trouble is to take them
God Damn Jackets off when in our turf.
X: Well, that's a mighty shame
Relaxed Biker Chick
R: Boy, you ain't hearing well, de you? I gonna shove them
shinny Faggoty boots of yours up your Ass....
X: I reckon, they won't fit
Jack, but my fist fits up your butt!
R: Boy, you got a big mouth, wanna make some good use of
it? Why don't you blow me right here sissy boy (pointing at his
X: I like to bite thangs, I
reckon, ye wont like that Chum!
R: Ye got a mouth on you boy!
(At this point, I started the political approach!)
X: What's yer name Jack?
R: Joe Bob, but they call me Lightnin Joe.
X: Mighty fine Lightnin Joe,
I wanna share a little secret with you Joe
R: Oh ye!
Biker Chick: Let’s go Psycho!
R: What'll it be boy?
X: Listen Joe, we the Dead End
Boys, we come from out of town, we just passing through yer turf
and fer sure we ain't mean no disrespect fer youall.
R: I see
X: Besides, aren't yeeall Good
old boys bikers?
R: don't you see the insignias on the back of our jackets
boy? Of course we are!
X: Aren't yee good old boys,
R: We the Aryan Brotherhood boy, watch yer tong boy, of course
X: Ain't yee boys believing
in White Power?
R: Amen Boy!
X: Then what the freakin Dang
On thang is wrong with yee boys?
Biker Chick: Can you handle them Gears and Hardware?
R: What yee mean boy?
X: Simmer down Lightnin Joe,
simmer down and dig: We're yer feller Aryans from South! (Now my
accent gets way deep in South, that I even amazed myself!)
R: Ye mean youall fellows are good old boys?
X: I mean, why pickin a bone
with yer brother Aryan rather then git them God Damn Jew Boys?
R: Ha, yee got a pointer boy!
X: I reckon we the out of towners
but we still yer feller Aryans!
Biker Chick: I just wanna make you Bleed, eat your Meat and chew on your Bone!
R: I reckon
X: Listen Joe, yer a good Christian?
R: I reckon
X: Yee believin this land?
R: I reckon
X: Yee believin this land is
occupied by ZOG (Zionist Occupied Government)?
R: I reckon
X: Yee wanna free this land
and give it to the White good old boys?
R: I reckon
X: Then what the hell is the
matter with you boy?
X: I say pay attention boy
Well, were the good old boys too
R: Yee are?
Biker Chick: Can you handle them Hardware and Software?!
R: But hows about them God Damn Eye-Rainian Folk tryin to
screw us up the shitter?
X: Yee, True
R: Them Sumbitches givin it to us good, up the shitter.....
X: Ye them sumbitches God Damn
R: They in cahoots with ZOG
X: Ahaw.......them God Damn
R: Hey,....Wait a second boy, yeeall got an accent, where
X: Weall are from Iran
R: Iran! Where the F.... is Iran?
X: Iran is a little country
Biker Chick: Can you handle the Machinery?
R: Oh ye?
X: Yee, We Iranians got the
same problem with them God Damn Eye-Rainians
R: Yee do?
X: Yee, them Sumbitches come
to our country, gittin our jobs, using our system, and banging our
R: Fer sure?
Biker Chick: Chinese, Japanese, Birds and Bees, Look at These!
(Now, my line
of logic started!)
X: Yee, we got a bigger problem than youall
R: Hows that?
X: Cause our country is closer
to Eye-Rain than yers
R: Oh ye, Iran is closer to Eye-Rain than US of A, haw?
R: I see
X: Them freaks F....ed up our
R: Hey youall are Aryans ha?
X: Hey Joe, let me tell yee
somethin, weall are the most Aryans
R: Yeall are?
R: Hows that?
X: Well ye know, we the original
good old boys, we the bad mother Aryans, yeall came from English
Can you handle them Choppers?!
X: Then yeeall are more like
R: I reckon so
X: Yee heer Joe, then we're
more Aryan than Anglos, hell some Anglos ain't even Aryan Joe
R: Hey watch yer mouth Fancy boy......
X: I mean no disrespect Joe,
but we the heart of Aryans
R: Ye all are?
X: Yee, de ye know what Iran
X: It means land of Aryans Joe....
git it? Iran, Aryan?
R: I reckon
X: Yee see we got a bigger problem
with them God Damn Eye-Rainians than youall
R: Yee right boy, I thought we had it bad over here!
X: Yee, wait till you git over
R: I reckin so, and what yeeall doin here boy?
X: We here to visit, maybe git
some help from our Aryan Brothers to Git them Eye-Rainians Joe
R: Well yeeall are in the right place Fancy boy
X: I reckon so Joe
Can you handle them Front Rack?!
R: Hey, yeeall can count on us Boy.
X: Well Thank yee much Joe,
I thank yee
R: Hey, so have yee ever seen one O them?
X: Who that might be Joe?
R: Them God Damn Eye-Rainians?
X: Oh yee, all the time back
home, we see them Sumbitches!
R: How they look like?
X: You mean you ain't seen one
R: Well yee, we seen them but from far, and in Portland,
not around here
X: Oh yee
X: Well let me tell yee something
Joe, them Sumbitches are wild mothers, they sneak on yee like Wild
boars from the back and eat yee up like a freakin chita, they don't
fight fair Joe, that's because they got them Rags on their Heads,
it gits them meaner or somethin.....
Can you handle them Back Rack?!
R: Oh yee?
X: Yee, and some say they even
got some Jew in them!
R: You reckon?
X: I know so!
X: Yee, they got them Rags on
their heads but they got them Jew Beanies underneath.....
R: Yee don't say?
X: Fer sure, I seen themall
R: Them God Damn Bastard Eye-Rainian Arab, Rag Head, Jews,
no wonder their so Evil!
X: Yee, I even heard they got
some Colored Blood in them too!
R: No way?
X: yee, cause Negroes from Ethiopia
or somethin mixed with them from south too!
R: No wonder!
X: That's why they like to go
to other people's lands and take over their jobs, money, gals, .......
R: I got the picture fancy boy!
X: Yee, mighty fine
R: Them God Damn Abu Dabi, Sumbitch, Eye-Rainian Arab, Rag
Head, Jew, Colored folk....
X: Yee them Sumbitches, we got
lots O problems with them back home
R: Do yee think maybe they got some Spick in them too?
X: Hell, I even heard some O
them came from Porto Rico, who knows maybe so!
R: they got all them evil races in them, ha?
X: I reckon so, Joe
R: Well boy, youall ain't got to take them jackets off, leave
em on boy, tell yer boys they can drink all they want, this next
round is on us.
X: Well Thank Yee kindly Joe
R: I reckon yeeall are our brothers
Can you handle them Engine Rack?!
(Then Joe hollered
at his gang)
R: Hey boys, this here is Fancy Boy from California Dead
Ends. These are The Dead End Boys. They're good old boys.
R Gang: Hiyouall
X: Hiyouall boys
X Gang: Hi guys
R: I likes this Fancy Boy, he bad, he real bad Mother
X: Sieg Heil Lightnin Joe
R: Sieg Heil Fancy Boy
X: Fuhrer is our master
R: Sieg Heil to that
(At this point Me and Joe keep on raising our hands and do the Aryan
Salute, and then suddenly all the good old boys are Sieg Heiling
all over the place! My boys were at the bar trying hard to control
themselves not to laugh at my master performance, they were biting
their lips! Hell, this was my master plan, rather to go head to
head with a bar full of good old boys! Three of us and a Tribe of
them! Just wouldn't do!)
all right Fellow
X: Yee ain't that bad of a Feller
R: Yee solid, Fancy Boy
X: Yee my Bro, joe
(At this point me and Joe, hugged each other, even kissed each other
on both cheeks, Persian Style! He smelled like a day old staled
beer! Son of a bitch was all beard and mustache, his face was like
a Mexican Jalopy Raggedy cheap Pancho Rug!)
everybody pick up yer Mugs and drink for Fancy boy's health yeeall.......
(Now everyone was toasting and drinking for my health!)
R: White power (Saluting again)
the Beer Mugs in one hand and Salute the Fuhrer with the other hand!)
R: To my new best friend, The Fancy Boy From South of Border,
California Sissy Lands..........
All: To Fancy boy from California......
R: By the way, where did you git them fancy boots boy? They're
some fine lookin boots and ......
Can you handle them Frame Work? But of course, we are still talking about Bikes!
That was one
heck of a night that me and the boys do reminisce about it, until
this day! Every time we have a reunion, we talk about the good old
Biker Days and the way I turned things upside down in the fine Boon
town of Bandon, Oregon!
It is amazing
how the public is so ignorant about world's general information!
So this was the story of how this Eye-Rain verses Iran controversy
started! I often make an Ass out of RedNecks and other ignorant
groups, but it is getting harder and harder for me to not laugh
during my role plays, performances and conversations when enlightening
the good old boys!
Chubby Biker Chick: Eat Meat!
Can you handle them Gears?
Can you handle them Lamb Shanks? Get a load o
this if you can!
You see, I am
a great pretender and I can imitate accents just like natives of
that accent. I can speak English with RedNeck, Southern, Hill Billy,
Black, Italian, Mexican, Vietnamese, Chinese, Philippino (Tagalog),
Arabic, Indian, Paki, African, Jamaican, and Traditional Persian
accents! I can imitate them just like the natives to the point that
they can't really tell if I talk like that or I am Shiiting them!
On the other
hand, we might get philosophical and claim that they call them Eye-Rainians
because they always have their Eyes to the Rain to fertilize the
Barren land, rather to create a system of irrigation themselves!
To Be Wild!
And that was
how we had a Ball and many laughs in the middle of a Nowhere Land,
years ago at the West Coast Boon Town, South West of Oregon. A night
that I saved our asses from a bar full of the good old boys! A night
that we partied till morning with the Aryan Brotherhood! A night
that we never forgot, a night in Bandon, Oregon!
amaze and amuse myself!
Eye-Rainian and Iranian: Chapter 2
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