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Eye-Rainian and Iranian! - Persian Humor
Chapter 1: Eye-Rainian Roots
Biker Chicks Photo Gallery included

 

Eye-Rainian and Iranian!
Chapter 1: Eye-Rainian Roots + Biker Chicks Photo Gallery
A True Story, about an Amazing Night in Bandon, Oregon!
From The Good Old Biker Days ...
Ahreeman X
1st Edition: February 16, 2002
2nd Edition: November 6, 2014


Classic Beatnik Style Rebel Biker Chick

If you follow my writings, by now you are aware that I am not your average Iranian and I do not lead the life of an average Iranian. But if you think I am different now, then you had to see me in early 80s!

The times were hard
The girls were wild
The bikes were hot
The leathers were rough
The boys were tough
The brawls were on
The speed was god
The roads were ours
And
We were The Road Warriors….. those were the days!


Right On Baby!

Let me take you back in time to early 1980s. Let me tell you a story, a true story about this whole Eye-Rain and Iran thing! Let me tell you about this whole deal with the pronunciation of the name of the country. How did it all started and did I play a part to agitate it and then made a fool out of certain people? Where the hell is Bandon, Oregon? It's a little town in Boonies on South West of Oregon, near the coast! Hold on to your pants, I'll tell you all about it!


Rebel without a Cause Biker Chick

In "The Wild One", the copper asked Marlon Brando,
Copper: What are you rebelling against?
Brando: What do you got?!

That's pretty much what we were doing! We were rebelling against Status Q. We were living on the edge of the law and life!


Heavy Metal Biker Chick

This goes back a while, a few years back, when I was still young and liked to play the "Wild One" on my Motorcycle, and Marlon Brando was my role model as a rebel without a cause, way back in Biker days and black leather jacket era. We enjoyed cruising to small towns in boonies. Weather was clean, nature was keen and girls were just crazy about Big City Boys! We were the nightmare of little small towns in middle of nowhere! We were riding against the wind and against establishment. We were The Dead Ends! Ma, Paw and Sheriff, lock up your teen daughters and lock up your stores and homes, cause The Dead End Kids are coming to town!


Rocker Biker Chick

So picture this, The boys and I were cruising the West Coast of Oregon, far from our territory and we ended up in a little RedNeck Boon Town in South Oregon called Bandon! Three of us as total strangers wearing black, went into the little RedNeck local Bar in Bandon, Oregon! Picture me with very long hair down to my shoulders back then, wearing a Black Leather Biker Jacket with silver chains hanging from the right side shoulder snap of it and the Club emblem on the top left side of my chest. Picture I walk in the Bar wearing Black Leather from top to bottom, Jacket, Pants, belts, boots, even gloves. Me at 6' 3" with very long hair down to my shoulders, all buffed up body, in Black Leather with the boys walking in the RedNeck joint, that was a Bad sight and we were some real Bad Mothers.....


Rocker Biker Chick: Howzat with Up-hair?

The local Bickers were at the pool table and around the jukebox, shooting pool and shooting Shiite. One crazy drunk and raggedy good old boy decided to start pulling our shorts and give us some Shiite! The Dude was so drunk that he could barely see straight, but he was among all his homeboys. We were sitting on the barstools watching them, play pool and resting our bones from the trip, when the Boba-Fet the Bounty Hunter looking raggedy good old boy approached me and this is how it went:

(Please read all conversations with Oregon Country Accent which is very similar to Southern Accent!)

Rag Man: You know boys, God Damn Eye-Rainians coming to our country, taking our jobs, using our goods, screwing our women, and having a ball on our sake, what do you say boys.
Rag Man's Boys: Ye man, them God Damn Eye-Rainians taking our boys hostages in their God Damn country....
R: I say, them God Damn Sumbitch (local country folk lingo for "Son of a bitch"!), bastards Sand Niggers think they're slick.
R Boys: Yee them sumbitch gittin our jobs and our gals......
(At this point I am telling to myself, what the hell, how come these illiterate people can't pronounce "Iran", even the news casters can't do it right, I mean how hard is it to pronounce the name of the country, right?!)


Biker Chick: I’m not only making a fashion statement but I’m also making a Hardware Statement!

R: Them Mothers got to learn a thing or two boys....
(And suddenly a bright idea came to my mind, maybe I can use this ignorance for my benefit to make a pampas ass of these good old folk! A Bright Idea "Ding Dong, Ding Dong", then a light bulb and after that a halo started to show up above my head!)
R: Next you know, them GodDamn Eye-Rainians will take over our land, they already took over the GodDamn California, now they wanna GodDamn take over here, them GodDamn Sumbitches....
R Boys: Yee, them God Damn Rag Heads.......


Biker Chick: Mainstream Social Sheeple, can you handle this?!
Sheeple = Sheep People leading an ordinary lifestyle

R: (pointing at me hollering) Boy, hey Boy........
X: (Getting my Southern Accent) Yee?
R: I say, boy what yeeall coming down here wearing them fancy leather jackets with them Gang Marks?
X: Haw?
R: I said, don't yee know fer sure, this ain't yer turf boy?
X: Well I be damned!
R: Boy, yee look like the big shot here, don't yee know, when passing by other people's turf, yee must take them God Damn Jackets off?
X: Wow Boy!
R: Boy.....or at least take them God Damn Gang signs off yer chest, do you hear me boy?
X: Now git this chum, the jackets are not coming off and the insignias are not coming off fer sure.
R: Oh ye?
X: I reckon so dude


Good Old Biker Days ……

R: A tough mother ha?
X: It's beneath us to take them off, it hurts our pride.
R: Boy, you're in our turf, this is not Faggot State of California, and we're not airing our rear ends here boy...
X: I reckon so
R: Have some respect boy, who the hell do you think ye are boy? Coming to our town wearing them fancy outfits?
X: Just passing through Jack, we ain't want no trouble Jack.
R: The only way yeall wont get no trouble is to take them God Damn Jackets off when in our turf.
X: Well, that's a mighty shame Jack.


Relaxed Biker Chick

R: Boy, you ain't hearing well, de you? I gonna shove them shinny Faggoty boots of yours up your Ass....
X: I reckon, they won't fit Jack, but my fist fits up your butt!
R: Boy, you got a big mouth, wanna make some good use of it? Why don't you blow me right here sissy boy (pointing at his tool)?
X: I like to bite thangs, I reckon, ye wont like that Chum!
R: Ye got a mouth on you boy!
(At this point, I started the political approach!)
X: What's yer name Jack?
R: Joe Bob, but they call me Lightnin Joe.
X: Mighty fine Lightnin Joe, I wanna share a little secret with you Joe
R: Oh ye!
X: Yee


Biker Chick: Let’s go Psycho!

R: What'll it be boy?
X: Listen Joe, we the Dead End Boys, we come from out of town, we just passing through yer turf and fer sure we ain't mean no disrespect fer youall.
R: I see
X: Besides, aren't yeeall Good old boys bikers?
R: don't you see the insignias on the back of our jackets boy? Of course we are!
X: Aren't yee good old boys, Nazis?
R: We the Aryan Brotherhood boy, watch yer tong boy, of course we are!
X: Ain't yee boys believing in White Power?
R: Amen Boy!
X: Then what the freakin Dang On thang is wrong with yee boys?


Biker Chick: Can you handle them Gears and Hardware?

R: What yee mean boy?
X: Simmer down Lightnin Joe, simmer down and dig: We're yer feller Aryans from South! (Now my accent gets way deep in South, that I even amazed myself!)
R: Ye mean youall fellows are good old boys?
X: I mean, why pickin a bone with yer brother Aryan rather then git them God Damn Jew Boys?
R: Ha, yee got a pointer boy!
X: I reckon we the out of towners but we still yer feller Aryans!


Biker Chick: I just wanna make you Bleed, eat your Meat and chew on your Bone!

R: I reckon
X: Listen Joe, yer a good Christian?
R: I reckon
X: Yee believin this land?
R: I reckon
X: Yee believin this land is occupied by ZOG (Zionist Occupied Government)?
R: I reckon
X: Yee wanna free this land and give it to the White good old boys?
R: I reckon
X: Then what the hell is the matter with you boy?
R: Haw?
X: I say pay attention boy ……. Well, were the good old boys too
R: Yee are?
X: Yee


Biker Chick: Can you handle them Hardware and Software?!

R: But hows about them God Damn Eye-Rainian Folk tryin to screw us up the shitter?
X: Yee, True
R: Them Sumbitches givin it to us good, up the shitter.....
X: Ye them sumbitches God Damn Eye-Rainians
R: They in cahoots with ZOG
X: Ahaw.......them God Damn Rag Heads
R: Hey,....Wait a second boy, yeeall got an accent, where yeeall from?
X: Weall are from Iran
R: Iran! Where the F.... is Iran?
X: Iran is a little country near Eye-Rain


Biker Chick: Can you handle the Machinery?

R: Oh ye?
X: Yee, We Iranians got the same problem with them God Damn Eye-Rainians
R: Yee do?
X: Yee, them Sumbitches come to our country, gittin our jobs, using our system, and banging our women too!
R: Fer sure?


Biker Chick: Chinese, Japanese, Birds and Bees, Look at These!

(Now, my line of logic started!)
X: Yee, we got a bigger problem than youall
R: Hows that?
X: Cause our country is closer to Eye-Rain than yers
R: Oh ye, Iran is closer to Eye-Rain than US of A, haw?
X: Yee
R: I see
X: Them freaks F....ed up our country too!
R: Hey youall are Aryans ha?
X: Hey Joe, let me tell yee somethin, weall are the most Aryans
R: Yeall are?
X: Yee
R: Hows that?
X: Well ye know, we the original good old boys, we the bad mother Aryans, yeall came from English roots, no?


Can you handle them Choppers?!

R: Yee
X: Then yeeall are more like Anglos
R: I reckon so
X: Yee heer Joe, then we're more Aryan than Anglos, hell some Anglos ain't even Aryan Joe
R: Hey watch yer mouth Fancy boy......
X: I mean no disrespect Joe, but we the heart of Aryans
R: Ye all are?
X: Yee, de ye know what Iran means?
R: What?
X: It means land of Aryans Joe.... git it? Iran, Aryan?
R: I reckon
X: Yee see we got a bigger problem with them God Damn Eye-Rainians than youall
R: Yee right boy, I thought we had it bad over here!
X: Yee, wait till you git over there Joe!
R: I reckin so, and what yeeall doin here boy?
X: We here to visit, maybe git some help from our Aryan Brothers to Git them Eye-Rainians Joe
R: Well yeeall are in the right place Fancy boy
X: I reckon so Joe


Can you handle them Front Rack?!

R: Hey, yeeall can count on us Boy.
X: Well Thank yee much Joe, I thank yee
R: Hey, so have yee ever seen one O them?
X: Who that might be Joe?
R: Them God Damn Eye-Rainians?
X: Oh yee, all the time back home, we see them Sumbitches!
R: How they look like?
X: You mean you ain't seen one yet?
R: Well yee, we seen them but from far, and in Portland, not around here
X: Oh yee
R: Yee
X: Well let me tell yee something Joe, them Sumbitches are wild mothers, they sneak on yee like Wild boars from the back and eat yee up like a freakin chita, they don't fight fair Joe, that's because they got them Rags on their Heads, it gits them meaner or somethin.....


Can you handle them Back Rack?!

R: Oh yee?
X: Yee, and some say they even got some Jew in them!
R: You reckon?
X: I know so!
R: No?
X: Yee, they got them Rags on their heads but they got them Jew Beanies underneath.....
R: Yee don't say?
X: Fer sure, I seen themall
R: Them God Damn Bastard Eye-Rainian Arab, Rag Head, Jews, no wonder their so Evil!
X: Yee, I even heard they got some Colored Blood in them too!
R: No way?
X: yee, cause Negroes from Ethiopia or somethin mixed with them from south too!
R: No wonder!
X: That's why they like to go to other people's lands and take over their jobs, money, gals, .......
R: I got the picture fancy boy!
X: Yee, mighty fine
R: Them God Damn Abu Dabi, Sumbitch, Eye-Rainian Arab, Rag Head, Jew, Colored folk....
X: Yee them Sumbitches, we got lots O problems with them back home
R: Do yee think maybe they got some Spick in them too?
X: Hell, I even heard some O them came from Porto Rico, who knows maybe so!
R: they got all them evil races in them, ha?
X: I reckon so, Joe
R: Well boy, youall ain't got to take them jackets off, leave em on boy, tell yer boys they can drink all they want, this next round is on us.
X: Well Thank Yee kindly Joe
R: I reckon yeeall are our brothers


Can you handle them Engine Rack?!

(Then Joe hollered at his gang)
R: Hey boys, this here is Fancy Boy from California Dead Ends. These are The Dead End Boys. They're good old boys.
R Gang: Hiyouall
X: Hiyouall boys
X Gang: Hi guys
R: I likes this Fancy Boy, he bad, he real bad Mother ……….
X: Sieg Heil Lightnin Joe
R: Sieg Heil Fancy Boy
X: Fuhrer is our master
R: Sieg Heil to that
(At this point Me and Joe keep on raising our hands and do the Aryan Salute, and then suddenly all the good old boys are Sieg Heiling all over the place! My boys were at the bar trying hard to control themselves not to laugh at my master performance, they were biting their lips! Hell, this was my master plan, rather to go head to head with a bar full of good old boys! Three of us and a Tribe of them! Just wouldn't do!)

R: You all right Fellow
X: Yee ain't that bad of a Feller yerself Joe
R: Yee solid, Fancy Boy
X: Yee my Bro, joe
(At this point me and Joe, hugged each other, even kissed each other on both cheeks, Persian Style! He smelled like a day old staled beer! Son of a bitch was all beard and mustache, his face was like a Mexican Jalopy Raggedy cheap Pancho Rug!)

R: Well, everybody pick up yer Mugs and drink for Fancy boy's health yeeall.......
(Now everyone was toasting and drinking for my health!)
R: White power (Saluting again)

(Everyone raised the Beer Mugs in one hand and Salute the Fuhrer with the other hand!)
R: To my new best friend, The Fancy Boy From South of Border, California Sissy Lands..........
All: To Fancy boy from California......
R: By the way, where did you git them fancy boots boy? They're some fine lookin boots and ......


Can you handle them Frame Work? But of course, we are still talking about Bikes!

That was one heck of a night that me and the boys do reminisce about it, until this day! Every time we have a reunion, we talk about the good old Biker Days and the way I turned things upside down in the fine Boon town of Bandon, Oregon!

It is amazing how the public is so ignorant about world's general information! So this was the story of how this Eye-Rain verses Iran controversy started! I often make an Ass out of RedNecks and other ignorant groups, but it is getting harder and harder for me to not laugh during my role plays, performances and conversations when enlightening the good old boys!


Chubby Biker Chick: Eat Meat!
Can you handle them Gears? Can you handle them Lamb Shanks? Get a load o this if you can!

You see, I am a great pretender and I can imitate accents just like natives of that accent. I can speak English with RedNeck, Southern, Hill Billy, Black, Italian, Mexican, Vietnamese, Chinese, Philippino (Tagalog), Arabic, Indian, Paki, African, Jamaican, and Traditional Persian accents! I can imitate them just like the natives to the point that they can't really tell if I talk like that or I am Shiiting them!

On the other hand, we might get philosophical and claim that they call them Eye-Rainians because they always have their Eyes to the Rain to fertilize the Barren land, rather to create a system of irrigation themselves!


Born To Be Wild!

And that was how we had a Ball and many laughs in the middle of a Nowhere Land, years ago at the West Coast Boon Town, South West of Oregon. A night that I saved our asses from a bar full of the good old boys! A night that we partied till morning with the Aryan Brotherhood! A night that we never forgot, a night in Bandon, Oregon!

Sometimes I amaze and amuse myself!

Dr. X

Eye-Rainian and Iranian: Chapter 2
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