Jokes 1 - Nurollah X
Jokes Which Can Get You Executed in IRI
As told by Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
Written and Compiled by Ahreeman X
1st Edition: March 29, 2007
2nd Edition: July 31, 2016
Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X: Mashallah Kuchulu, what’s your name little one? Hurry up, come over here and sit on my lap. Give Haji a big wet kiss. What’s that? No, I’m not Santa Claus but you can still sit on my lap, it’s OK, I’m Santa Claus’ long lost Muslim cousin, I’m your Uncle Nurollah! C’mon little one, sit on Nurollah’s lap, give Haji a big fat wet kiss on the lips and let Haji get a good healthy squeeze, Islamic style! Say what? Yo Momma said don’t talk to strangers? Hell, I’m not a stranger! I’m your Uncle Nurollah!
R. Chef Ahreeman has cooked up some delicious Ash (stew) with
Nim Man Roqan (a lot of grease) on the top for yous! Ahreeman
always stirs it up good!
Results of Taharat (Islamic Butt Wipe)
As you know,
in Islam you have to "three times" stick 2/3 of your
middle finger in your butt hole and drag your hand from the back
of your in between butt cheeks area to the front and under your
balls or vagina completely, when cleaning your butt after taking
a dump. You should do this with one hand, while you are washing
the butt with the other hand holding the Islamic Toilet Pitcher
(Aftabeh) or the modern metal water hose, quite a task, ha?!
I mean one
can argue if this butt sticking with the middle finger continues
day in and day out and then some people take a dump a few times
a day, then your butt will be fingered by 2/3 of your middle finger
a few times a day! For Allah's sake you may even begin to like
it! Either that or you will rip your butt all in the name of Mohammed
But one thing
is for sure, after a few years of doing this butt fingering, eventually
good pious Muslim will become Gay! I mean for God's sake how can
you keep on fingering your own butt month in and month out and
not to become Gay?!
Have you been
wondering why Muslim men enjoy the company of the young boys and
Muslim women enjoy doing it up the Shiiter before the wedding,
so they neither lose their virginity or get pregnant? It is all
in the name of chastity! Well, this Islamic butt fingering during
butt wash, directly prescribed by Mohammed is the direct cause
of the popularity of Islamic Anal Sex (Lavat) in Islam!
It is amazing
how Islam condemns homosexuality but then again in one form or
another All Muslim are either in to Anal Sex or Gay! Don't you
just love Islam?
If you notice,
throughout the whole Quran, Allah is concerned about your Belly
(food) and Under Belly (sex)! Islam, the beautiful religion of
Belly and Under Belly! Who are we to question the wisdom of Allah,
maybe there is a wisdom in to all this butt fingering! Praise
* * *
Boys must watch it when they bend over up and down reading Namaz,
thus Ahreeman is everywhere and he either pitchforks or fingers
Holy Taharat (Islamic Butt Wipe)
As I have
explained to you, in Islam you have to "three times"
stick 2/3 of your middle finger in your butt hole and drag your
hand from the back of your in between butt cheeks area to the
front and under your balls or vagina completely, when cleaning
your butt after taking a dump. You should do this with one hand,
while you are washing the butt with the other hand holding the
Islamic Toilet Pitcher (Aftabeh) or the modern metal water hose!
The amazing Islamic butt wipe!
After the unsuccessful assassination of Ayatollah Khamenei by
the opposition, and the episode of exploding a bomb, he just got
wounded and lost the control of his one hand due to the neural
issues. Also as you know one has to to do Islamicaly proper Taharat
(Islamic Ass Wipe) in the bathroom. So with the loss of the use
of one hand, Ayatollah could not do proper Taharat! So he used
to ask his main bodyguard Pasdar (Islamic Revolutionary Guard)
to help him wash his ass! Who knows, maybe this was the original
incident which had caused the IRGC (Islamic Revolutionary Guards
Corps) to have their heads up Imam's ass and never taken it out!
So at the
first episode of Ass Washing, this is what happened:
Ayatollah: Brother would you help me wash my ass, Islamicaly correct! You
know with only one hand, it is surely hard to wash it by myself?
Pasdar: Yes my master, it is my Islamic Duty to Taharat, Ayatollah's
Ayatollah: Thank you brother, please make sure that 2/3 of the middle finger
goes in my hole and rubbed to the front and under my balls three
times, religiously correct!
Pasdar: Yes Ayatollah, I shall do my task right.
Ayatollah: Yes I can feel it, that's the way to do it.
(Picture Ayatollah squat sitting on the Islamic Flat Toilet and
holding the Aftabeh (Islamic toilet pitcher) with his one good
hand, while Asqar Pasdar is squatting on the floor next to him,
sticking his finger in ayatollah Khamenei's Ass, trying to properly
wash that Holy Ass!) and suddenly.....
Ayatollah: Brother you could take your Ring off before you have
started Taharat, it is
Pasdar: But Master, that is not my Ring which you are feeling, yet it
is my Hand Watch!
Imagine how wide that hole must have been stretched throughout
the years of "all male" religious study in Hozeye Elmiye
Qom Religious Study University to become so insensitive!"
* * *
Arafat: Holy Shiite, Jumping Coyotes, Holy Toledos, after all
the good that I had done, why have I landed in Hell?!
Back in Paris,
before his arrival to Iran, right before the Revolution, one day
Ayatollah Khomeini had an important meeting with the news media.
Just before the news conference, he felt, that he has to take
a dump! Now this happened in the villa, so he could not find an
Islamic flat Toilet, he searched all around, yet no luck!
had to use a Western toilet bowl in the bathroom at the Villa!
So he went inside the bathroom and tried to go on the top of the
toilet bowl, then on the side, then looked all around, he just
did not know how to use a Western Toilet!
Ayatollah: Should I go on top of it? Should I go at the bottom? Should I
go around it? Or on the side, or what?!
he gave up and he went in the front yard, a garden area, found
a tree and took a dump over there under the tree, found some leaves
to dry his butt, pulled up his Tonban (Islamic Pajama Pants),
fixed his Aba (Islamic Robe), and got ready to go. Then he noticed
that the Shiite (Islamic Shit, just kidding) was so visible, and
when the reporters would walk in from the gate towards the villa's
main door and pass the tree, they will see the Holy Shiite!
Ayatollah: what to do, what to do to avoid the embarrassment?
OK he took
off his Turban (Islamic Wrapped Up Round Holy Head Cover) and
placed it on top of the Holy Shiite to cover it up! Then he ran
inside the building to get ready for the news conference and interview.
back then Ayatollah's Aid (Later killed by him) opened the gate
and all the reporters walked in, rushing to the building's door.
In front of this crew was walking a Sister of Zeynab (Islamicaly
Dressed in Black chador, Crow look alike Activist), suddenly sister
saw the turban!
Sister: Oh God, They terrorized Ayatollah Khomeini, those
damn Taqutiyoun (Monarchists) had finally killed him, they also
dropped his Turban under the tree, oh God help us ............
(moaning and crying)!
Ghotbzadeh: Do not panic, where is the body?
Sister: I don't know, oh God, poor Ayatollah......
Ghotbzadeh: Let me see (While he picked up the turban), oh my Lord.....
Sister: Oh God, they also blew up his brains!
you know Holy Shiite, kind of looking like Ayatollah's Brain and
* * *
Devil: Now boys I understand that this a Eastern Style O Greeting
and a cultural tradition for Eid-e Qorban and Eid-e Fetr; however,
do not over do it, cause you may get aroused and tempted to jump
each other's bones and do some Lavat (Islamic Butt Bangarooni)!
Down boys down
Montazeri was traveling in a helicopter, next to him was a guide
to the region, which he was visiting, and the driver was sitting
in the front. When they went above the Salt Desert and The Salt
Lake (Central Iran), he required...
Ayatollah: Hey Yadollah, how come they don't
grow vegetables in this area, they always complain about the lack
of fertile lands to grow vegetables, here are a lots of lands,
why don't they grow something, let's say Cucumbers?
(pilgrim), it is not possible to grow cucumbers here, it's Salt
Ayatollah: Then tell them to grow Pickles!
much knowledge of Agriculture there, ha?!"
* * *
The Great Shiite Thinker
R. The Great Shiite Kicker!
One day, God
had decided to give a loan to his Holiest Saints and give them
a chance to do some good with these loans, so he called over,
Saint Paul, Joan De'Ark and Imam Ali Aleih Al Salaam (4th Caliph
of Rashedin). God gave each of them $5000.00 as a loan, and back
then that was a lot of money! God told them to go spend the money
wisely to do some good by spreading the word of the Lord. God
wanted his principal and interest in Good Deeds!
So God got
back to these Saints and started his inquiries,
G: So tell me Paul, what have you accomplished with the funds in
which I have loaned to you?
Paul: Well I went and spent the
money on helping the needy, preaching the word and do some good
your good heart Paul, you have done good. What about you Joan?
De'Ark: Well I have drafted many
soldiers from the poorest of classes in the society so at the
same time I have provided them with jobs, also made them to spread
the word of the Lord to all.
my daughter, you have done well. I am proud of you. How about
you Ali? As the Fourth Caliph of Rashedin and the first Shiite
Imam, I have high expectations from you, so tell me all about
the wondrous ways that you have spent the money?
Ali: Forgive me Allah and please be merciful. Dear Allah, let me be
honest with you, myself, I have been murdered by the hands of
"Ibn Al Muljem" The "Khavarej" infidel, so
I have died and left the money to Hussein (3rd Shiite Imam). Hussein
also has been murdered by the hands of "Yazid" the "Umayyid"
infidel, so he also died and left the money to Mahdi (12th Shiite
Imam). Now we were counting on Mahdi to do some good with the
dough, but that Son of a Bitch just got up one day and went in
to a Water Well and disappeared with all the money! So far we
have heard nothing more about his whereabouts and we are still
waiting on his Shiite Ass to return!
* * *
L. Wanted Islamist for imitating a Radical Liberal Democrat -
Seyed Michael al Moore
C. Wanted Crooked Billionaire for imitating an Islamist - Ali
Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani
R. Wanted Clown Baboon for imitating president of Iran - Mahmoud
of Namaz (Islamic Prayer)
Passion for Prophets!
Time: Long ago in the past, about 1400 years ago,
One day, God
got very horny and he decided to bang all his prophets! So he
called over Moses and told him,
G: You're a good prophet of mine and you are well obedient. I am
very horny and I have decided to bang all my prophets! Will you
bend over and let me do the nasty with you?
M: Of course, you are God, the big G Man. I will do anything to please
G: Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeay......., I tell you what, bend over and let me
do the Shalom Malekhem on your Semite Booty and if it feels good,
I will give salvation to your people and Umma'.
So Moses bent
over and God was pumping them Holy juices into his Khutbah Holy
Booty and he truly enjoyed pumping that Jewish Butt, so he went,
G: Ohhhhhhhh.......Yeeeee....., That was mighty fine, Jewish Buns
are mighty tight and fine. I knew that Jews are so tight, but
I had no idea that they are also very tight down there as well!
As I promised I will grant your people salvation. May your folks
control the World's Economy!
Moses' Putting out:
As we see the results, Jews, until this day, do control the world's
Next day God
got horny again and called upon Jesus,
big J, I heard you're a peaceful humble man, they slap you on
one side of your face and you turn over the other cheek to be
bitch slapped! They slap you on your right butt cheek and you
turn over the other cheek to be spanked! So I tell you what, why
don't you bend over and let me do the Sunday Mass on your Lordship's
Buns and drop some holy water on your buttocks? If I will be satisfied
with the work out and your performance, I will grant your people
J: Dear Father, you are the mighty
God, I do as you please. I will do anything for my people's salvation.
So Jesus bent
over and God done a 30 minute Christian Bangarooni on his Holy
buns. Jesus suffered much but not a single word of resentment!
Jesus only moaned and screamed in pain. Once done, God said,
G: Hmmmm, Ahhhhhh, Uhhhh, Oohhhh, yeeee, Christian buns are mighty
fine, Jesus you pleased us well.
J: Well Father you been kind O hard
on my behind and made me suffer and bleed for many of my followers'
sins! But I suffered in silence!
for your good services, I will grant your people salvation. May
your people control the world's technology.
Jesus' suffering upon the schlong and his ripped anus:
As the results, up to this date, the Western Christian Nations,
do control and lead the world's technology.
God got horny again and called Muhammad over,
G: Mo, I am very horny today, I have heard so much about them Arab
Tazi Hard Buns! Will you bend over and let me do the Ya Habibi
on your Mataht, I wanna do a Marathon Bang on your Arab Buns and
if I get satisfied and like your services, I will grant salvation
to your Umma' and the good Muslim Folks?
Mo: The Fandango with my Umma' and
good Muslim folks! I am an Arab Man, I will never bend over for
anyone, including you, to bang my Mataht! Frag Muslim Umma' who
wants salvation by me sacrificing my Buns! I do not care if you
are God, The Fandango with you too! Us, Arabs have been Lavating
(Islamic Butt Bang) and Butt Banging all the good folks ourselves,
what makes you think that we will bend over for anyone to bang
us? The Hell with you!
G: I am warning you Muhammad, just bend over and shut your mouth,
I am Allah and I order you to do so.
Mo: The hell with that, never, ever,
I shall bend over and let any one to Butt bang me. I saw what
you have done to Jesus' virgin Butt!
G: OK then, I shall condemn your Umma'. May your people, stay poor,
backward, filthy, ignorant and deeply in superstitions and chaos
forever and for eternity!
Muhammad not bending over for Allah:
As we see, the whole Middle East, Near East, North Africa and
North West Oceania are the most fanatical, illiterate, backward,
filthy, superstitious, poverty stricken, and Low Tech regions
of the world!
Time: Now, the present
years passed and as we see today, depending on the fraction or
sect of Islam, Muslim do their prayer (Salath or Namaz) between
5 times a day (Sunni) to 3 times a day (Shiite), and during this
prayer, they keep on bending up and down so many times and every
time they bend over, depending on the sect between 3 to 5 times
a day, they look at the sky, and say,
Muslim: Allah, we are so sorry for disobedient of Muhammad, please forgive
us, we have been bending over during each Namaz so many times
and in 3 to 5 separate sessions per day. We have been bending
over for 1400 years, since the day that Mohammed boldly refused
your order to bend over! God, please forgive us and have mercy
on our poor doomed souls, please bang away our Muslim Buns, rip
it away and grant us salvation, we are tired of our third world
destiny that you wrote for us, we have been suffering for 1400
years! We beg of you Allah? Will you find it in your heart to
forgive us Muslim for Muhammad's Sins? Allah, please bang us and
hand us salvation?
Allah: Sorry Folks, it is too late, I am not horny any more!
is the truth and nothing but the truth and historically correct
* * *
Integration of Europe
A present for Europe - Great Islamic White Cake for EU
Khomeini Goes to the Other Side!
and he went to the other side. He met God and God told him, here
is the Deal, you will go on top of this great lengthy slide and
you will slide on down and you will notice a number of tents along
side the great slide. You will try to get into one of these tents
to avoid sliding all the way down! If you manage to get into any
of these tents, then you will get to stay in Heaven, but if you
will not be able to get into any of them, then you will slide
on down all the way to the bottom of the slide and as you can
see, Devil with his Huge pitchfork is waiting to stick that Fork
up your butt and make Hell Stew out of your Ass! So this is a
challenge for you to save your soul! Now go on and best of luck
started on top of the slide and went sliding down until he saw
the first tent. He knocked on the door and Muhammad opened the
Khomeini: Muhammad, you are a Muslim and I am a Muslim too! Will you
find it in your heart to let me in the tent, so I can get into
Muhammad: Get the hell out of here, you son of a bitch. You have damaged
the prestige of Islam, Quran, and myself, so bad, that it is beyond
repair! Get the hell out of the tent and don't come back.
kept on sliding down until he saw the second tent, he knocked
on the door and Moses opened the door,
Khomeini: Moses, you are a forgiving prophet. I know that I have done harm
to the Jews in Iran, but I am sorry for my actions of the past
and I beg forgiveness from you. Please let me in this tent, so
I can save my soul and get into the Heaven, will you?
Moses: Listen son of a bitch, you demolished,
oppressed, and enslaved the Jews of Iran, Big Time! Now you beg
for forgiveness?! Get the hell out of this tent and don't ever
come back here.
sliding down to Hell and there was standing the Devil with his
pitchfork moving up and down, smiling at him and awaiting his
arrival! Khomeini was sweating crazy and fearful of his future!
kept on sliding down, until he saw the last tent, he knocked and
amazingly, no one opened the door but the door automatically opened
up by itself! Khomeini looked amazed and required,
Khomeini: Oh my Lord, it's you! They say you are the most forgiving person.
I have done wrong to All, but now I need mercy, please show mercy
on my soul. They say that you forgive and forget, they say that
you always turned the other cheek, will you find it in your heart
to forgive my sins and let me in? You are my last hope and if
you reject me, I will fall down in Hell. Look at this Devil guy
down there, do you see him? He is waving his pitchfork at me and
he wants to rip my Ass apart with it! Please save me or the Devil
will stick it big time to me! I beg of you Lord?!
Jesus: Oh dear poor soul, what can I
say, I am a forgiving person! I cannot refuse you and let you
fall in the depths of Hell! But there is a problem! Well, look
at me (pointing at his hands and feet nailed to the cross), my
hands are tied, but I tell you what, you can always try to hold
on to this (pointing at his penis sticking out of his pubic hair,
fully erect), and hang on to it! If it can handle your weight,
you can hang on to it and drag yourself off of the slide and into
the tent to see salvation, but if it will not be strong enough
to carry your weight, then I guess you will just have to fall
down and slide on down to Hell! So grab it with both hands and
give it a shot Ruhollah!
* * *
are you laughing at me? So you think I am funny? What am I? An
object for your amusement? You won't be laughing when I back kick
your ass infidel! I am only a good Muslim same as you trying to
read these despicable blasphemous jokes by that infidel Ahreeman,
may he rests in depths of Hell!
History of Tasbih (Islamic Rosary Beads)
Islamic History 101
ask me what is the use of Tasbih?
Allow me to
Before Islam, Arabs were always sitting around the tents and playing
with their balls!
Mohamed came and handed them Tasbih, so they would seize playing
with their balls and start playing with Tasbih!
Today, Arabs are playing with Tasbih while reading verses of Quran
or simply repeating Allah O Akbar a 1000 times! However, late
at night and under the blankets, away from the watching eyes of
Mohammed and Allah, they still play with their balls! Old habits
Peek a Boo!
Allah can see you!
Allah O Akbar!
* * *
Read more Nurollah X:
read your Quran and Namaz or you will end up looking like this!
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