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Islamic Jokes - Part 1
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Islamic Jokes 1 - Nurollah X
Jokes Which Can Get You Executed in IRI

Part One
As told by Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
Written and Compiled by Ahreeman X

1st Edition: March 29, 2007
2nd Edition: July 31, 2016

Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X: Mashallah Kuchulu, what’s your name little one? Hurry up, come over here and sit on my lap. Give Haji a big wet kiss. What’s that? No, I’m not Santa Claus but you can still sit on my lap, it’s OK, I’m Santa Claus’ long lost Muslim cousin, I’m your Uncle Nurollah! C’mon little one, sit on Nurollah’s lap, give Haji a big fat wet kiss on the lips and let Haji get a good healthy squeeze, Islamic style! Say what? Yo Momma said don’t talk to strangers? Hell, I’m not a stranger! I’m your Uncle Nurollah!

R. Chef Ahreeman has cooked up some delicious Ash (stew) with Nim Man Roqan (a lot of grease) on the top for yous! Ahreeman always stirs it up good!

The Results of Taharat (Islamic Butt Wipe)

As you know, in Islam you have to "three times" stick 2/3 of your middle finger in your butt hole and drag your hand from the back of your in between butt cheeks area to the front and under your balls or vagina completely, when cleaning your butt after taking a dump. You should do this with one hand, while you are washing the butt with the other hand holding the Islamic Toilet Pitcher (Aftabeh) or the modern metal water hose, quite a task, ha?!

I mean one can argue if this butt sticking with the middle finger continues day in and day out and then some people take a dump a few times a day, then your butt will be fingered by 2/3 of your middle finger a few times a day! For Allah's sake you may even begin to like it! Either that or you will rip your butt all in the name of Mohammed and Islam!

But one thing is for sure, after a few years of doing this butt fingering, eventually good pious Muslim will become Gay! I mean for God's sake how can you keep on fingering your own butt month in and month out and not to become Gay?!

Have you been wondering why Muslim men enjoy the company of the young boys and Muslim women enjoy doing it up the Shiiter before the wedding, so they neither lose their virginity or get pregnant? It is all in the name of chastity! Well, this Islamic butt fingering during butt wash, directly prescribed by Mohammed is the direct cause of the popularity of Islamic Anal Sex (Lavat) in Islam!

It is amazing how Islam condemns homosexuality but then again in one form or another All Muslim are either in to Anal Sex or Gay! Don't you just love Islam?

If you notice, throughout the whole Quran, Allah is concerned about your Belly (food) and Under Belly (sex)! Islam, the beautiful religion of Belly and Under Belly! Who are we to question the wisdom of Allah, maybe there is a wisdom in to all this butt fingering! Praise Allah!

* * *

Muslim Boys must watch it when they bend over up and down reading Namaz, thus Ahreeman is everywhere and he either pitchforks or fingers "All"!

Imam's Holy Taharat (Islamic Butt Wipe)

As I have explained to you, in Islam you have to "three times" stick 2/3 of your middle finger in your butt hole and drag your hand from the back of your in between butt cheeks area to the front and under your balls or vagina completely, when cleaning your butt after taking a dump. You should do this with one hand, while you are washing the butt with the other hand holding the Islamic Toilet Pitcher (Aftabeh) or the modern metal water hose! The amazing Islamic butt wipe!

So anyhow, After the unsuccessful assassination of Ayatollah Khamenei by the opposition, and the episode of exploding a bomb, he just got wounded and lost the control of his one hand due to the neural issues. Also as you know one has to to do Islamicaly proper Taharat (Islamic Ass Wipe) in the bathroom. So with the loss of the use of one hand, Ayatollah could not do proper Taharat! So he used to ask his main bodyguard Pasdar (Islamic Revolutionary Guard) to help him wash his ass! Who knows, maybe this was the original incident which had caused the IRGC (Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps) to have their heads up Imam's ass and never taken it out!

So at the first episode of Ass Washing, this is what happened:

Ayatollah: Brother would you help me wash my ass, Islamicaly correct! You know with only one hand, it is surely hard to wash it by myself?

Pasdar: Yes my master, it is my Islamic Duty to Taharat, Ayatollah's Ass!

Ayatollah: Thank you brother, please make sure that 2/3 of the middle finger goes in my hole and rubbed to the front and under my balls three times, religiously correct!

Pasdar: Yes Ayatollah, I shall do my task right.

Ayatollah: Yes I can feel it, that's the way to do it.
(Picture Ayatollah squat sitting on the Islamic Flat Toilet and holding the Aftabeh (Islamic toilet pitcher) with his one good hand, while Asqar Pasdar is squatting on the floor next to him, sticking his finger in ayatollah Khamenei's Ass, trying to properly wash that Holy Ass!) and suddenly.....
Ayatollah: Brother you could take your Ring off before you have started Taharat, it is
hurting me!?

Pasdar: But Master, that is not my Ring which you are feeling, yet it is my Hand Watch!

"Now Imagine how wide that hole must have been stretched throughout the years of "all male" religious study in Hozeye Elmiye Qom Religious Study University to become so insensitive!"

Praise be upon Allah!

* * *

Yasser Arafat: Holy Shiite, Jumping Coyotes, Holy Toledos, after all the good that I had done, why have I landed in Hell?!

The Turban

Back in Paris, before his arrival to Iran, right before the Revolution, one day Ayatollah Khomeini had an important meeting with the news media. Just before the news conference, he felt, that he has to take a dump! Now this happened in the villa, so he could not find an Islamic flat Toilet, he searched all around, yet no luck!

Finally he had to use a Western toilet bowl in the bathroom at the Villa! So he went inside the bathroom and tried to go on the top of the toilet bowl, then on the side, then looked all around, he just did not know how to use a Western Toilet!

"Ayatollah to himself"
Ayatollah: Should I go on top of it? Should I go at the bottom? Should I go around it? Or on the side, or what?!

So finally he gave up and he went in the front yard, a garden area, found a tree and took a dump over there under the tree, found some leaves to dry his butt, pulled up his Tonban (Islamic Pajama Pants), fixed his Aba (Islamic Robe), and got ready to go. Then he noticed that the Shiite (Islamic Shit, just kidding) was so visible, and when the reporters would walk in from the gate towards the villa's main door and pass the tree, they will see the Holy Shiite!

Ayatollah: what to do, what to do to avoid the embarrassment?

OK he took off his Turban (Islamic Wrapped Up Round Holy Head Cover) and placed it on top of the Holy Shiite to cover it up! Then he ran inside the building to get ready for the news conference and interview.

Ghotbzadeh, back then Ayatollah's Aid (Later killed by him) opened the gate and all the reporters walked in, rushing to the building's door. In front of this crew was walking a Sister of Zeynab (Islamicaly Dressed in Black chador, Crow look alike Activist), suddenly sister saw the turban!

"She screamed"
Sister: Oh God, They terrorized Ayatollah Khomeini, those damn Taqutiyoun (Monarchists) had finally killed him, they also dropped his Turban under the tree, oh God help us ............ (moaning and crying)!

Ghotbzadeh: Do not panic, where is the body?

Sister: I don't know, oh God, poor Ayatollah......

Ghotbzadeh: Let me see (While he picked up the turban), oh my Lord.....

Sister: Oh God, they also blew up his brains!

"Well, you know Holy Shiite, kind of looking like Ayatollah's Brain and all....!"

* * *

She Devil: Now boys I understand that this a Eastern Style O Greeting and a cultural tradition for Eid-e Qorban and Eid-e Fetr; however, do not over do it, cause you may get aroused and tempted to jump each other's bones and do some Lavat (Islamic Butt Bangarooni)! Down boys down …

Islamic Pickles!

Ayatollah Montazeri was traveling in a helicopter, next to him was a guide to the region, which he was visiting, and the driver was sitting in the front. When they went above the Salt Desert and The Salt Lake (Central Iran), he required...

Ayatollah: Hey Yadollah, how come they don't grow vegetables in this area, they always complain about the lack of fertile lands to grow vegetables, here are a lots of lands, why don't they grow something, let's say Cucumbers?

Aid: Haji (pilgrim), it is not possible to grow cucumbers here, it's Salt Land.

Ayatollah: Then tell them to grow Pickles!

"Not much knowledge of Agriculture there, ha?!"

* * *

L. The Great Shiite Thinker
R. The Great Shiite Kicker!

Loans From Allah!

Time: Past

One day, God had decided to give a loan to his Holiest Saints and give them a chance to do some good with these loans, so he called over, Saint Paul, Joan De'Ark and Imam Ali Aleih Al Salaam (4th Caliph of Rashedin). God gave each of them $5000.00 as a loan, and back then that was a lot of money! God told them to go spend the money wisely to do some good by spreading the word of the Lord. God wanted his principal and interest in Good Deeds!

Time: Present

So God got back to these Saints and started his inquiries,

G: So tell me Paul, what have you accomplished with the funds in which I have loaned to you?

Saint Paul: Well I went and spent the money on helping the needy, preaching the word and do some good deeds.

G: Bless your good heart Paul, you have done good. What about you Joan?

Joan De'Ark: Well I have drafted many soldiers from the poorest of classes in the society so at the same time I have provided them with jobs, also made them to spread the word of the Lord to all.

G: Joan my daughter, you have done well. I am proud of you. How about you Ali? As the Fourth Caliph of Rashedin and the first Shiite Imam, I have high expectations from you, so tell me all about the wondrous ways that you have spent the money?

Ali: Forgive me Allah and please be merciful. Dear Allah, let me be honest with you, myself, I have been murdered by the hands of "Ibn Al Muljem" The "Khavarej" infidel, so I have died and left the money to Hussein (3rd Shiite Imam). Hussein also has been murdered by the hands of "Yazid" the "Umayyid" infidel, so he also died and left the money to Mahdi (12th Shiite Imam). Now we were counting on Mahdi to do some good with the dough, but that Son of a Bitch just got up one day and went in to a Water Well and disappeared with all the money! So far we have heard nothing more about his whereabouts and we are still waiting on his Shiite Ass to return!

Praise be upon Allah!

* * *

America's Most Wanted
L. Wanted Islamist for imitating a Radical Liberal Democrat - Seyed Michael al Moore
C. Wanted Crooked Billionaire for imitating an Islamist - Ali Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani
R. Wanted Clown Baboon for imitating president of Iran - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

History of Namaz (Islamic Prayer)
Passion for Prophets!

Time: Long ago in the past, about 1400 years ago,

One day, God got very horny and he decided to bang all his prophets! So he called over Moses and told him,

G: You're a good prophet of mine and you are well obedient. I am very horny and I have decided to bang all my prophets! Will you bend over and let me do the nasty with you?

M: Of course, you are God, the big G Man. I will do anything to please you.

G: Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeay......., I tell you what, bend over and let me do the Shalom Malekhem on your Semite Booty and if it feels good, I will give salvation to your people and Umma'.

So Moses bent over and God was pumping them Holy juices into his Khutbah Holy Booty and he truly enjoyed pumping that Jewish Butt, so he went,

G: Ohhhhhhhh.......Yeeeee....., That was mighty fine, Jewish Buns are mighty tight and fine. I knew that Jews are so tight, but I had no idea that they are also very tight down there as well! As I promised I will grant your people salvation. May your folks control the World's Economy!

Results of Moses' Putting out:
As we see the results, Jews, until this day, do control the world's economy.

Next day God got horny again and called upon Jesus,

G: Hey big J, I heard you're a peaceful humble man, they slap you on one side of your face and you turn over the other cheek to be bitch slapped! They slap you on your right butt cheek and you turn over the other cheek to be spanked! So I tell you what, why don't you bend over and let me do the Sunday Mass on your Lordship's Buns and drop some holy water on your buttocks? If I will be satisfied with the work out and your performance, I will grant your people salvation?

J: Dear Father, you are the mighty God, I do as you please. I will do anything for my people's salvation.

So Jesus bent over and God done a 30 minute Christian Bangarooni on his Holy buns. Jesus suffered much but not a single word of resentment! Jesus only moaned and screamed in pain. Once done, God said,

G: Hmmmm, Ahhhhhh, Uhhhh, Oohhhh, yeeee, Christian buns are mighty fine, Jesus you pleased us well.

J: Well Father you been kind O hard on my behind and made me suffer and bleed for many of my followers' sins! But I suffered in silence!

G: Well, for your good services, I will grant your people salvation. May your people control the world's technology.

Results of Jesus' suffering upon the schlong and his ripped anus:
As the results, up to this date, the Western Christian Nations, do control and lead the world's technology.

Next day, God got horny again and called Muhammad over,

G: Mo, I am very horny today, I have heard so much about them Arab Tazi Hard Buns! Will you bend over and let me do the Ya Habibi on your Mataht, I wanna do a Marathon Bang on your Arab Buns and if I get satisfied and like your services, I will grant salvation to your Umma' and the good Muslim Folks?

Mo: The Fandango with my Umma' and good Muslim folks! I am an Arab Man, I will never bend over for anyone, including you, to bang my Mataht! Frag Muslim Umma' who wants salvation by me sacrificing my Buns! I do not care if you are God, The Fandango with you too! Us, Arabs have been Lavating (Islamic Butt Bang) and Butt Banging all the good folks ourselves, what makes you think that we will bend over for anyone to bang us? The Hell with you!

G: I am warning you Muhammad, just bend over and shut your mouth, I am Allah and I order you to do so.

Mo: The hell with that, never, ever, I shall bend over and let any one to Butt bang me. I saw what you have done to Jesus' virgin Butt!

G: OK then, I shall condemn your Umma'. May your people, stay poor, backward, filthy, ignorant and deeply in superstitions and chaos forever and for eternity!

Results of Muhammad not bending over for Allah:
As we see, the whole Middle East, Near East, North Africa and North West Oceania are the most fanatical, illiterate, backward, filthy, superstitious, poverty stricken, and Low Tech regions of the world!

Time: Now, the present

About 1400 years passed and as we see today, depending on the fraction or sect of Islam, Muslim do their prayer (Salath or Namaz) between 5 times a day (Sunni) to 3 times a day (Shiite), and during this prayer, they keep on bending up and down so many times and every time they bend over, depending on the sect between 3 to 5 times a day, they look at the sky, and say,

Muslim: Allah, we are so sorry for disobedient of Muhammad, please forgive us, we have been bending over during each Namaz so many times and in 3 to 5 separate sessions per day. We have been bending over for 1400 years, since the day that Mohammed boldly refused your order to bend over! God, please forgive us and have mercy on our poor doomed souls, please bang away our Muslim Buns, rip it away and grant us salvation, we are tired of our third world destiny that you wrote for us, we have been suffering for 1400 years! We beg of you Allah? Will you find it in your heart to forgive us Muslim for Muhammad's Sins? Allah, please bang us and hand us salvation?

Allah: Sorry Folks, it is too late, I am not horny any more!

....and that is the truth and nothing but the truth and historically correct indeed!


* * *

Islamic Integration of Europe
A present for Europe - Great Islamic White Cake for EU

Khomeini Goes to the Other Side!

Khomeini died and he went to the other side. He met God and God told him, here is the Deal, you will go on top of this great lengthy slide and you will slide on down and you will notice a number of tents along side the great slide. You will try to get into one of these tents to avoid sliding all the way down! If you manage to get into any of these tents, then you will get to stay in Heaven, but if you will not be able to get into any of them, then you will slide on down all the way to the bottom of the slide and as you can see, Devil with his Huge pitchfork is waiting to stick that Fork up your butt and make Hell Stew out of your Ass! So this is a challenge for you to save your soul! Now go on and best of luck to you.

So Khomeini started on top of the slide and went sliding down until he saw the first tent. He knocked on the door and Muhammad opened the door,

Khomeini: Muhammad, you are a Muslim and I am a Muslim too! Will you find it in your heart to let me in the tent, so I can get into heaven?

Muhammad: Get the hell out of here, you son of a bitch. You have damaged the prestige of Islam, Quran, and myself, so bad, that it is beyond repair! Get the hell out of the tent and don't come back.

So Khomeini kept on sliding down until he saw the second tent, he knocked on the door and Moses opened the door,

Khomeini: Moses, you are a forgiving prophet. I know that I have done harm to the Jews in Iran, but I am sorry for my actions of the past and I beg forgiveness from you. Please let me in this tent, so I can save my soul and get into the Heaven, will you?

Moses: Listen son of a bitch, you demolished, oppressed, and enslaved the Jews of Iran, Big Time! Now you beg for forgiveness?! Get the hell out of this tent and don't ever come back here.

Khomeini started sliding down to Hell and there was standing the Devil with his pitchfork moving up and down, smiling at him and awaiting his arrival! Khomeini was sweating crazy and fearful of his future!

So Khomeini kept on sliding down, until he saw the last tent, he knocked and amazingly, no one opened the door but the door automatically opened up by itself! Khomeini looked amazed and required,

Khomeini: Oh my Lord, it's you! They say you are the most forgiving person. I have done wrong to All, but now I need mercy, please show mercy on my soul. They say that you forgive and forget, they say that you always turned the other cheek, will you find it in your heart to forgive my sins and let me in? You are my last hope and if you reject me, I will fall down in Hell. Look at this Devil guy down there, do you see him? He is waving his pitchfork at me and he wants to rip my Ass apart with it! Please save me or the Devil will stick it big time to me! I beg of you Lord?!

Jesus: Oh dear poor soul, what can I say, I am a forgiving person! I cannot refuse you and let you fall in the depths of Hell! But there is a problem! Well, look at me (pointing at his hands and feet nailed to the cross), my hands are tied, but I tell you what, you can always try to hold on to this (pointing at his penis sticking out of his pubic hair, fully erect), and hang on to it! If it can handle your weight, you can hang on to it and drag yourself off of the slide and into the tent to see salvation, but if it will not be strong enough to carry your weight, then I guess you will just have to fall down and slide on down to Hell! So grab it with both hands and give it a shot Ruhollah!


* * *

Why are you laughing at me? So you think I am funny? What am I? An object for your amusement? You won't be laughing when I back kick your ass infidel! I am only a good Muslim same as you trying to read these despicable blasphemous jokes by that infidel Ahreeman, may he rests in depths of Hell!

The History of Tasbih (Islamic Rosary Beads)
Islamic History 101

People often ask me what is the use of Tasbih?

Allow me to explain:

Before Islam
Before Islam, Arabs were always sitting around the tents and playing with their balls!

Mohammed Came
Mohamed came and handed them Tasbih, so they would seize playing with their balls and start playing with Tasbih!

After Islam
Today, Arabs are playing with Tasbih while reading verses of Quran or simply repeating Allah O Akbar a 1000 times! However, late at night and under the blankets, away from the watching eyes of Mohammed and Allah, they still play with their balls! Old habits die hard!

Peek a Boo!
Allah can see you!
Allah O Akbar!

* * *

Read more Nurollah X:

Humor Index

Infidels, read your Quran and Namaz or you will end up looking like this!

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