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Islamic Jokes 2 - Nurollah X
Jokes Which Can Get You Executed in IRI

Part Two
As told by Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
Written and Compiled by Ahreeman X

1st Edition: March 29, 2007
2nd Edition: July 31, 2016

Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X: Oy ... Ahay boy, come here, let me finger you now and I’ll make sure you’ll get the rewards from Allah in afterlife!

C. Prophet Mohammed PBUHB (Peace Be Upon His Bone) doing the Booty Shake!
R. Prophet Mohammed PBUHB (Peace Be Upon His Bone) doing the Islamic Lambada!

The Amazing Religious Tales!

A Jew Boy (Shamoel) and a Muslim Boy (Abdul) were telling each other about the amazing religious tales of each others' religions! As usual they were both exaggerating! This is how it went:

Jew Boy: My beloved prophet, Moses has done many miracles.

Muslim Boy: And so has done Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him, Sala Allah-a Va Alayha Va Alleh, the wise one.

J: Moses done the greatest of miracles.

M: No, Mohammed's miracles were the greatest!

J: I'm telling you Abdul, our prophet done the greatest of the miracles in the world!

M: OK, fine, then tell me about one of those great miracles and I tell you one, and then we compare them together to see which one is the greatest.

J: Fine, once upon a time my beloved Umma' of Zion were escaping the Egyptian Armies of Pharaoh and they had to cross the Nile River to safety, onward to Sinai and The Promised Land. The only path to escape the Egyptian Atrocities were to cross The Nile River. The tides were high and no bridge to cross and the Egyptians were getting closer!

M: Then what happened, tell me Shamoel?

J: Suddenly Prophet Moses came up with an idea! A Bright Light had formed above his head and a hallow around his head!

M: What was it Shamoel?

J: He took off his Robe, squatted near The Nile with his bare butt near the water and Shiited an Island!

M: What do you mean?

J: He actually done a bowl movement right there and then. His Feces were as large as an Island and it suddenly dried up as a rock hard island, right in the middle of Nile! So the whole Umma' consisting of the men, women, children, horses, carriages and camels with all the cargo, used this island as a bridge to cross the Nile towards safety. When The Umma' of Yahud crossed the river, Prophet Moses pointed his cane at the island and ordered the island to sink in The Nile. The Island of Dried Feces sunk in the river and Egyptians couldn't cross the river to get caught up with us! This is how Moses saved our Umma'! Yahweh bless his great soul, our prophet Moses had done his greatest miracle. Now try to match that, can you Abdul?

M: That's nothing Shamoel! Let me tell you about a great miracle of Muhammad (PBUH)! It was during Battle of Khaybar. The city of Khaybar was 200 Kilometers to the North of Madinah. In spite of the pact of peace between the Muslims and the Meccans, the Jews of Khaybar remained defiant and well in to their usual intrigues. They still disallowed the Muslim trade caravans to pass through the territories of Khaybar, so that the Muslims could not develop economic ties with the northern countries. The Jews of Khaybar had enough military strength to face the Muslims unassisted by the Quraysh. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) wanted to reach an accord with the Jews of Khaybar as had been reached with the idolaters, apostates and pagans of Mecca, but the Jews were in no way prepared to extend friendship for peace. Jihad was the only solution! Ali Ibn Al Abi Talib, our Moula and The Fourth Caliph of Rashedin, screamed,

Ali: "Ya Muhammad, what shall we do? Help us to gain victory in this Battle and destroy the Koffar with the Sword of Islam! Ya Muhammad, show us the path to glory, will ya?"

J: And then what happened?

M: So Muhammad went into deep thoughts! There was a Rock-like Mountain Range on our side and there was one on their side and in the middle was a great valley deep and in between the two mountain range. We had to teach the Jews a lesson and to bring salvation to our Umma' of Muslemin. Somehow we had to cross from the top of this valley, from our side of the mountain to their side of the mountain to go to war with the Koffar Haramis.

J: So what did he do?

M: Muhammad (PBUH), pondered a bit and finally he jumped in joy thus he came up with a wise idea! He opened his robe, pulled down his pajamas and then took out his Baba Qonoush!

J: Why his Baba Qonoush?

M: Wait, I tell you all about it! So he took out his Baba Qonoush Schlong and two testicles, out of his pajamas. The site was amazing! He pumped up each of his Donbalans (Testicles) as the leverage on both sides of the pathway on the mountain top and then he stretched his Baba Qonoush (Penis) all the way from our side of the mountain to their side of the mountain! After wards our Umma' stood amazed but Prophet ordered them: "C'mon my good Muslim, cross the valley from the mountain tops using my natural Baba Qonoush Bridge!"

J: And then what?

M: So the Umma' crossed the mountain pass on Prophet's Schlong Top! The Umma' with all their camels, horses, weapons, war carriages and cargo went across the mountain over prophet's schlong and then the Muslim took this as a good omen and declared Jihad to Infidel Kaffir Jews.

J: The Jews were Kaffir?

M: Well those were bad Jews! Unlike you and your family, they troubled the Prophet (PBUH). So Muslemin had to conduct a Jihad and finally we defeated them, Islam was victorious and Muslemin opened up the trade roots for rest of the Muslim Tribes.

J: OK, wait a second, how the hell did Muslim win this battle so fast?

M: Many blessings to Prophet's Baba Qonoush, it stretched and Muslemin used it as a bridge to cross The Mountains and Valley Tops!

J: Are you taking me for a fool?

M: Why?

J: How can a Penis be stretched so much, to be used as a bridge?

M: I swear to you, it is written in Hadith! Prophet had an amazing Baba Qonoush, he had 21 wives and many concubines and he was satisfying them all!

J: Fine, but one question, let's suppose that Muhammad had a Schlong that long and that thick, but where would he stick a Schlong that long and that thick? Where would he stick it in? A Schlong that huge, where would he put it?

M: That's easy Shamoel! He would stick that huge humongous schlong in the Huge Butt Hole which Shiited an Island in the middle of the Nile! Only a Holy Bung Hole, that Huge could take and Harbor a Holy Schlong that large!

J: Sigh ...........!

* * *

Ahreeman: Boy, didn't I tell you to be careful while bending over for Namaz, thus Ahreeman will pitchfork your buns? Ahreeman does not discriminate, he fingers "All"!

Runaway Cock!

The Mullah in a small Iranian village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out at the back of the Mosque. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Thursday night the cock rooster was missing and the Mullah suspected that this was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So, he decided to do something about it at the Mosque the next morning.

At Friday Jum'a prayer, he asked the Umma', "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, No", he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the Tolab boys (Religious Study Students) stood up!

* * *

Abdul: Looki look, that's the Crescent and Star, Islamic Symbol!
She Devil: Nutty nutty boy, that's Allah the Moon God (Crescent) and Mohammed (Star), the Islamic Symbol! Next time pay more attention or I will hand you to Ahreeman to pitchfork your butt!

Modern Islamic Marriage

A "modern" Islamic couple were preparing for a religious wedding, so they met with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asked if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asked,

Man: We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.

Mullah: Absolutely not. It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.

Man: So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?

Mullah: No, It's forbidden in Islam.

Man: Well, okay, but what about sex? Can we finally have sex?

Mullah: Of course! Allah O Akbar (God is great)! Sex is OK within the marriage, to have children!

Man: What about different positions?

Mullah: Allah O Akbar! No problem.

Man: Woman on top is OK?

Mullah: Sure, Allah O Akbar. Go for it!

Man: Doggy style?

Mullah: Sure! La Ellaha Ella Allah! Allah O Akbar!

Man: On the kitchen table?

Mullah: Yes, yes! Allah O Akbar!

Man: Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather straps, whips, gags, butt plugs, a bucket of honey and a porno S&M video?

Mullah: You may indeed. Allah O Akbar!

Man: Can we do it standing up?

Mullah: No.

Man: Why not?

Mullah: Because that could lead to dancing.

Man: Sigh …..!

* * *

L. Chef Ahreeman has cooked up some delicious Ash (stew) with Nim Man Roqan (a lot of grease) on the top for you! Ahreeman always stirs it up good! Not to worry OJ, I mean Osama, just show me your real face?
R. Osama did not banish but he went underground! OJ incognito!

The Amazing Trade of Places, After 1979!

An American Reporter needed to conduct a special report on Iran, so he goes to Iran and visits a mosque. He goes to this huge mosque and sees that people are lined up at the gate! So he asks an Iranian,

Reporter: What is this line for?

Iranian: It is a food line. There is a food shortage and these people have coupons for food, so they are waiting in the line to get their ration.

R: But this is not a food bank, this is a mosque? Shouldn't people be praying here?

I: Prayer in the mosque! You must be kidding! We don't pray in the mosques! Not in Iran my man!

R: Then where do they hold the prayers? I want to see Namaz?

I: If you want to see prayers, then you must go to Tehran University.

R: This is strange! They hold the prayers in the university?! Why do they pray at the universities? What about the academic work in there? What about the intellectuals there? Where are the students, faculty and the intellectuals?

I: If you want to see our students, professors and intellectuals, then you must go to the Evin Prison. All intellectuals are in the prison.

R: This is weird! Everything is misplaced here! Intellectuals are in jail, then where are the criminals?

I: Criminals?! (he smiles) Check out the government, they are running the country!

* * *

Don't pitchfork me Ahreeman, I'm not a Pious Sister of Zeynab. I'm only a penguin!

Cowboys and Muslims

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One was an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another was a cowboy on his way to Billings, Montana for a stock show. The third passenger was a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks,

Indian: Once, my people were many... now we are few.

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,

Arab: Once my people were few (he sneers), and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is (pointing at his schlong)?

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson cowboy hat says in a drawl,

Cowboy: That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.

Indian: Sigh …….!

* * *

Disappearance of Imam Mahdi in the well
What Kind O Shiite have you just flushed down there?!

KIR Parasti

Is it a question of:
KIR (Khomeini's Islamic Republic) worship?
KIR (Prick in Persian) worship?
KIR Parasti, is it a symptom or is it a Disease?
Let's analyze,

KIR Parasti (Neo Shiite-ism Philosophy)!

A new wave in Shiite Culture!

First there was:

Arab Parastan = Arab Worshipers (Muslim)

Then came:

Khareji Parastan = Foreign Worshipers

Next came:

Tazi Parastan = Arabic Hound Dog Worshipers

and now a new term!
The beginning of a new era.....
by Admzad:

KIR Parastan = Dick Worshipers!

"KIR = Khomeini's Islamic Republic
KIR = Penis in Persian"

Hey, do not put it down,
some are

Iran Parast =Iran Worshipers
Vatan Parast = Nationalists
Arya Parast = Aryan Worshipers

So why not:

KIR Parast?

So I am thinking of a new curriculum! Maybe from next semester, Hmmmmmmmmmm:

Neo Persian "Meli Mazhabi" Phenomenon 101
Instructor: Dr. X
Text: KIR Parasti
Author: Admzad
Units: 4 credits
Language: Persian
Branch: Religion and Philosophy
Level: University Upper Division Level
Benefits: Learning Neo Islamic Culture
Information and Introduction:

A brand new Philosophical, Ideological and Religion!
A new Terminology for the same old,
Arabo-Muslim Worshiper Good Old Folks,

KIR Parastan!

the religion will be: KIR Parasti
the movement will be: KIR Parasti
the verb will be: KIR Parastidan
the believer and faithful will be: KIR Parast
the official documented religious laws following, will be: KIR Parasti-ye Shar'i
the official prayer or Namaz will be: KIR Parastesh
the follower's love for the belief will be: Eshq-e Be KIR Parasti
the hard-core militant fanatics lovers of the Neo Belief will be: KIR Dustan
the western term for the Neo Philosophy will be: KIR-ism
the minor followers and junior enthusiasts of the cult will be: KIRi (singular) or KIRis (plural)
the faithful who would like to posses the new knowledge will be: KIR Khahan

Oh boy,

What a Neo Ideology this will be!

The fine Philosophy and Neo Islamic Ideology of:

KIR Parasti

Ya Allah

* * *

Georgie Porgie Puddin Pie,
Kiss the Abdul, break his heart!
Is he a Reformist getting an erection over Khatami's Civil Society?

Adventures of Akbari and Asqari

Akbari: What do you call an Iranian who has no education, no business mind, no talent, no trade, no skills, no charisma, isn't good with money, and now can't even get it up, and on top of it all, he also reads Namaz?

Asqari: Worthless?

Akbari: No, but close! So what-choma-call-him?

Asqari: I don't know, what do you call him?

Akbari: Reza Pahlavi II

* * *

Peek a Boo,
I can see you!

Adventures of Akbari and Asqari

Akbari: What do you call an Iranian who is a Marxist but pretends to be a Muslim, who is red but wears green, who switches husbands like under-wears but religiously correct and shar'i, who is an atheist but reads Namaz?

Asqari: Con Artist?

Akbari: No, but close! So what-choma-call-her?

Asqari: I don't know, what do you call her?

Akbari: Maryam Rajavi.

* * *

Read more Nurollah X:

Humor Index

Asqari: Is that Sepah Pasdaran (Islamic Revolutionary Guards) having their heads up Imam's ass?
Akbari: No, he is only a poor guy having his head up his ass!

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