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Book of Jalq

Islamic Encyclopedia for Proper Masturbation (Book of Jalq) in 2 Volumes
Modern Islamic Sensual Guide for the Pious Muslim!
A Neo Revolutionary Move in Literature and Linguistics!
Ahreeman X
1st Edition: April 3, 2008
2nd Edition: October 2, 2016

Halaal Jalq Brand

Yet Another Ahreemanic Masterpiece from:
Dr. X's Book of Hajviyat (Divan-e Hajviyat-e Ahreeman)
The Haraam (Forbidden) and the Halaal (Recommended) of Jalq!

Book of Jalq
Volume One: Terminology of Jalq
Volume Two: Methods of Jalq

Warning: R Rated

This is indeed a Neo Revolutionary Move in Literature and Linguistics! This piece is R rated (ages 13 and up). Young readers, pre teens (10-12) please read with parental advice, and children (0-9) please cover your eyes and stop reading IPC, now! What the hell are you doing here reading IPC anyway?! You should be playing "Pasdars and Students" (Pasdars smashing the protesting students' heads with Chomaq or Club) at this age! Damn kids these days!

If you are not a person who speaks Persian and is also a bit familiar with the guttery (barf-like) beautiful language of Arabic, then you will not understand this piece! What to do, you ask? You damn Foreigners, must go and learn Persian! That's what you do! The nerves of some people!

This piece is written in Arabic Rooted Persian Terms! You see, we have many Arabic rooted Persian words in the Persian language, which even Arabs don’t understand them! This is because originally we had borrowed these Arabic words, yet twisted them around and created rather some abominations, which neither Arabs comprehend, nor today’s Persian youth in inxile and specifically in exile does understand. Now to glorify this art (creating Arabic rooted Persian terms), which Mullahs love the most, I have decided to go all way and mix these two arts:

a) Creating Arabic rooted Persian terms
b) Creating a Graphic Sensual Encyclopedia

together and give birth to a revolutionary document. I mean, if IRI wants to Frag the Persian language, then why not go all the way? Let’s expand on it and document this art! This will be a Neo Movement in the Persian Literature!

Warning Two
But if you in fact understand this piece, then please prepare extra clean shorts and panties (before reading), thus you may Roll On The Floor Laughing while pissing your under garments!

Now folks,
Let's travel through this magnificent language and take a trip through The Linguistic world! Shall we?!

Chef Ahreeman is now serving dinner
Chef Ahreeman has been busy for hours in the kitchen,
creating this special stew for yous. Bon appetite!


Islamic Encyclopedia for Proper Masturbation (Book of Jalq)
Neo Arabo-Islamic Grammar-Verb Conjugations, Terminology and Methods
(Riot, Killer)

Halaal (Recommended) and Haraam (Forbidden) of Jalq

Always remember that if you do the Jalq correctly (as taught in the Book of Jalq) with pure spiritual and love for Allah in mind, then the Jalq will be Halaal; however, if you do the Jalq wrongly (not according to the Book of Jalq) and without the pure spiritual intentions and love for Allah, then the Jalq will be Haraam, thus Allah only blesses the pure spiritual Jalq. Be aware that Allah is extremely passionate!


Book of Jalq
Volume One: Terminology of Jalq
Volume Two: Methods of Jalq

Book of Jalq!
Volume One: Terminology of Jalq
(Terminology of Holy Islamic Masturbation)

Verb Conjugation of Jalq (Masturbation)
Sarf o Nahv of Jalq

Jalq = Halaal (religiously recommended) Islamic Masturbation
Ex1: Do not Jalq too much, thus you may go blind!
Ex2: Too much jalq can make you bald, blind and nerve damaged in one hand!

Jalq-gir = The situation when someone interrupts your jalq, right before climax and you simply can't explode with desires (a very frustrating situation), getting caught in the act!

Jalqi (1) = One who Jalqs a lot!
Ex: That damn little Jalqi boy!

Jalqi (2) = A pilgrim to Qom or Qazvin who had done the holy jalq there, same as Haji (pilgrim to Mecca), Karbalai AKA Ka'bi (pilgrim to Karbala), Mashhadi AKA Mashti (pilgrim to Mashhad)
Ex1: Jalqi, happy Jalq (pilgrimage to Qom or Qazvin)
Ex2: Jalqi, Jalq qabul (same as "Ziyarat qabul"), bless you and may your masturbation in Qom and Qazvin (pilgrimage) be blessed!

Jaq = to the rhyme of haj, Pilgrimage to Qom or Qazvin, short for Jalq (masturbation)
Ex: This year you must go to Imamzadeh (holy Shiite shrine) of Qazvin for Jaq!

Jaaleq = The Active "Doer" person who does The Jalqing (Subject AKA Fa'el)
Ex: Abdollah is a great Jaaleq!

Maljuq (1) = The passive "Do-ee" person whom The Jalq is being done on or over him/her (Object AKA Maf'ul), Maljuq is by the rhyme of Ma'shuq (lover)!
Ex1: Robabeh is Abdollah's maljuq but facials are out of the question!
Ex2: Sakineh, would you become my Maljuq?

Maljuq (2) = climaxed and orgasmed, the after jalq feeling!
Ex: Razl-ollah had become maljuq.

Joloq = Same as Jonob, post climatic period.
Ex: I have become joloq (Joloq shodam)!

Jo'allaq = A superficial, useless and lampoon person as a side effect of too much jalq!
Ex: Sourat is such a jo'allaq!

Jolaaq = Plural for jaaleq (singular)
Ex: Every year Jolaaq go for the pilgrimage to Qom and Qazvin!

Jaaleqin = A Gang of Jaaleq
Ex: Jaaleqin are holding a Gang Jalq in Husseiniyeh Ershad monument!

Jaqaab = Juices of Jalq!
Ex: Oh no, Oooh don't stop Hassan-Ali, my Jaqaab is about to flow!

Jalqak = same as Dalqak, a masturbating clown!
Ex: You are such a Jalqak!

Jalqiyyaat (1) = The subject which Jalq has been based on it/her, (Suzhe-ye Jalq)
Ex: Abdollah is using "Islamic Woman Today" magazine as jalqiyyaat!

Jalqiyyaat (2) = Studies and courses in jalq.
Ex: My favorite subject in the university was Jalqiyyaat!

Jalaaq = A professional masturbator or Jaaleq (such as Jalaad = a professional killer)
Ex: Abdollah is a Master-bator and a grand jalaaq! In simple terms, he jalqs a lot!

Eltejaaq = A therapeutic Jalq which can be done solo or duo!
Ex: Let's do an Eltejaq, its good for the soul!

Jalaq = Deep Arabic version of Jalq
Ex: Boy, don't jalaq during the Haj (pilgrimage)!

Jalaq al Jama'a = Group Jalq, same as Salath al Jama'a (group Islamic prayer).
Ex: Muslemin have gathered in the mosque for a session of Salath al Jama'a as the Antre and a session of Jalaq al Jama'a as the dessert.

Molajaq = Enlightened by jalq, someone who has seen the light through jalq!
Ex: Dozd-Ali had become molajaq!

Jalqon Talqon = Same as Ma'lum O Majhul (a religious study subject of Known and Unknown) in school of Islamic Theology, a course in Jalq and jalqiyyaat!
Ex: Have you studied your jalqon talqon for tomorrow's hand on exam?

Jalqiyoun = A group or a cult with devout belief in fundamentals of Jalq!
Ex: Jalqiyoun are having a meeting at the back-room of the mosque!

Eljaaq = The true fundamental of Jalq, The Final Spiritual State of Jalq!
Ex: I have to reach the level of Eljaaq, such as Osama Bin Laden in caves of Tora Bora!

Moltajeq = Same as Mojtahed, a master cleric in Jalq studies!
Ex: Ayatollah Yazdi have gotten his turban and now he is a Moltajeq!

Jaliq = A Master of Jalq, same as the level of Ayatollah in Shiite Islam!
Ex: Hojatol Eslam Khatami is a Jaliq.

Jaliq ol Jolaqaa = A Grand Master in Jalq, same as the level of Ayatollah al Udama (Grand Ayatollah) in Shiite Islam!
Ex: Ayatollah Shahrudi is Jaliq ol Jolaqaa of Karbala!

Jolqiyyaat = Same as Joz'iyyaat, specifics of Jalq.
Ex: Give me all the details and jolqiyyaat of last night?

Jolqak = An amateur Jalqi, a beginner Jalqi
Ex: Oy Beche, ohoy Jolqak, you still don't have any hair on your face but you insist on Jalqing?!

Jalqolab = Same as An-Qolab (Shiite Enqelab), a Revolution in jalq!
Ex: We must commit to a True Jalqolab!

Jilaq = Same as Jihad, A Jihad (Holy War) yet declared via Jalq and by Shambool!
Ex: Fatwa, Fatwa ......., beware brothers, Imam has ordered a Jilaq!

Motejaleq = Same as Moteqaleb, one who pretends to jalq but in reality he/she fakes it!
Ex: Malihe, you are such a motejaleq, all of those screams ............, did you maljuq or have you faked it?!

Jaqul = Baby Jalqer, a new bee in the art of jalq, a new cummer!
Ex: Kur-Oqli is a jaqul.

Jalqollah = Same as Abdollah, an Islamic male name for one who is very close to Allah (a true believer), Jalq of Allah (Masturbation of Allah)!
Ex: Jalqollah, c'mon boy, bring a dry towel (Khoshk biyar)!

Jaaleqeh = Same as Faeqeh, an Islamic female name for one who is very close to Allah (a true believer), a female masturbator (Tabaq Zan)! *
Ex: Jaaleqeh, I am very maljuq from meeting your acquaintance!

* Note:
Tabaq = (1) A large and flat at the bottom pot, which women can cook in it for the large parties or turn it around and bang on it as a musical instrument, in the female parties. (2) Female Privates (similar to Tabaq).
Tabaq Zani = Female Masturbation, Tapping on Tabaq
Tabaq Zan = Female Masturbator, Tabaq Tapper


Book of Jalq!
Volume Two: Methods of Jalq
(Methods of Holy Islamic Masturbation)

Styles of Jalq (Styles of Holy Islamic Masturbation)
Guided Islamic Holy Masturbation Types

Jalq-e Tajasomi (Virtual Masturbation)
With the use of visualization
Ex: Visualizing a holographic hologram of Hazrat-e (Saint) Ayisha (Prophet Mohammed’s 6 year old child bride), of course when she became 18 (legal by the western laws), while furiously and firmly masturbating to the bone!

Jalq-e Takhayoli (Imaginary Masturbation)
With the use of imagination
Ex: Imagining Massoumeh Ebtebar (Ex Vice President) naked!

Jalq-e Sam’i (Audio Masturbation)
With the use of audio
Ex: For instance with Donna Summer songs! Of course only after reading a verse from Quran!

Jalq-e Basari (Visual Masturbation)
With watching Internet porn or Sexy DVDs
Ex: While watching the latest bootleg Islamic Gang Bang film staring Ahmadinejad and Imam Khamenei (if you have the stomach for it)!

Jalq-e Sam’i va Basari (Audio-Visual Masturbation)
With the usage of sound and vision
Ex: Committing holy Jalq via listening to a Donna Summer song, while watching Massoumeh Ebtekar, chador-less!

Jalq-e Pusti (Skin Sensitive Masturbation)
With holding the sensitive skin around the genitalia in between two fingers and rubbing it!
Ex: Lift up your Moameleh and check out the sensitive skin under the helmet. If the Helemt looks like the Nazi Helmets from World War II, then go lower and …..

Jalq-e Kaboby (Kabob Style Masturbation)
With the thought of making Kabob Kubideh in mind!
Ex: Hold on tight to your Moameleh with your fist and then two fingers as scissors, going back and forth like you are preparing Kabob Kubideh for dinner and …

Jalq-e Ruhi (Spiritual Masturbation)
With the usage of healthy mental and spiritual state
Ex: Getting closer to God by masturbation via picturing mental images of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, Ali, Hussein, Mahdi, Imam Khomeini and …

Jalq-e Zendeh (Live Masturbation)
With the usage of live elements
Ex: Action pact masturbation using a live male or female subject as the Suzhe (actual object) and the tool of desire to climax and explode love juices over them and …

Jalq-e Savab-dar (Religiously Beneficial Masturbation)
With the thought of rewards in afterlife n mind
Ex: Doing the masturbation in this life, so you will earn the benefits in afterlife, either in Heavens or the other place …

Jalq-e Rudeh (Intestinal Masturbation)
With intense effects felt as deep as your intestine!
Ex: An explosion of Islamically Halaal and Religiously Recommended Masturbation climax, orgasm and juice flows so intense, which its side effect would be deep intestinal pains in your gut! Also the masturbation format is similar to the intestinal moves crawling like a snake!

Jalq-e Kotaki (Brutal Masturbation)
With assault and battery of the private parts (S&M Ashura Special)
Ex: Spanking, slapping and beating your privates in to erection, joys and explosions!

Jalq-e Bulldozer (The Bulldozer Masturbation)
With extreme prejudice against emotions, this is pure mechanical and the ultimate S&M version of Jalq-e Kotaki!
Ex: Prepare the Jet Turbo joy tool, the jack hammer, the Black & Decker electric drill (with no lubrications), the live piranhas and …

Jalq-e Moteharek (Animated Masturbation)
With the use of animation
Ex: Watching cartoons wither sexy Japanese Anime or Tom and Jerry (as you desire), while moving your tools in an animated format and …

Jalq-e Bi Dast (Hand-Free Masturbation)
With absolute mental powers and no physical touch
Ex: Sitting in a chair and in front of the naked object (male or female also sitting on a chair) and reaching the desired Islamic state of climatic spirituality and orgasm, without touching yourself, yet with total mental concentration on the object’s body and …

Jalq-e Ehsasi (Emotional Masturbation)
With sensitivity in mind (recommended to Bleeding Heart Liberals)
Ex: Reaching your orgasmic goal with outmost sensitivity and touchy feely-ness, while having extreme convictions about socio-liberal agendas and visualizing Teddy Kennedy and/or Jane Fonda’s face and Social Justice at the same time, before climax and …
If you’r beef is not Teddy or Jane, then you can visual image one or more of the bellow:

a) Senator Frankenstein (Dianne Feinstein)
b) Congresswoman Dayus (Susan Davis)
c) Senator Ass Hole (Tom Daschle)
d) Speaker Necro Pussy (Nancy Pelosi)
e) Senator Kiri (John Kerry)
f) Senator Baba Boxer (Barbara Boxer)
g) Senator Rotten Clitoris (Hillary Rodham Clinton)

Or even Barbara Streisand’s nose or ….

For more creative and alternative terms, visit:

Persian Slangs: Iranian Dictionary of IPC Alternative Terms

And always remember that,
Allah is passionate and merciful. Allah bless you all

The Ahreemanic Riot has ended!
Ya Allah

OK Boils and Ghouls,
Time for good old doctor to go bye byes ..........
Until our next lesson,
Please do not do what I do and try to behave!

Your Family Doctor

Ahreeman Mirza Qajar

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