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Men and Women
Compiled by Pantea Golzari


Red Apple Panti presents …

Hello, have a super day all you smiley people! Let's start ...

Math for Men and Women and ... : )

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -before marriage and after marriage.

ATM Instructions! ; -)

HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Hail to the Chief : -)

Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security,
while you are being screwed?
* * * * *

Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation.
They added the 11th commandment ....
"Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."
* * * * *

Bill Gates is in town (New York) showing all the computer executives how well Windows 98 works. But computer executives say that Windows 98 goes down so much they are thinking about renaming it MONICA 98
* * * * *

During Clinton years, It seemed that the big new game to play at the White House was SWALLOW THE LEADER!
* * * * *

In Kennedy's time we had Camelot.
In Clinton's we have CAME-A-LOT.
* * * * *

Arkansas is very proud of Clinton.
All these women coming forward,
and not one of them is his sister!
* * * * *

Q. What is the difference
between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

A. Washington couldn't tell a lie,
Nixon couldn't tell the truth,
and Clinton doesn't know the difference!
* * * * *

President Clinton has decided to recruit interns from only four colleges:

Morehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
* * * * *

The FBI has coined a technical term
for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Predickture"
* * * * *

Curious Boy! : -)~

The little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping Sound coming from his parent's room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his Stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

Looking confused, the boy says, "Well, that won't work, the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

The Gynecologist! : )

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman:
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says,
"you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman,
"you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor.
He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her.
"Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

Men!

Men are like...Blenders...You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like...Coffee...The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like...Commercials...You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like...Computers.... Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like.... Coolers.... Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like...High heels...They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like...Horoscopes...They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like...Lava lamps.... Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like...Parking spots.... The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small. :-P

Men are like...Snow storms...You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.

Men are like...Bank Machines.... Once they withdraw, they lose interest.

Men are like.... Newborn babies...They're cute at first, but eventually you get tired of their crap.

Men are like... Laxatives...They irritate the shit out of you.

Medicare Coverage

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Q & A

Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A Hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.


Have a Great Day …

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