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Reformist, Moderate and Fundamentalist!
How’s Life Under Each IRI Fraction?
Nurollah X Series

Ahreeman X
August 30, 2008

Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X

Khatami, Rafsanjani and Ahmadinejad in the same photo!
L – R bottom: Rafsanjani, Meshkini (now dead bastards)
L – R Top: Ahmadinejad, Shahrudi, Khatami

Start of Sermon

Picture a Reformist, a Moderate and a Fundamentalist Islamic Republic of Iran! You have experienced all 3 types in the past! Can you picture how the people would live their everyday lives under each of these 3 different regimes?

Now imagine that for the next election one of these three situations will occur:

Khatami will become the president.
Rafsanjani will become the president.
Ahmadinejad will become the president.

Now hypothetically in each situation what will happen if …

Each candidate wins the election?

Khatami will throw a reformist party, get a new reformist smile and slogan, serve Qormeh Sabzi to the guests and charge it to the office of presidency’s miscellaneous expenditure!
Rafsanjani will throw a Kar Gozaran bash, buy a new Mercedes Benz limousine and serve Champaign, Caviar and Senatori Opium to the guests!
Ahmadinejad will throw a Ya Hussein Sineh Zani (Mourning and Chest Banging Session) with a top Basiji MC Aza-rapping. He finally allows his wife to buy him a new pair of shoes and while tucking in the backs of the new shoes and wearing them like Na’leyns (Islamic Style), he will serve people Halva (Funeral Sweet Paste)!


What if the presidential automobile gets stuck in a narrow alley next to a wall?

Khatami will sit in the car for 4 years until the new driver arrives and takes away the car!
Rafsanjani will climb the straight wall and continues business as usual!
Ahamdinejad will explode the car to destroy the wall and then he will crawl to Mo’talefeh headquarter to get informed about Mahdi’s opinion on the issue from across the invisible universe!


President is supposed to attend the United Nation’s Annual Meeting…

Khatami enters the UN with a big smiling face and while shaking hands with the western leaders and representatives, he sneaks to the bathroom and skips the meeting from the back door. Once he gets back to Tehran, he denies everything, even his presence in the UN!
Rafsanjani due to severe headache, cancels his trip and sends Seyed Sadeq Kharrazi in his
place to the UN for a patch job!

Ahmadinejad on his way to UN, while stopping in Paris, gets arrested by the French Police and the Homeland Security for his 30 years and ongoing association with hostage takers, terrorists and Hezbollah! They take him to jail and IRI throws another sham election to erect another sham president!


What should one do to open a production factory in Iran?

Khatami: First he opens a Reformist newspaper and creates a lot of empty noise and publicity, so he will become politically powerful; therefore, down the road they will eventually hand him the proper certificate and license to open the factory!
Rafsanjani: He will marry the ugly daughter of a high ranking “Kar Gozaran” technocrat, so he will get to run and inherit one of the father in law’s factories!
Ahmadinejad: First he will grow a beard, then he will open a Husseiniyeh Islamic Center, third he
will not wash his clothes for a month to look real “Maktabi” and “Islamic”, forth he goes to the city hall (smelly, dirty and filthy, Islamic style), but he goes to the Mashhad City Hall (in east Iran) to get the certificate and license to open a factory in Sanandaj (in west Iran)! By the time he gets to Sanandaj, Kurdistan, he will notice that situation in Kurdistan is hairy and a lot of protests are occurring on weekly basis, so he join the Basij to help suppress the protests and he ends up making 4 times the money that he would ever make from the factory! After a month in Basij Militia, he forgets about the factory! The hell with the factory.


How does a female student goes to her class?

Khatami: Her boyfriend will pick her up and they both go to the demonstration instead of the class!
Rafsanjani: Her boyfriend will pick her up and after a quickie at his home, he will drop her at the school to study religious studies!
Ahmadinejad: She will wear her black chador, walk the segregated female sidewalk, waits half an hour for the female only microbus, and by the time she reaches the university, she will notice that the university has turned to Husseiniyeh Ershad Holy Islamic Center!


What does a young boy do to cross the street?

Khatami: He waits for the pedestrian light to turn green; however, the pedestrian light remains red forever so he jumps the street, a car hits him and he ends up flat on his back in the middle of the street! Basij takes him away to ……
Rafsanjani: He pays the car owners to stop and allow him to cross the street (the old fashion way)!
Ahmadinejad: Due to the not moving and heavy traffic, he criss crosses in between the cars and reaches other side of the street, but as soon as he gets there, he will get beaten up by the undercover police and Basij for being a young boy in Islamic Republic of Iran!


How will the Iran – Germany Soccer Game will be conducted in the Wrold Cup?

Khatami: The game will be conducted and Iran will lose to Germany but the people will party and dance in the streets until morning!
Rafsanjani: They will bribe the referee to be on Iran’s side but the Shiite will hit the fan, the scandal breaks out and finally Iran will lose to Germany by the score of 2 to 0, yet people will still party in the streets until the morning!
Ahmadinejad: Government in secret tells the national soccer team that if they win the game, they will all get arrested and go to Evin as political prisoners, so Iran will lose the game to Germany by the score of 6 to 0! People will still rush the streets for a national mourning and crying rally but they end up getting beaten up by the undercover police, VEVAK, Basij and Ansar Hezbollah!


How do two people conduct a phone conversation?

Khatami: Hello, is your headache better?
Rafsanjani: Hello, is your migraine headache better?
Ahmadinejad: Hello, are you still alive?


How do youth throw a party?

Khatami: They throw an X Party in 2 separate sessions: one for females and one for males but eventually everyone sneaks in to other gender’s session!
Rafsanjani: They throw a mix gender Pajama party with Kabobs, opium and vodka but they obey the proper Islamic dress code!
Ahmadinejad: They throw a Ya Hussein party with Rowzeh (Rap Mourning) and Sineh Zani (Chest Banging). Even Ahmadinejad may drop by for a quick chest banging to the beat of the Ya Hussein Aza party’s new MC Rapper!


How do people go to the park?

Khatami: They go to the park and they assume that they are living in a civilized country and they are having fun!
Rafsanjani: They go to their family’s fruit gardens outside the town and check out the outdoor opium dens and vodka bashes!
Ahmadinejad: Women sneak in to men’s park and men sneak in to women’s park, and drug dealers distribute hashish and weed in both parks!


How does a woman dress to go outside the house?

Khatami: Short Mantou overcoat, tight jeans with colorful headscarf!
Rafsanjani: Long Mantou trench coat with dark headscarf but miniskirt and tank top underneath!
Ahmadinejad: Hefty Maqana’a total headgear, head to toe in black clothes and a thick black chador on top it all!


How often do people bathe?

Khatami: Once a week but they try to cover the smell with Mashhadi RoseWater!
Rafsanjani: Once a day and in addition they use deodorants and fragrance perfumes!
Ahmadinejad: They bathe only on occasions and national holidays!


What do people have for dinner?

Khatami: Islamic Democracy Diet Yellow Cake!
Rafsanjani: Halaal Roast Pork and Halaal Champaign!
Ahmadinejad: Sangak flat bread and feta cheese because nothing else is affordable!


How and with whom do young men have sex?

Khatami: Temporary Marriage (Siqeh) with the neighbor’s girl only after reading the proper verse from Quran!
Rafsanjani: With one of the 4 permanent wives per night in Victoria’s Secret’s lingerie!
Ahmadinejad: Allowed only with Sisters of Zeynab in full hejab (with reading the Siqeh verse before sex) or your wife in full black chador (without reading anything before sex). Hejab must be worn at all times even during the intercourse. A 45 minutes Qosl (Islamically Proper Shower) and reciting a few chapters of Quran after Jenabat (Islamic Sex) is mandatory or else you may get arrested by Ansar-e Hezbollah!


What types of sex will people have under each administration?

Khatami: Oral Sex, because Reformists are all talk!
Rafsanjani: Intercourse, because Kar Gozaran loves to unwind!
Ahmadinejad: Anal Sex, because that’s all they know after they all been screwed deep and hard by Ahmadinejad for the second term!


Allah bless you All!


Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X

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