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Nurollah and Media
Nurollah X Series
Ahreeman X
February 26, 2009

Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X

Nurollah is now entering the Mosque, ...... Takbir .......

Allah o masala ala Mohammad, va aleh Mohammad ..

Before we begin the lecture (Va’z), we do a little bit o mourning (Aza), Ashura style. In other words, before we begin the Mull-Shiite (Mullah Shiite), we shall recite some Bull-Shiite:

Everyone bang on your heads sand chests,
Men, bang chains on your backs,
Women, bang hands on your Meme (Tities) …
mourn along, dam begirin ….

La Elaha Ella Allah …

La Elaha Ella Allah, Allah Allah, Allah …

Oh they killed Hussein

Khak be saram, khak be saram

They even cut off his shambool and fed it to the dog, but even the dog wouldn’t eat it!

Khak be saram khak be saram

Oh they slaughtered Hussein

Khak be saram khak be saram

Oh they banged Hussein

Khak be saram khak be saram

Ay Hussein ro koshtan

Khak be saram khak be saram

Vay Hussein ro kardan

Khak be saram khak be saram

Dul-e Hussein ro boridan

Khak be saram khak be saram

Now that we feel much better after the mourning, we will answer some questions from the media.

Media has always been taking my words out of the context and causing me bad publicity, so I have decided to now directly comment on media’s words! Media has been doing commentaries on my words so why not me commenting on the media’s words? Fair is fair. Let me do come commentaries and respond to some questions. Let us begin:

Media: At 1979 each 1 US $ = 7 Iranian Tuman, but today each 1 US $ = 1000 Iranian Tuman. That is 73 % Growth on depreciating value of the Iranian Tuman. Now forget about Rial because each 1 Iranian Tuman = 10 Iranian Rial! Rial is worthless.
X: And they say there has been no economic growth and progress in Iran since 1979! Numbers don’t lie! Here is the proof that thanks to Islam, IRI had caused Growth in Iran! Not just 1 % but 73 % Growth. Allah is Generous!

Media: At 1979, Iranian Political Prisoners = 3000, but today, Iranian Political Prisoners > 30,000.
X: What have I told you? It’s all about Growth. IRI is pro Growth and Progress! Numbers don’t lie! Only 3000 then, but over 30,000 now! This is called Growth!

Media: In 1979, husband had 1 job to feed the family and the wife didn’t even have to work. Today, husband and wife have 2 to 3 jobs each but still can’t feed the family!
X: It is very simple. Today’s Iranians eat more than yesterday; therefore, they need to make more money to feed themselves. More Jobs = More Growth and Progress. Baba jan, 2 + 2 = 4. Didn’t I tell you IRI is all about Growth and Progress?!

Media: In 1979 prostitutes were consisted to a small number of professional hookers in Tehran’s Red Lamp District at Downtown Tehran known as “Shahr-e Now” (New Town), but today there are 8 million full time prostitutes, 8 million part time prostitutes, 8 million seasonal prostitutes (Tak Parun), 8 million … and they are all over the country! In addition we have been exporting prostitutes to South of Persian Gulf Arab countries and ……
X: Again, this is further proof of the Islamic Success in Iran. Islamic Economy is growing; therefore, the need for Islamic Halaal Sex is also growing and that’s why there has been a population Growth in the numbers of Siqeh (Temporary Marriage). And I assure you that there exists no prostitution in Iran, but only Siqeh (Temporary Marriage) which is Halaal and Islamically Correct!

Media: In 1979 there were about 3 million drug addicts in Iran, but today there are 20 million official addicts, 8 million unofficial addicts, 6 million random addicts, 4 million …. And the numbers are growing.
X: Islamic Economy in the Islamic Iran had caused Population Growth. In 1979 we had 35 million population but today we have 70 million population. There happened population, social and economic growth. People work harder so they need to relax more. What’s wrong with a little Recreational Taryak (Opium) or Hashish usage? This is medically recommended and even Imam Khamenei is a participant! This is far from drug use!

Media: In 1979 women had a choice to wear or not to wear hejab. Today, hejab is mandatory in Iran.
X: Choice is not always a good thing! Choice is popular in Western Corrupted Democracies. In Islam, choice is only for Imam (Velayat-e Faqih) who is the Supreme Spiritual Leader. Imam will choose what is good and what is bad for the Umma’ (Muslim Population). The Umma’ the same as obedient cattle will follow Imam as Marja-e Taqlid. Imam knows best. A good Shiite Muslim follows without questions or choice!

Media: Iranians are very hospitable towards guests. That’s why on 1979 they opened their arms wide to Imam Khomeini who entered Iran from France.
X: Arms weren’t the only things which Iranians opened wide to Imam Khomeini. They also bent over, stretched their bunions, gapped their holes and opened wide for Imam to bless them!

Media: Yes, Iranians are very hospitable towards guests, that’s why there is a famous Persian Expression which says: “Guests are very dear to God” (Mehmun habib-e Khodast.).
X: Then why the son of a bitch doesn’t come down from the Heaven and entertains his own guests? Frankly I am tired of entertaining all these freeloading bastards on Persian New Year, 13 Be Dar, Yalda, Christmas, Western New Year, Thanksgiving, Easter, Ramadan, Fetr, and other occasions?!

Media: They say people who stay at your home through the weekend are Mehmun (guests) …
X: But if they stay more than 2 days, then they become Mikh-e Kun (Ass Spike)!

Media: In the 80s, why did Muslim Students took 52 American diplomats and embassy crew in Tehran as hostages for 444 days?
X: Because Iranians are hospitable! Don’t you know that?!

Media: But what type of students would take hostages rather than study?
X: The same type of students who would pray in the universities rather than mosques!

Media: But why would students take hostages?
X: Because hostage taking is more exciting than studying boring Islamic curriculum!

Media: US Government is all about Checks and Balances, how about the Iranian Government?
X: IRI is all about Chaos and Deficit!

Media: The whole world is in economical recession, then how come Iran is not affected by it?
X: Because Iran has been in economical chaos for 30 years now! Nothing new for Iranians!

Media: Iran is one of the main global oil producing countries, then how come she imports gasoline from Libya?
X: Because rather than building more refineries, government is occupied with getting nuclear!

Media: But Iran already has 10 refineries, at Shah’s time we only had one in Abadan?
X: For Allah’s sake at Shah’s time we had 35 million population but today we have 70 million population and our industrial needs are 6 times more than then! What’s wrong with you? Do you have Shiite for brains?!

Media: In Iran we are moving too fast towards westernization. We need something to hold us back, what can it be?
X: Not to worry, Islam will keep us not just back but backward all the way to the cavemen era! Sweet Islam guarantees that an Islamic society will remain in to the primitive and barbaric period forever!

Media: What is your opinion about Hejab?
X: Hejab is delightful as long as women wear miniskirts underneath them!

Media: Why the Islamic World has fallen behind the west?
X: It is not their fault that they are backward, fanatical and with limited intellects. It is the rags on their heads!

Media: What do you mean, rags on their heads?
X: All of these rags, such as turbans, scarves and chador avoid the brain to breathe oxygen. When oxygen doesn’t reach the brain and the sunlight doesn’t shine on the brain, then Muslim become ignorant, backward and fanatical! It’s all in the rags!

Media: Why Middle Easterners have not developed technologically?
X: They don’t have time to develop. They must close shops and businesses between 3 (Shiite) to 5 (Sunni) times a day and stop business and everything to pray! No time for technological development!

Media: With all the money and facilities, why many Arabs still smell like camels?
X: Desert is hot and people get sweaty. Women must wear heavy black hejab and men must not shave and they must also cover themselves with long white dresses! With all these regulations and dress codes, it is surely hard to take daily showers, shave and use deodorants. You can take the Arabs out of the desert but you can’t take the camels out of the Arabs!

Media: That was so politically incorrect! Have you no shame?
X: Screw political correctness, I am talking reality!

Media: Which pious Muslim women are close and dear to Allah?
X: Those who are naked under the chador and do not eat heavenly garlic! Allah and clerics enjoy naked bodies without the heavenly garlic breath!  

Media: How can we tell that Arba’in-e Hussein-i (Ashura) Holy Season is here?
X: You will hear a bunch of Qater (mule) shouting Ar Ar Ar …in the streets while banging on their heads and chests, running around mourning for some Arab (Hussein) who died 1200 years ago!

Media: What type of Seyed (descendant of Prophet Mohammed) are you?
X: Seyed of Shemr-i and Yazid-i (those who killed Hussein)!

Media: If you are a seyed, then why do you wear red instead of green?
X: Because I am seyed of Shemr-i and I love bloodshed!

Media: Do you always wear white turban? Because Seyeds wear black turbans!
X: No not always. On holy season of Arba’in (Moharam) I wear Red Turban!

Media: Why red?
X: Red is the color of Shemr and Yazid!

Media: Why many Iranians practice Lavat (Islamic Anal Sex)?
X: Because they couldn’t find any other holes to stick their Moameleh in there!

Media: Muslim Clerics (Ayatollahs and Hojatol Eslams) often practice Lavat with Tolab (Religious Studies Students), then why do they forbid homosexuality for civilians?
X: Because their bangarooni is Halaal (Islamically correct) but people’s bangarooni for the kunis are Haraam (Islamically incorrect)!

Media: Why so many Tolab (Religious Studies Students) are gay?
X: Because they recite too much Quran.

Media: What does reading Quran have to do with becoming gay?
X: You must recite Quran in Arabic. Reciting Arabic requires making a lot of guttery sounds. Making a lot of guttery sounds causes pressure on the rectum. Much pressure on the rectum makes it itch and therefore the rectum starts singing: Bud Bud, Bud Budak …. And then it stretches wide and it requires a Big Schlong to plug it and …… the rest is history ….

Media: Why Ayatollahs’ Gayshess is Halaal but people’s Gayshess is Haraam?
X: Because you need to study in Madrasah and Mosque for many years to truly learn how to bang butt and be banged properly!

Media: Is this Islamic double standard?
X: Not at all, this is only Islamic Bedeh Bestun (trade) of Kun (butts)!

Media: Are you insulting Islam?
X: Allah foirbid, who am I to insult Islam when the whole world insults Islam?!

Media: Why Muslim can’t read Quran?
X: Muslim don’t read anything, they just obey and follow the Imam! Reading requires brain!

Media: Why don’t Muslim read Quran?
X: Because if they do, then they stop being Muslim!

Media: Why aren’t Muslim encouraged to read Quran?
X: Because they are preferred to listen only to Mullahs interpretation of the Quran!

Media: Which fish are Halaal and which are Haraam to eat?
X: In this day and age of inflation, any fish you can get your hands on is Halaal. River, sea doesn’t matter, just grab it and eat it and prays Allah!

Media: Why Transsexuality is Halaal but Homosexuality is Haraam in Islam?
X: Because Mullahs prefer Chicks with Dicks!

Media: Why Iran is transsexual heaven and transsexuals from around the world come to Iran for sex change operations?
X: Because government pays for it!

Media: Why government pays for it?
X: Because Imam Khomeini said so. Imam Khomeini was found of bangarooni. The older Imam Khomeini used to always put a dress and a wig on the younger Imam Khamenei and bang him furiously! This is how Khamenei inherited the position of Velayat-e Faqih (Supreme Spiritual Leader) from Khomeini!

Media: Are you saying that Homosexuality is rewarding?
X: Not just that, but it is also Spiritual!

Media: Why Islamic government encourages more migration of Transsexuals to Iran?
X: So there’ll be more Chicks with Dicks for the Mullahs!

 Media: Are you insinuating that Islamic Clerics are gay?
X: Not at all, they just love to bang each other in the butts!

Media: Where did this behavior come from?
X: Mohammed and Ali.

Media: Are you insinuating that the Prophet and the first Imam were gay?
X: Not at all, they just loved a little Kun Kunak and fingering!

Media: You blasphemer, you are reciting Kofr, shame on you?
X: Prophet, Imam, Spiritual Leader, Ayatollahs and Tolab bang each other’s butts, but shame on me?!

Media: What is the Islamic Economy’s answer to recession?
X: The harder the conditions, the more Muslims will migrate to Europe and Americas, so we have to feed less people in Islamic countries. It will all balance out and economy will get better and recover!

Media: What does more Muslim migrants to the west means?
X: More soldiers of Islam for future Jihad in infidel nations!

Media: What does less Muslim population in Islamic nations means?
X: Less hungry people to feed, less trouble makers, less riots and better economy!

Media: So Muslim migration to the west is good?
X: Yes, we hit two birds with one stone. We get rid of internal trouble and turmoil, also we destroy the west!

Media: Are westerners too stupid to see this?
X: No, they are too brotherly loved and bleeding heart liberals to go against it!

Media: So this is how you screw the west?
X: Oh we always have our Halaal Schlong up to our balls in Western butts; I’m now getting a woody just thinking about it!

Media: What is the meaning of life in Islam?
X: Belly and Under the Belly!

Media: Is that all there is to Islam?
X: No, there are also some beard, mustache, chador, reciting Quran with Arabic accent, smelly feet, smelly armpits, month old cheese body odor and few other minor Bull Shiite …

Media: Why Muslim are twofaced and lead a double life?
X: They take after the prophet!

Media: How would you describe Islam in one sentence?
X: Goh o Gand o Kesafat (Shiite, Feces and Dirt)!

Media: Everywhere that Islam went, it brought a present to the people, what was that present?
X: Death, Disease, Theft, Rape, Injustice, Fanaticism, Backward Mentality, Superstition, Lies …

Media: Stop it, I only asked for one present?
X: I can’t help it, Islam is so fruitful!

Media: They say you are so harsh, rude and nasty …
X: In other words I speak the truth! Correct?

Media: Why don’t you speak of good things and positive things?
X: You mean I need to do more Bull Shiite and Mull Shiite? Should I put more Shiite on Shingles?

Media: But Iranians need hope for the future …
X: Then I suggest they get off their asses and revolt against the Mullahs!

Media: Why did the chicken cross the road?
X: Because he saw the Mullah is chasing him with a knife and a fork!

Media: Where do you stand on education?
X: Outside Iran!

Media: Where do you stand on Corruption?
X: Inside Iran!

Media: Why is it that lately more Iranians are burning Qurans?
X: Heating oil, gas and firewood are expensive, snow falls heavier, winters are colder and they need heat!

Media: Why more and more Iranians are now dumping on Quran?
X: Because there are not many public toilets in Iran!

Media: What do you see in yesterday’s Persians?
X: Proud and Noble Warriors who owned and ruled the world.

Media: What do you see in today’s Iranians?
X: A bunch of comatose, lazy, whiney people who go round and round until they drown in the quicksand!

Media: What do you see in tomorrow’s Iranians?
X: People not wanting to make a move, who look around for a savior!

Media: What do Iranians need?
X: Spines and Back Bones!

Media: Will Iran rise up again?
X: Only if Iranians become Persians again!

Media: Any good words for the people?
X: Eat more Kabob Kubideh and less Duq and Roqan Nabati!

Media: Any good words for the Iranian Opposition in Exile?
X: Back to life, back to reality, C’mon sing along ……

Media: Any good words for the Iranian youth in Inxile?
X: Get off Heroin, opium, hashish, weed and straighten up!

Media: Any good words for the Iranian youth in Exile?
X: Get off booze, cigarettes, cabarets, discotheques, stupid Persian concerts and shape up!

Media: What is the Iranian mentality today?
X: Cho Iran nabashad, be tokhmam ke nist,
Ravam jay-e digar, zamin qaht nist!
(If Iran will be banished, I could be careless,
I go elsewhere, there is no shortage of land!)

Media: What should the Iranian mentality be tomorrow?
X: Cho Iran mabashad, taneh man mabad,
Bedin bum o bar, zendeh yek tan mabad!)
(If Iran will be banished, my body will be banished,
In this vast land, all souls might as well be banished!)

Media: Why Iranians have their hands tied up and can’t overthrow IRI?
X: It’s not really their fault. They have one hand to the sky praying and the other hand is fingering the one next to them! They simply have no more hands left to overthrow IRI with them!

Media: What should Iranians do?
X: Develop the third hand (Darwin’s Evolution)!

Media: Any final words for our audience?
X: Yes indeed, Stop watching, listening and reading Kos O She’r (Iranian Media), get up, stand up and better your lives, revolt against IRI!

Media: Nurollah thank you for your wise words.
X: May Allah lighten the guiding lantern in your dark nights, so you can find your way to the bathroom!

…… and now a beautiful Arabo-Persian poem for the ending:

Lam yalad va lam youlad,
Beparam ru kulat?

Serat al mostaqimash kon,
Yek bareh biya vo lavat-ash kon!

Nurollah is now leaving the Mosque

Takbir ......

Allah o masala ala Mohammad, va aleh Mohammad ..

Islamic Jokes by Nurollah

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