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Hilarious Religious Q & A
 

Nurollah X - People and I (Hilarious Religious Q & A) Ashura Special!
After Namaz Jum'a Ashura Special with Nurollah X

Ahreeman X - Famous Ahreemanic One Liners!
January 31, 2007 = 2565 Shahanshahi PIY (Persian Imperial Year)

A perfect clerically correct, Religious Q & A by the Umma' from Hojatol Eslam eDin, Brother X, The Nurollah (Light of Allah)!


Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X

Q & A

Qs by Umma'
As by Hojatol Eslam eDin, Nurollah X

Live from Husseiniyeh Ershad

Reporter: Now we are taking you live to Ashura Ceremonies At The Mosque, where Hojatol Eslam eDin Nurollah X, light of Allah suppose to have a Manbar and interview. Tonight we have a very large crowd. I don't know if they are here for mourning or for free food and Polo Chelo Khori! I can see a lot of Head Banging, Chest Banging, Chain Banging, Head Cutting with Qameh and much Moan and cries! Brother Olaq is Sar Dasteh and the front speaker, the rest follow his words and shout slogans.

Marasem-e Ashura

Death to Great Satan and filthy Zionism
Marg bar Amrika, Marg bar Esrail ……

La Ellaha Ela Allah
La Elaha Ela Allah……
Ya Ali ol Vali Ollah
Ya Ali ol Vali Ollah …...
Ya Hussein ol Shahid Ollah
Ya Hussein ol Shahid Ollah ……
Ya Hussein, Ya Abbas
Hussein Hussein, Hussein Hussein ……..

 

Vay Hussein o koshtan,
khak be saram, khak be saram ……
Vay Hussein o kardan,
khak be saram, khak be saram ……
Dool-e Hussein o boridan,
khak be saram, khak be saram ……
Dast-e Abbas o boridan,
khak be saram, khak be saram ……
Tokhme chap-e Asb-e Hazrat-e Abbas ro ham boridand!
khak be saram, khak be saram ……
Ya Hussein, Ya Abbas
Hussein Hussein, Hussein Hussein ……

 

Hala invariya?
Hussein Hussein, Ya Hussein, Ya Abbas
Hala unvariya?
Hussein Hussein, Ya Hussein, Ya Abbas

 

Reporter: Hojatol Eslam is now entering The Mosque and residing upon the Manbar, behind the tribune.
Takbir
Allah o Masalo Ala Mohammad va Aleh Mohammad ……

Moo Moo Moo, Moooo….
Ok that's enough, calm down ……
Moo?!
Ok Brother Gav, withhold your enthusiasm on this holy night. Down brother, down ….
Let me go up the Manbar.
Ya Allah

Bismallahi Rahmani Rahim (very Qaliz with thick Arabic Accent!)
Ya Umma'

People often ask me many questions about ......

People: On these holy times of Ashura and Tasua, do you have any special message for the Umma' of Islam and Shi'a of Asna Ashari?
X: Praise be to Allah. On these Horny, … Oops pardon me, …. Holy times of Moharam, good fellow Shiites of Asna Hashari must cry as much as they can for Seyed al Shohada, Imam Hussein, because to cry less, means to feel lesser pains of what Hussein, Hazrat-e Abbas and the 72 Martyrs had suffered in Karbalah! Afterwards, the good fellow Shiites must consume as many dishes of free Polo Nazri with Gusht-e Qorbani, given away at fine mosques of Iran by fat Hojaj. Last but not least the good fellow Shiites must consider finding someone or something to do jenabat with at night! Any Halaal meat would do: Aqdi (permanent wife) and Siqeh (temporary wife) for jenabat or Tolab (religious studies students) and Bache Kunis (Sissy Boys) for Lavat Lazem. If non are available, then jenabat with your horse, camel, the house dog or neighbor's cat is also recommended and Halaal (religiously allowed)! Just make sure you read the Siqeh Verse before doing Amr-e Shirin-e Lavat (Sweet Joyful act of Islamic Sodomy) or Halaal Banging that Beast! Allah is forgiving! In Sham-e Qariban (Night of Strangers), everything goes ……., because Allah is also Passionate!

People: Why are you so critical of Islam and Muslim?
X: That is far from the truth! In fact, I operate as a Prophet of Allah! I only try to get the Good Umma' closer to Allah, and as soon as possible! I suggest that we send them to the other side to meet their maker Rapidly!

People: Why are you so ignorant to distinguish between the Good Muslim and Bad Muslim?
X: Who am I to judge the people? That's Allah's job! I am only a messenger, I shoot them all and let Allah sort them out!

People: Why do you always say: "Shoot first, don't even ask any questions later"?
X: It is not true! I used to say that in the past! But now I say: "Shoot first, and keep on shooting until you run out of bullets or Islamists, whichever comes first"!

People: Are you too blind to see that there are Fundamentalist Muslim and then Moderate Muslim?
X: There might be some Moderate Muslim but Islam in its nature is Fundamentalist and Reactionary; therefore, all Muslim are equal and the same!

People: Why do you insult Shiite Islam, the religion of the majority of Iranians?
X: That is a filthy lie made in Mecca! I have never insulted Belly and Under Belly (Food and Sex), the fabulous religion of the majority of Iranians!

People: Why do you insult the ever-expanding beautiful Religion of Islam?
X: Islam is not a religion! It is a dangerous political ideology! Do not mix them two!

People: Have you seen the light of Imam Hussein?
X: Well, to tell you the truth, once, Imam Hussein and 72 of his followers on Camel Top, tried to cross the desert from Karbalah to San Diego to save my soul; however, due to American Occupation, I believe the US Marines did not allow them to cross the Iraqi border, of course due to lack of proper papers and visas!

People: Why don't you live and let live?
X: Hey, I been living happily in Tehran, but Islam fingered me and exiled me to San Diego! Now I have no choice but to return the favor and Finger back the Good Muslim!

People: Have you no respect for the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH)?
X: Sure I do! I admire anyone who can steadily perform miracles in bed with 21 wives and a number of unlimited concubines for over 60 years!

People: Do you believe in Ali ibn al abi Talib?
X: Do you believe in Kabob ibn al Kubideh?!

People: What was Prophet's secret?
X: It must have been all the dates, banana, hot green peppers, garlic, onions, and camel milk that he was feeding on. They went right through his belly, into his Halaal Schlong! Prophet (PBUHB) [Peace Be Upon His Bone], been bangin all day long from sunlight to sundown, even during moonlight!

People: As a historian, what was Prophet's (PBUH) favorite consumptions?
X: Prophet (PBUHB) enjoyed consuming young camel's milk, young grilled bird (if any found in Sahara Deserts), young fire charbroiled deer (if any could be dragged from Persia), young sand lizard snacks and young 6 years old Arab child brides' Taboulis (e.g.: Ayisha)!

People: How do you feel about Imam Khamenei?
X: I feel pretty good about Imam! Today, in not too many nations, a known pretty boy Talabe (Imam Khomeini's Boy Toy) can rise to the level of the Nation's Spiritual and Political Leader! This story proves that Islamic Bangarooni (Bang O Salavat) pays! In this manner, we are way too progressed, open minded and ahead of the world! Only in Iran babies, Only in Iran!

People: Have you no shame?
X:
Well. once I had some, but I have left it in Tehran, once they kicked me out of Iran!

People: Do you have any respect whatsoever for the creator (Allah)?
X: Hell ye! Anyone who creates a bunch of rag tag replicas in his own image (mankind), and then realizes that he made such grave mistakes and global screw ups, that he needs to constantly send natural disasters (Earthquake, Flood, Hurricane, Brush Fire and recently Tsunami) to get rid of his screw ups, does definitely deserve my respect!

People: Do you believe Allah is forgiving and Merciful?
X: Hell ye! Just take a good look at the recent Tsunami in Indian Ocean Islands, 165,000 capoot and adding!

People: Do you believe Allah is fair?
X: But of course he is! 4 wives for every Muslim male but 21 wives especially for the Prophet (Peace Be Upon His Bone)!

People: What's wrong with Siqeh (Temporary Marriage in Shiite Islam)?
X: Not a thing! Actually I believe we should give credit to Shiite Islam, as the first religion which officially and morally "legalized Prostitution"!

People: Now be fair, would you rather the youth to go corrupt or would you rather the youth to marry females for a limited amount of time and for a limited amount of money, religiously correct as known as Siqeh?
X: Dang! You mean all this time they been practicing Islam in Mustang Ranch (Las Vegas), Hollywood Boulevard (Los Angeles), Street Corners (Amsterdam) and Shahr-e Nou (Tehran)?!

People: What's wrong with Islam?
X: Nothing at all! In fact, I believe that Islam is the most realistic religion, which has adopted its doctrine to human nature! A complete religion fixated on the concept of the "Belly and Under Belly"! What's wrong with that?!

People: Do you have something against Islam?
X: Me? Never! I love a spiritual ideology which is based on exploiting women, reducing them to property, treat them as 2nd class citizens and banging 4 of them at the time, perfectly legal, and not even believing theres anything wrong with that!

People: What's wrong with killing infidels?
X: Absolutely nothing! Where else can we practice legal murder, socially recommended and religiously blessed? Only in Islam! What a religion!

People: What's wrong with Jihad?
X: Heck I love it! What's wrong with killing people, stealing their property, taking over their land, raping their women and children (of course after reading Siqeh) and still counting on receiving future benefits in afterlife from Allah?!

People: Do you have something against Martyrdom (Shahadat)?
X: Hell no! More dead Muslim (Martyrs) = Less Muslim Population = More Oxygen for rest of the Earth Population! What's wrong with that?!

People: What's wrong with Suicide Bombing?
X: Nothing at all! I don't know why the civilized world believes it's selfish to blow oneself up and take a bunch of innocent people alongside yourself to Allah! It is kind o like a Holy Bus or carpool to Allah with the Suicide Bomber as the Bus Driver! Suicide Bomber just wants to save gas along the road! What's wrong with that?! These Westerners can be so ignorant from time to time! They simply do not understand our great Islamic Concepts!!

People: What are Jews good for?
X: Nothing at all! Well, by the love of Allah, Prophet himself mass murdered a whole tribe of them (Bani Qurayza), killed their Tribal Leader and banged his daughter (Raihana) and turned her in to his concubine Faheshe! Prophet (PBUHB) did not even see anything wrong with his action! Why should we? We should follow Prophet's example and massacre all Zionist Infidels! And theres your prayer!

People: What's wrong with pedophilia?
X: Absolutely nothing! You see, westerners are so ignorant to the wisdom of our lifestyle! How can children grow big and strong, if you don't bang them and well-stretch them while little? By banging them you hit three birds with one stone: Teaching children about bird and bees, satisfy your sexual needs and most important, helping them to stretch and grow big and healthy! Prophet Mohammed (PBUHB) recommended this behavior and he experimented this action on Ayisha and his 2 pearly white tent boys! But did this action scar them for life? Hell no! Look how Ayisha turned up when she grew up! She became a healthy and wealthy fierce female merciless warrior and executioner! And please do not brand it as pedophilia. The term pedophilia is so politically incorrect, try "Child-Progress Accelerating Fitness"!

People: Do you have something against The Intellectual Left?
X: Of Course not! By the love of Mosadeq's bald head, those poor In_Tell_Egg_Chew_All Left! They have done nothing but service to Iran! They have brought the most illiterate social class of Iran (The Mullahs) out from the dungeons of Mosque to rule the nation and rule over the "Sea of Cattle" (more illiterate public)! It is kind o like, erecting a shepherd (Mullahs) to guide and rule over the Cattle (Gav O Guspandan), and what's wrong with that? Who could have ruined the nation in such manner and done it better than the Intellectual Left? Allah bless Jebhe Meli and Hezbe Tudeh!

People: Why do you say Jebhe Meli members are too stuck up?
X: The way they stand, sit, speak and conduct themselves, looks like they have canes up their buttocks! That's why they are always so tense and sensitive! These Jebhe Kachalan-e Qeyr-e Meli Doctors need to remove these canes either with French Pliers or medical surgery and loosen up their rectums with some fine Vaseline lubricant from Qom to develop a sense of humor, so they can relax a bit.

People: So what's your final recommendation to Jebhe Meli members?
X: How should I put it? Take the canes out of your rectums and develop some sense of humor in its place!

People: Why the old IPC had over 1100 members and the new IPC has less?
X: We have changed our policy, we hired a doorman to not allow Gav O Guspandan in!

People: Why does IPC presently has much less members than Tabloids?
X: Because our beloved Iranians prefer to read IPC in silence (a great number of readers), than to join IPC as members and actually Say or Do something!

People: Who got Balls?
X: IPC members!

People: What's with you and Balls? What's the obsession on Balls?
X: Well, it is actually a complex that I have! I have seen so few Iranians with Balls, that I often admire people of Gigantic Size, Well Polished Balls such as Reza Shah The Great! I am always in search of people with Balls, thus all I see around, are Ball-Less Eye-Rainians or Eye-Rainians with either Cotton-Balls or Seedy-Balls (Hasteh Khorma)!!!!

People: Do you consider yourself a Man O Balls or the owner of Great Size Balls?
X: Well, We shall ask this question from Haji Kuchike (Junior Pilgrim), because he is residing near them Balls (Imam Hassan and Hussein)!!!!

People: Do you ever get tired of writing Hajviyat (Silly Poems) and Arajif (Bull Shiite) or Mohmalat (Silly Humor) on the net?
X: Do Iranians ever get tired of smoking Opium and drinking Vodka?!

People: Why Aren't Iranians uprise, make a Revolution and Change the Regime?
X: Well, the ones outside are too busy in Cabarets, with one hand holding the bottle of Vodka and with other hand, fingering the voluptuous Belly Dancer! The ones inside are too busy in House Parties, with one hand holding the Vafur (Opium Pipe) and with other hand, fingering the beefy thighs of the neighbor's wife! So as you see, Iranians have "No Hands" left to make a fist, rise to the sky in anger, march and make a Revolution (Killer)!!!

People: Will you ever join the distinguished, Well Moraled, Respectable Eye-Rainian Community and respect their values?
X: Will there be another future Ice Age on Earth?!

People: Do you see hope for The Islamic Democracy?
X: Does Hell Freeze Over?!

People: Do you see a separation of Mosque and Government in an officially Islamic Nation?
X: Does Frog sings Abu Atta lyrics?!

People: Will Mullahs leave the power peacefully and go back to the Mosques?
X: Does Rooster joins a Ballroom Dance Club and wears a Tuxido rather than sing Qooqool Qooqoo on 5 AM at Sunlight?!

People: Can Pacifist policies of pacifist Iranian Opposition Leaders bring Freedom upon Iran?
X: Does Khajeh Hafez-e Shirazi lays an Egg?!

People: Why is it that you are so blood thirsty, violent and aggressive?
X: What can I say?! It must be my great great grand father, Aqa Mohamad Khan-e Qajar's fault! Aqa Khan used to build Hills of Beheaded Heads and Rivers of Blood out of enemy! Aqa Khan was a Great Pacifist!!!

People: Why do you call Aqa Mohamad Khan-e Qajar, your ancestor, while it is a known fact that he was a eunuch and could have no children?
X: Well, let's see, hmmmmmmmmm?! Ponder..........ponder..........., Aha, got it! As a Qajar, I can see the whole Qajar Dynasty had either No Balls or Seedy Balls (Hasteh Khorma); however, Aqa Khan was the only Qajar Shah who kept the integrity of the Persian Empire intact! General Abbas Mirza (Fath Ali Khan's son) and I, have visibly large size balls (let me double check), Ooh yee, let me get a hold of them ............. ye still very large! So by Golly Jee and for Camel of Prophet's sake, we must both be decendants of Aqa Khan!

People: Aqa Mohamad Khan-e Qajar had no Balls! Zand Dynasty had cut them off and made him a eunuch! How can a Ball-Less person (physically), have such Large Size Balls (actually)???
X: Ain't that the Irony?!

People: Can any substantial "Change" occur in Iran without United States' blessing?
X: Can Iranian Exiled Folks grow some BackBones?!

People: Can we ever bring Freedom, Secularism, Federalism, Human Rights and Democracy to Iran without the use of Force?
X: Will Iranians inside Iran, ever let go of Manqal (Opium Grill) and Vafur (Opium Pipe)?!

People: Can you show us a True Nationalist amongst the ranks of Jebhe Meli?
X: Can you show me an Anal Virgin in Qom?

People: When will Iranians stop opportunism, corruption, self centerism and grasp common cooperation for sake of Mother Persia?
X: When will the folks in Qazvin turn Heterosexual?!

People: Are there good Islamic Clerics and bad Islamic Clerics?
X: Are there Bad Venereal Diseases and then Good Syphilis and Gonorrhea symptoms?!

People: Will KIR (Khomeini's Islamic Republic) fall by Non Violence and Cyber Petitions and Cyber Referendums?
X: Will Jurassic Up-Position Leaders in LA and DC achieve erections without Viagra?!

People: Why do you often call them Eye-Rainians?
X: Because they are often having their "Eye" to the "Rain" to fertilize their barren land, rather than getting off of their Asses to create an irrigation system of water to self fertilize the land!

People: Why don't they fertilize the land themselves?
X: Because it takes efforts to get off of their Asses!

People: It has been 28 + years of as you say AIOG (Arabo_Islamic Occupational Government). What are Iranians waiting for?
X: Every Eye-Rainian has One Eye looking to the person next to him to uprise or take lead and One Eye looking paranoid to the back of his neck, in case another Shiite Eye-Rainian screws him up the Shiiter (Riot)!

People: Will there ever be any Hope for Iran?
X: There will be hope until there are a few Iranians alive! We still have a few Iranians amongst the sea of Eye-Rainians!

People: Do you still consider yourself an Iranian?
X: Unfortunately yes!

People: Do you still Love Iran?
X: Who loves you babies? Ahreeman indeed! Who else?!

People: Do you have any final words for Iranians?
X: Yes, as Reza Pahlavi II said: "The time for Reza Shahs and Nader Shahs are gone and done with." So Eye-Rainians must stop keeping an Eye to the sky for a prince charming on the white horse to come to their rescue and save them, so they need to stand up, revolt and finish the Mullahs' Regime themselves. There are no more knights in white shining armors to save the day!

People: Why there is no more knight in the white shining armor?
X: Because yesterday we had Reza Shah the Great from Alasht, but today we have Reza Shaf the Zepert from Maryland!

People: Thank you Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam eDin Nurollah X for your bits of wisdom.
X: You welcome and please cut down on Duq (Yogurt Soda) and Roqan Nabati (Vegetable Oil), because they are not so good for Boniyeh and they give you Shekam Ravesh (The Runs)! Ya'uzo Billah!

Reporter: Hojatol Eslam is now leaving the Manbar and The Mosque.
Takbir
Allah o Masalo Ala Mohammad va Aleh Mohammad ……
Moo?!

 

From Book of Hojat written by Hazrat-e Nurollah X

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