The Logic Behind 72 Virgins!
Islamic Religious Problem # 69
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July 14, 2008
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Islamic Religious Question # 69
Today is a blessed day in the Islamic World. We are bringing this important event to you live from Houzeh Elmiyeh Qom. In this beautiful gathering at the prayer hall of the mosque, masses by the thousands are present. Cream of the crop of the Shiite world are here. Masses by thousands are also standing outside to pray behind Hazrat-e Nurollah and listen to his speech. Crowd is very enthusiastic for Nurollah’s arrival. Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X is one of the greatest Bull Shiiters, pardon me Shiite Scholars of all times. Allah bless his great soul, he is the master of ceremonies. Nurollah had blown a new spirit in to Islam and Muslim……. Wait a second I can see him, Hojatol Eslam is now walking the green carpet (like Hollywood’s Red Carpet) and entering the Mosque ….
Nurollah is now entering The Mosque
Everybody stand up, Nur of Allah, Light of Allah, Nurollah in the House.
Takbir, Salavat-e Boland Khatm Konid
Allah O Masalo Ala Mohammed va Alleh Mohammed .......
La Ellaha Ella Allah, La Ellaha Ella Allah ............
Mooooooooo Moo Moo Moo?!
Oy Ohoy Brother Gusaleh, not so enthusiastic!
Withhold your enthusiasm! Down, down brother Gusaleh
First, together we do Namaz al Jama'a Prayer.
We will bend over up and down for Allah!
OK that’s enough!
OK quiet please! allow me to go upon Manbar and behind the tribune .........
Beginning of Sermon, Umma' absolute silence please!
Allah is Passionate, Nurollah is also passionate but Allah is much more passionate!
Dear Long eared Umma', remain calm and pay attention to words o wisdom ...........
I just saw a French documentary called "Suicide Killers" which was basically about "Female Suicide Bombers"! The Filmmaker interviewed a great number of Arab Suicide Bombers mostly from Palestine. The mission was getting into the mind and logic of female suicide bombers!
A young mother of 4, said:
"It is my honor to become a martyr for Islam. It is my religious duty to protect Islam and as of rewards, I will go to heaven!"
A young girl said:
"Soon after the bombing, I will go to heaven and I will be the prettiest virgin amongst the virgins!"
After watching this show, it suddenly clicked! I have seen the light! I truly got the concept and logic behind the elements of:
Female Suicide Bombing and 72 Virgins. This is not all crap and "Bull Shiite", yet there is an Islamic logic behind it all!
The Islamic Logic behind 72 Virgins
For each male suicide bomber Shahid which blows up and goes to the Islamic Heaven, there will be 72 virgins waiting for his arrival. Obviously during the last few decades, there has been a great number of Martyrs (Shohada) committing suicide bombing! It is a fact and common sense that this factor has caused an imbalance between the amount of male suicide bombers and virgins in the heaven! For each male suicide bomber, Mohammed promised 72 virgins and due to the latest increase of Bombing Missions, the supply of virgins cannot satisfy the demands of Shohada!
What to do?
So Imams released a Fatwa that it is the natural Islamic duty of women to also commit suicide bombing! Actually a great number of female suicide bombers are in demand, because according to the Islamic Scholars:
"Once a female suicide bomber departs Earth and enters Heaven, then she will become a Virgin!"
"Mathematically, we require 72 female suicide bombers to die and go to heaven to become 72 virgins for each male suicide bomber!"
Present Situation of Virgins in the Islamic Heaven
As long as presently there is a shortage of virgins in heaven (due to old age, a lot of sex, widening of vaginas and relocations to Hell), then by all means, Islam requires new virgins to replace each of these 72 virgins promised to the good male Muslim!
What other way to increase the supply of virgins, better than volunteer drafting of Femi-Bombers? There is an active policy of drafting 72 Femi-Bombers for each male bomber! Islam needs virgins!
This is both Halaal (Islamically recommended and blessed) and Savab (Benefits will be rewarded in afterlife)!
The 73rd Virgin!
There are certain infidels who demand the 73rd virgin! These morons obviously are not realists and not knowing that we are already stretching it very thin by 72 and there is no way in hell that we can move to 73! The fool infidels are simply blind! May Allah stick hot coal in their infidel throats!
The only possible answer is to increase the supplies by drafting more Femi-Bombers!
Islamic Religious Question # 69
People often ask me many religious questions?
What if the Femi suicide bomber is not a virgin? What if she blows up and goes to heaven? Will she also become a virgin in heaven?
The answer is yes! For instance, even though a mother of four, can blow herself up and go to heaven, yet as soon as she reaches the gates, there are "female Islamic surgeons and Gynecologists" awaiting at the gates to direct her to the Islamic Operation Room for a patch job! They will repair the Virginity Curtain and volah, she is as good as new!
But wouldn't male suicide bomber (Shahid) be aware of this fraud? Is this operation:
Halaal = Religiously recommended
Makrouh = Religiously not recommended nor forbidden
Haraam = Religiously forbidden
So which is it?
Technically, in the critical situation of today's world and a serious deficit of Virgins facing Islam, obviously Allah, Mohammed, Caliphs of Rashedin aka Caliphs of Rashidoon (Abu Bakr, Othman, Omar, Ali), Imams, clerics and of course Shohada (Martyrs) must turn the blind eye, not being picky and slide this one under the Persian Rug! Stop cotton picking and knit picking! So what if the virgin or two might be a patch job?!
Allah is forgiving!
But what kind O Shiite are you pulling here .........?
Ahay, Ohoy, oy brother bouncer, brother Hezbollah, please grab this boy and throw him outside the Mosque! He is asking too many questions! I believe this Gusaleh is an infidel!
Ya Nurollah, We are coming, get out infidel Mal'oun, get out ...
Forgive me Nurollah, I won’t ask anymore questions … Mooooo Moo!
Geda Ali Pasdar: C’mon Gusaleh, let’s kick you out of the mosque …
Qolam Ali Pasdar: No, better take him to the “Back Room” of the mosque to do the nasty with him! We must teach this Gusaleh a lesson! This is the “Islamic Way” of dealing with Gusaleh Infidels … make sure to bring along the “Ya Allah Turbo Dildo Butt Plug # 747”!
Geda Ali Pasdar: Y Ali, let’s go infidel ….
Heeeelp, help me …… Moooo …. Moo!
Good Muslim does not ask too many questions!, stop asking too many questions! Just be satisfied with my explanations! They may sound Cockamamie, but then again the complete Islam is Cockamamie! So what? Yet make no mistakes, my solutions are much wise, thus Allah is wise!
Let us continue ......
Why 72 Virgins?
Mal'oun, Who are you to question Prophet? Prophet PBUHB (Peace Be Upon His Bone) was the Master! He had 21 wives, 2 Pretty Boys and an unlimited number of Concubines (Female Slaves captured in Jihad Wars)! Allah bless his bone! he was a great Boner of the masses! Don't you think with all that wisdom and passion, he knows best? Sit down, sit down and keep silence Guspand!
Why did Prophet have 21 wives but we can only have 4 wives?
Didn't I tell you people not to ask too many questions? Just listen to Clerics and learn Masael. Keep silence because silence is sign of knowledge! Don't ask questions and you will become wise! Never question the clerics nor question Quran! Sit down boy, sit down! A good Muslim is a silent Muslim!
So we conclude .......
So as you see, there is a direct mathematical correlation between the number of male and female suicide bombers depending on the political situation of the time! Prophet Mohammed PBUHB (Peace Be Upon His Bone) promised 72 virgins; therefore, due to everlasting and ever increasing demands, we also need to increase the supplies! That's why today, we push the concept of "Femi -Bombers" and we practically do not care if they are virgins or not! We don't even care if they had 14 children and their vagina size is equal to a small cave! As long as they get the job done, they shall become virgins in heaven!
Now you might ask why the Prophet PBUHB, has promised 72? Well, that is another chapter and today we do not have time to respond to this question! You must understand that Islamic Sciences are such complicated matters and there are only few Islamic Scholars such as myself who can supply answers to all of these questions! But please have faith, thus,
Allah is Wise and Mohammed is definitely Creative!
Everybody stand up, Nurollah is leaving the House.
Moooooooo Moooo Moo?!
Oy Gusaleh, stand up, show respect!
It’s hard for me to stand straight. They took me to the back room of the mosque and done the nasty to me! Moo…. Moo!!!
Takbir, Salavat-e Boland Khatm Konid
Allah O Masalo Ala Mohammed va Alleh Mohammed .................
Nurollah is now exiting The Mosque
Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
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