You Could be
Persian, if …
by Ahreeman X
Newly Improved on January 30, 2007
Those
amazing Persians, I just love Persians … say? Have you ever
wondered if you have some Persian in you or maybe you are ethnically
a full-blown Persian? You never know! Well there is a way to find
out! You know it is very much possible that:
You
could be Persian,
If
you gossip more than your wife!
If
your nickname is "Khaleh Zanak" (female gossiper), yet
you're a man!
If
you're a part-time philosopher and a part-time cab-driver in Beverly
Hills with an opinion on every subject known to man!
If
the title of Dr. has been added to the beginning of your name,
since you started writing and sending crap to Iranian Tabloid
Websites such as Iranian.com and ……
If
you are a new flamboyant pop music star from skies of Tehran Geles
(Los Angeles) with a nickname of Shahram-e Gay!
You
could be Persian,
If
you are a senior citizen and collect your retirement from Iran,
benefits from Denmark and social security and disability from
America!
If
you live 1/3 of the year in Iran, 1/3 in Denmark and 1/3 in America
to keep your immigration status and benefits from all three countries!
If
you live eleven months a year in Iran but you spend one month
a year in America, only so your Green Card does not expire!
If
you own 7 businesses but always complain about poverty in social
gatherings, so no one would ask you for a loan!
If
you're a German educated Iranian from some hick-town, Azerbaijan
in Iran, now living in America and when speaking English, you
sound like a Turkish Hitler on Crack!
You
could be Persian,
If
your baggy pants is halfway down your butt and dragging on the
ground, your butt crack is showing, your football jersey says
homeboy, you got an earring in your left ear, a nose-ring in your
right nostril, an eyebrow ring in your left brow, a tattoo on
your arm, a backward baseball cap on the head and you call yourself
"Wise DJ Mohsen" but with your baggy pants getup, it
looks like you can't tell the difference between your ass and
the ground!
If
you look like a black ghetto rapper on Acid, with 5 gold chains
around your neck, walking down Hollywood Boulevard rapping some
cheesy note, calling yourself "2 Roll Taryak" or "5
Rial Essy" or "DJ Bache Kun" or "Rap Master
Hassan" and you wonder why people waving at you and saying
Hi Pegger (Persian Nigger)!
If
you are a man and you abbreviate your name from Ardalan to Ardi,
Esmail to Essy, Javad to Javi, Jahangir to Jaji, Hassan to Hasi,
Akbar to Aki, Qazanfar to Qazi, Ozbak to Ozi, Jahanshah to Jalqi,
Ali to Ayi, and Enayat to Ani …!
If
you are a woman and you abbreviate your name from Batul to Betty,
Sakineh to Sucki, Soqra to Sissy, Monir to Mimi, Shamsi to Shooshoo,
Zhila to Zhizhi, Javaneh to Joojoo, Dara to Doodoo, Soraya to
Soosoo, Roja to Ridi, Ozra to Ozi, Akram to Aki, Kobra to Kiki
and Kousar to Kosi, …!
If
you pronounce sure, "Shoor"!
You
could be Persian,
If
you're a grocer and they call you Sarhang (Colonel)!
If
you are a cab-driver and they call you Doctor!
If
you are a butcher and they call you Mohandes (Engineer)!
If
you are a cook in Chelo Kabobi and they call you Ostad (Professor)!
If
you are a billionaire with a lavish lifestyle and they call you
Darvish (spiritual and non-materialistic person)!
You
could be Persian,
If
you praise Allah and read Namaz between 3 (Shiite) to 5 (Sunni)
times a day, bending over up and down, even right outside the
class in the corridors of your university in between sessions
or the lounge-room of the hospital where you work in between shifts!
If
you scream between 3 (Constitutionalist) to 5 (Absolutist) times
day "Javid Shah" (Long Live Shah) daily, even after
3 decades that Monarchy had died in Iran!
If
you're a young Exile born Iranian Swedish Monarchist, under the
impression that there are 70 million Iranians cheering for Reza
Pahlavi and ready to conduct a referendum to establish Constitutional
Monarchy, yet you have never been to Iran!
If
you are on a plane for the first time in your life, smell like
a week old cheese, flying from Iran to America and wondering why
people around you point at you while mumbling to each other "FOP"
(Fresh Out of Plane)!
If
you are now living in America for a month, yet you already forgot
Persian and you speak English with an Italian Bronx Accent!
You
could be Persian,
If
you're a Muslim but you wear Star of David pendant in Westwood!
If
you are a Jew but you wear Faravahar in Persian Concerts!
If
you are a Darvish Sufi but you wear a cross in Church!
If
you are a Christian Priest but you are a SUMKA (Iranian Nazi Party)
fan!
If
you were a Mullah in Iran but in America you became a Priest to
keep steady in the same line of work!
You
could be Persian,
If
you were a Muslim in Iran, but in America converted to Christianity
to get a Green Card!
If
you were in jail in Iran for forgery and fraud, but in America
you claimed Political Asylum to get a Green Card!
If
you were in jail in Iran for prostitution, but in America you
claimed you are a tortured Bahai to get a Green Card!
If
you were in jail in Iran for drug dealing, but in America you
become a Darvish and opened a Khaneqah to deal salvation!
If
you were a Con Artist in Iran, and in America you become a Car
Dealer to maintain in the same line of work!
You
could be Persian,
If
your mother breaks up your marriage.
If
you talk behind your wife with your mother.
If
you talk behind your mother with your wife.
If
you divorced your wife, yet when your parents are in town, they
visit your x wife and stay at her house for a week!
If
your in laws arrive at your house, stay for a visit and never
leave!
You
could be Persian,
If
you object, when your x wife dates other men!
If
your sister and your x wife go shopping together.
If
your sister's best friend is your x wife!
If
you will be the man, giving away your x wife in her second marriage
ceremony!
If
your x wife remarries and you become a friend of the family, just
to keep an eye on her to make sure she will remain safe and sound!
You
could be Persian,
If,
when going to concerts, you spend all the time in outside hallways
drinking, smoking and chasing girls.
If
going to the concert with your wife; however, ending up at another
table with someone else's wife!
If
going to the concert and end up dancing half-naked on top of the
table!
If
you're the designated driver but after the concert, you pack everybody
in the car and start driving Zig Zag in between 4 lanes of the
freeway!
If
you go to the concert with a date but you end up dancing with
the belly dancer in the center stage while everybody empties the
stage and circles you two, because they don't want to miss out
on you making an Ass out of yourself, half-drunk and barely standing
on your feet, set aside belly dancing!
You
could be Persian,
If
you rip Barbari Bread in pieces and throw them in your Clam Chowder
Soup and eat it Abgushti Style!
If
you enjoy Abgusht (Persian Beefy Soup) and Abgushti women (Persian
Beefy women)!
If
you like Chunky Little Blondes, because they have Love Handles,
so you have something to hold on to!
If
you are a Carnivore and you prefer Chunky Healthy Women, because
they have some meat on their bones!
If
you are a Chubby Chaser and a big fan of Chunky women with Chunky
Beefy Thighs!
You
could be Persian,
If
your favorite drink is vodka.
If
your favorite nonalcoholic drink is vodka lime and 7up.
If
you claim that you are a nonsmoker in public, yet you smoke 3
packs a day in hiding!
If
you claim that you are not an addict, yet you been smoking opium
for 14 years!
If
your idea of spontaneous recreational hobbies are synchronizing;
drinking a half gallon bottle of Stolichnaya Russian Vodka, while
smoking a $1000 roll of Persian Opium!
You
could be Persian,
If
you enjoy Russian Vodka, Persian Opium, and Turkish Hashish.
If
you enjoy, Persian Caviar, French Champagne, and chunky little
Blondes!
If
you enjoy eating young Ozonboron (sturgeon caviar fish) from Caspian
Sea, young Khodka (Sea Ducks) from The North Iranian Shores, young
charbroiled lamb kabobs and young Persian girls!
If
you own a Persian Rug, a Persian Cat, a house in Beverly Hills,
a BMW, and a Mexican voluptuous maid named Marta!
If
married and spending so many nights at office having conferences
with your young and beautiful secretary named Zhaleh who calls
herself ZhiZhi!
You
could be Persian,
If
you have a wife, a mistress, a secretary, a maid, a sidekick date,
a ...
If
you claim that you are from one of the Royal Families of Iran.
If
you claim you were a General in the Shah's military in Iran, yet
now driving a taxi cab in New York!
If
you claim you are of the Pahlavi Royal Family of Iran, yet sleeping
in your 20 years old Porsche
in Pacific Beach, California at night!
If
claiming your dad was an Admiral in Persian navy and your mom
was the secretary of education before revolution, yet you are
wearing torn jeans and a raggedy T-shirt, bumming at the beaches
of Malibu.
You
could be Persian,
If
carrying the title of Doctor, Professor, Engineer, etc., before
your name; however, the closest you got to a college, was peeping
at the girls' dorm during your freshman year, before you dropped
out and become a Grocery Store Owner and a part time politician!
If
you speak 5 different languages, yet you cannot properly communicate
with any of them!
If
you speak English for 20 years, but in a party when one asks if
you would like to have an orange or an apple? You answer: "I
like from the orange better than from the apple"!
If
you are a high school drop out, yet you have an opinion on every
subject known in science, politics, philosophy and general information.
If
you claim that you are of one of the Royal Families of Iran or
somehow related to them indirectly!
You
could be Persian,
If
you claim to be a patriotic Persian, yet you have never crossed
beyond California border lines!
If
you claim to be a patriotic American and want to support the economy.
Yet there is a Beemer, a Mercedes, and a Porsche parked in your
3 car garage home!
If
you live in a studio apartment with no furniture and have no bank
account, yet own a new BMW!
If
you do not have a job, yet you manage to have a winter home at
La Jolla Beach, a summer villa in South of France, a house in
Beverly Hills with a new Mercedes Benz parked in front of it!
If
you are an engineer at daytime and a singer-entertainer at night!
You
could be Persian,
If
you brag about your Persian Aryan ancestry, yet you have a Jewish
long nose, Arabic connected eyebrows, Mongolian eyes, dark Black
features and complexion, and a Turkish looking mustache on top
of it!
If
you are a short, fat, and dark Furball primate, with hair covering
all your body and the only visible thing, is a long huge eggplant
looking nose sticking out of all the hair.
If
your name is Hassan and you have Seyed (Holly Arabic) Roots all
the way to Mohammed The Prophet, yet you talk about your Persian
Aryan ancestry which goes back to Cyrus and Darius The Great!!
If
you would like to have a traditional, moral, and faithful Persian
Girl as a wife, yet you can bang everyone in site except Mother
Theresa (and that's because she is dead)!
If
you divorced your wife 3 years ago, but still cannot digest to
see her with other men, and you still would like to "keep
a relationship" with her!
You
could be Persian,
If
you get caught shoplifting a pair of $2.99 earrings, while wearing
a $7,000 pair of gold and diamond earrings of your own!
If
you preach about what a moral, decent, good old fashion Muslim
you are, but at certain nights you throw bashes with booze, opium,
Ham Orderves and Pizzas with guests including neighbor's and friend's
wives!
If
you are a Muslim and are really concern about eating Halaal and
non-pork food, yet guzzling down Persian Mortadella (a Deli Meat
with pieces of garlic, pistachio and Pork-Fat), like there is
no tomorrow!
If
you claim that you are a social drinker; however, you get dragged
home by friends while Shiite-faced and still trying to guzzle
down your 20th shot of vodka with a beer chaser at the Persian
Cabaret!
If
going to church at daytime, drinking and smoking with co-workers
at happy hours after work, banging neighbor's wife at night, and
seeing no contradiction amongst these acts!
You
could be Persian,
If
you try to harmonize by wearing a Persian Zoroastrian Faravahar
holy 22K gold necklace on Mondays, a Muslim Allah 22K gold necklace
on Tuesdays, a Christian Catholic Cross 22K gold necklace on Wednesdays,
a Jewish Hebrew Star of David 22K gold necklace on Thursdays,
a ...
If
you are still bitching about how the Islamic Republic repossessed
all your real-estate in Iran, while you own a house in La Jolla,
San Diego, Villa in Florida, Winter Cottage in Rio, and a summer
home in South of France!
If
your diamond ring must be larger and a better quality than your
neighbor's, and so does your Beemer!
If
you enjoy sharab (wine), Kabob, Persian Dance Music, and healthy
mini-skirt wearing high school girls with Abgushti legs (chunky
white thighs)!
If
you assume that you are a great poet but in fact you write Haziyan
incoherent frantic rhetorics, wile having fever due to drinking
too much Duq (Persian yogurt drink)!
You
could be Persian,
If
you are a Charlatan but you call yourself an attorney!
If
you are fixing Green Cards for people but you call yourself a
paralegal!
If
you are a paralegal but you call yourself a lawyer!
If
you are an injury lawyer but you call yourself a Criminal Lawyer!
If you are an ambulance chaser but you call yourself Perry Mason
and Johnny Cochran!
You
could be Persian,
If
your nick name is Doctor, but you work in a Chelo Kaboby (Persian
restaurant) in the kitchen!
If
they call you General, and you own a Persian grocery store in
the military district of San Diego!
If
you always wear soccer shorts, even while you are Shiite-faced
in the parties, insisting that you are an athlete!
If
you have changed 5 political ideologies and 4 different religions
during last 3 years, yet you insist calling this pattern: "Change
for better-ness" and "Evolution"!
If
you read 2 Rakat Namaz during the day, but you had hangover, so
you left the 3rd Rakat to be read at night while watching the
Burlesque show at Cabaret Tehran in LA!
And
last but not least,
You
could be Persian,
If
You either own a Persian; Rug Gallery, Grocery Super Market, Restaurant,
Car Dealership, Cab or Shuttle Company; however, still claiming
that you do this part time and you are really a fulltime Rocket
Scientist working for NASA!
Dr. X
