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You could be Persian, if …
Ahreeman X
1st Edition: January 6, 2006
2nd Edition: September 11, 2016

IPC Productions Presents:
You could be Persian, if …

Those amazing Persians, I just love them Persians … say? Have you ever wondered if you have some Persian in you or maybe you are ethnically a full-blown Persian? You never know! Well there is a way to find out! You know, it is very much possible that:

You could be Persian,

If you have just arrived from Iran a few months ago, already speak Persian with an American accent, speak broken English like a pigeon, changed your name from Abdul to Al and forgot all your Persian traditions except eating Chelo Kabob Kubideh!

If after living in America for 3 decades as an American, suddenly you become depressed, retroactive and nostalgic in that order, and then order a set of Faravahar Persian design T-shirts online, one for every day of the week but all in black!

If speaking English with Italian accent, belly dancing like Arabs, drinking vodka like Russians, smoking opium like Afghans, dressing up eccentric like Blacks but still wearing baggy comfortable pajamas at home like Persians!

If your name is Qolam Ali but you call yourself Nigel!

If you hang around daytimes at the corner Persian Supermarket, drinking Darjeeling Tea with sugar cubes (Chai Qand Pahlu) while reading free Persian newspapers; and then spend the nighttimes at the Persian Cabaret next door, shooting Shiite with the other Persians with too much time on their hands (Alaf O Bi Kar) while fingering the beefy belly dancer when sticking dollar bills in her G-String; however, when asked “What do you do all day?”, you insist that you deep thinking all day and writing economic thesis all night to get your Ph.D. to solve the socio economic problems of the future Iranian government!

You could be Persian,

If you have a master in communication, but you always end up fighting with everyone due to having a short fuse!

If you dress up in black at daytime in public and hang around naked at nighttime in private!

If you refer to people as “Jigar” (Literary meaning Liver AKA Term of Endearment meaning My Dear) or “My Friend” while you screw them out of a deal, selling them a business, a Real Estate, or an Automobile!

If you are always moody, reminiscing about the good old times, living it up in the Imperial Iran (before the Islamic Revolution) and how sad you are now to live as a poor multi millionaire in Southern California!

If you chase chunky little blondes with beefy thighs wearing short miniskirts in the park, just to pinch or finger them like you used to do back home in Iran!

You could be Persian,

If you gossip more than your wife!

If your nickname is "Khaleh Zanak" (female gossiper), yet you're a man!

If you're a part-time philosopher and a part-time cab-driver in Beverly Hills with an opinion on every subject known to man!

If the title of Dr. has been added to the beginning of your name, since you started writing and sending crap to Iranian Tabloid Websites such as Iranian.com or Iroon.com and ……

If you are a new flamboyant pop music star from skies of Tehran Geles (Los Angeles) with a nickname of Shahram-e Gay!

You could be Persian,

If you are a senior citizen and collect your retirement from Iran, benefits from Denmark and social security and disability from America!

If you live 1/3 of the year in Iran, 1/3 in Denmark and 1/3 in America to keep your immigration status and benefits from all three countries!

If you live eleven months a year in Iran but you spend one month a year in America, only so your Green Card does not expire!

If you own 7 businesses but always complain about poverty in social gatherings, so no one would ask you for a loan!

If you're a German educated Iranian from some hick-town, Azerbaijan in Iran, now living in America and when speaking English, you sound like a Turkish Hitler on Crack!

You could be Persian,

If your baggy pants is halfway down your butt and dragging on the ground, your butt crack is showing, your football jersey says homeboy, you got an earring in your left ear, a nose-ring in your right nostril, an eyebrow ring in your left brow, a tattoo on your arm, a backward baseball cap on the head and you call yourself "Wise DJ Mohsen" but with your baggy pants getup, it looks like you can't tell the difference between your ass and the ground!

If you look like a black ghetto rapper on Acid, with 5 gold chains around your neck, walking down Hollywood Boulevard rapping some cheesy note, calling yourself "2 Roll Taryak" or "5 Rial Essy" or "DJ Bache Kun" or "Rap Master Hassan" and you wonder why people waving at you and saying Hi Pegger (Persian Nigger)!

If you are a man and you abbreviate your name from Ardalan to Ardi, Esmail to Essy, Javad to Javi, Jahangir to Jaji, Hassan to Hasi, Akbar to Aki, Qazanfar to Qazi, Ozbak to Ozi, Jahanshah to Jalqi, Ali to Ayi, and Enayat to Ani …!

If you are a woman and you abbreviate your name from Batul to Betty, Sakineh to Sucki, Soqra to Sissy, Monir to Mimi, Shamsi to Shooshoo, Zhila to Zhizhi, Javaneh to Joojoo, Darya to Doodoo, Soraya to Soosoo, Roja to Ridi, Ozra to Ozi, Akram to Aki, Kobra to Kiki and Kousar to Kosi, …!

If you pronounce sure, "Shoor"!

You could be Persian,

If you're a grocer and they call you Sarhang (Colonel)!

If you are a cab-driver and they call you Doctor!

If you are a butcher and they call you Mohandes (Engineer)!

If you are a cook in Chelo Kabobi and they call you Ostad (Professor)!

If you are a billionaire with a lavish lifestyle and they call you Darvish (spiritual and non-materialistic person)!

You could be Persian,

If you praise Allah and read Namaz between 3 (Shiite) to 5 (Sunni) times a day, bending over up and down, even right outside the class in the corridors of your university in between sessions or the lounge-room of the hospital where you work in between shifts!

If you scream between 3 (Constitutionalist) to 5 (Absolutist) times a day "Javid Shah" (Long Live Shah) daily, even after almost 4 decades that Monarchy had died in Iran!

If you're a young Exile born Iranian Swedish Monarchist, under the impression that there are over 80 million Iranians cheering for Reza Pahlavi and ready to conduct a referendum to establish Constitutional Monarchy, yet you have never been to Iran!

If you are on a plane for the first time in your life, smell like a week old cheese, flying from Iran to America and wondering why people around you point at you while mumbling to each other "FOP" (Fresh Out of Plane)!

If you are now living in America for a month, yet you already forgot Persian and you speak English with an Italian Bronx Accent!

You could be Persian,

If you're a Muslim but you wear Star of David pendant in Westwood!

If you are a Jew but you wear Faravahar in Persian Concerts!

If you are a Mystic Darvish Sufi but you wear a cross in Church!

If you are a Christian Priest but you are a SUMKA (Iranian Nazi Party) fan!

If you were a Mullah in Iran but in America you became a Priest to keep steady in the same line of work!

You could be Persian,

If you were a Muslim in Iran, but in America converted to Christianity to get a Green Card!

If you were in jail in Iran for forgery and fraud, but in America you claimed Political Asylum to get a Green Card!

If you were in jail in Iran for prostitution, but in America you claimed you are a tortured Baha’i to get a Green Card!

If you were in jail in Iran for drug dealing, but in America you become a Darvish and opened a Khaneqah to deal salvation!

If you were a Con Artist in Iran, and in America you become a Car Dealer to maintain in the same line of work!

You could be Persian,

If your mother breaks up your marriage.

If you talk behind your wife with your mother.

If you talk behind your mother with your wife.

If you divorced your wife, yet when your parents are in town, they visit your ex wife and stay at her house for a week!

If your in laws arrive at your house, stay for a visit and never leave!

You could be Persian,

If you object, when your ex wife dates other men!

If your sister and your ex wife go shopping together.

If your sister's best friend is your ex wife!

If you will be the man, giving away your ex wife in her second marriage ceremony!

If your ex wife remarries and you become a friend of the family, just to keep an eye on her to make sure she will remain safe and sound!

You could be Persian,

If, when going to Persian concerts, you spend all the time in outside hallways drinking, smoking and chasing girls.

If going to the Persian concert with your wife; however, ending up at another table with someone else's wife!

If going to the Persian concert and end up dancing half-naked on top of the table!

If you're the designated driver but after the concert, you pack everybody in the car and start driving Zig Zag in between 4 lanes of the freeway!

If you go to the concert with a date but you end up dancing with the belly dancer in the center stage while everybody empties the stage and circles you two, because they don't want to miss out on you making an Ass out of yourself, half-drunk and barely standing on your feet, set aside belly dancing!

You could be Persian,

If you rip Barbari Bread in pieces and throw them in your Clam Chowder Soup and eat it Abgushti Style!

If you enjoy Abgusht (Persian Beefy Soup) and Abgushti women (Persian Beefy women)!

If you like Chunky Little Blondes, because they have Love Handles, so you have something to hold on to!

If you are a Carnivore and you prefer Chunky Healthy Women, because they have some meat on their bones!

If you are a Chubby Chaser and a big fan of Chunky women with Chunky Beefy Thighs!

You could be Persian,

If your favorite drink is vodka.

If your favorite nonalcoholic drink is vodka lime and 7up.

If you claim that you are a nonsmoker in public, yet you smoke 3 packs a day in hiding!

If you claim that you are not an addict, yet you been smoking opium for 14 years!

If your idea of spontaneous recreational hobbies are synchronizing; drinking a half gallon bottle of Stolichnaya Russian Vodka, while smoking a $1,500 roll of Persian Opium!

You could be Persian,

If you enjoy Russian Vodka, Persian Opium, and Turkish Hashish.

If you enjoy, Persian Caviar, French Champagne, and chunky little Blondes!

If you enjoy eating young Ozonboron (sturgeon caviar fish) from Caspian Sea, young Khodka (Sea Ducks) from The North Iranian Shores, young charbroiled lamb kabobs and young Persian girls!

If you own a Persian Rug, a Persian Cat, a house in Beverly Hills, a BMW, and a Mexican voluptuous maid named Marta!

If married and spending so many nights at office having conferences with your young and beautiful secretary named Zhaleh who calls herself ZhiZhi!

You could be Persian,

If you have a wife, a mistress, a secretary, a maid, a sidekick date, a ...

If you claim that you are from one of the Royal Families of Iran.

If you claim you were a General in the Shah's military in Iran, yet now driving a taxi cab in New York!

If you claim you are of the Pahlavi Royal Family of Iran, yet sleeping in your 20 years old Porsche in Pacific Beach, California at night!

If claiming your dad was an Admiral in Persian navy and your mom was the secretary of education before the revolution, yet you are wearing torn jeans and a raggedy T-shirt, bumming at the beaches of Malibu.

You could be Persian,

If carrying the title of Doctor, Professor, Engineer, etc., before your name; however, the closest you got to a college, was peeping at the girls' dorm during your freshman year, before you dropped out and become a Grocery Store Owner and a part time politician!

If you speak 5 different languages, yet you cannot properly communicate in any of them!

If you speak English for 20 years, but in a party when one asks if you would like to have an orange or an apple? You answer: "I like from the orange better than from the apple"!

If you are a high school dropout, yet you have an opinion on every subject known in science, politics, philosophy and general information.

If you claim that you are of one of the Royal Families of Iran or somehow related to them indirectly!

You could be Persian,

If you claim to be a patriotic Persian, yet you have never crossed beyond California border lines!

If you claim to be a patriotic American and want to support the economy. Yet there is a Beemer, a Mercedes, and a Porsche parked in your 3 car garage home!

If you live in a studio apartment with no furniture and have no bank account, yet own a new BMW!

If you do not have a job, yet you manage to have a winter home at La Jolla Beach, a summer villa in South of France, a house in Beverly Hills with a new Mercedes Benz parked in front of it!

If you are an engineer at daytime and a singer-entertainer at night!

You could be Persian,

If you brag about your Persian Aryan ancestry, yet you have a Jewish long nose, Arabic connected eyebrows, Mongolian eyes, dark Black features and complexion, and a Turkish looking mustache on top of it all!

If you are a short, fat, and dark Fur ball primate, with hair covering all your body and the only visible thing, is a long huge eggplant looking nose sticking out of all the hair.

If your name is Hassan and you have Seyed (Holly Arabic) Roots all the way to Muhammad The Prophet, yet you talk about your Persian Aryan ancestry which goes back to Cyrus and Darius The Great!!

If you would like to have a traditional, moral, and faithful Persian Girl as a wife, yet you can bang everyone in sight except Mother Theresa (and that's because she is dead)!

If you divorced your wife 3 years ago, but still cannot digest to see her with other men, and you still would like to "keep a relationship" with her!

You could be Persian,

If you get caught shoplifting a pair of $ 2.99 earrings, while wearing a $ 7,000 pair of gold and diamond earrings of your own!

If you preach about what a moral, decent, good old fashion Muslim you are, but at certain nights you throw bashes with booze, opium, Ham Hors d'oeuvres  and Pizzas with guests including neighbor's and friend's wives!

If you are a Muslim and are really concern about eating Halaal and non-pork food, yet guzzling down Persian Mortadella (a Deli Meat with pieces of garlic, pistachio and Pork-Fat), like there is no tomorrow!

If you claim that you are a social drinker; however, you get dragged home by friends while Shiite-faced and still trying to guzzle down your 20th shot of vodka with a beer chaser at the Persian Cabaret!

If going to church at daytime, drinking and smoking with co-workers at happy hours after work, banging neighbor's wife at night, and seeing no contradiction amongst these acts!

You could be Persian,

If you try to harmonize by wearing a Persian Zoroastrian Faravahar holy 22K gold necklace on Mondays, a Muslim Allah 22K gold necklace on Tuesdays, a Christian Catholic Cross 22K gold necklace on Wednesdays, a Jewish Hebrew Star of David 22K gold necklace on Thursdays, a ...

If you are still bitching about how the Islamic Republic repossessed all your real-estate in Iran, while you own a house in La Jolla, San Diego, Villa in Florida, Winter Cottage in Rio, and a summer home in South of France!

If your diamond ring must be larger and a better quality than your neighbor's, and so does your Beemer!

If you enjoy sharab (wine), Kabob, Persian Dance Music, and healthy mini-skirt wearing high school girls with Abgushti legs (chunky white thighs)!

If you assume that you are a great poet but in fact you write Haziyan incoherent frantic rhetoric, while having fever due to drinking too much Duq (Persian yogurt drink)!

You could be Persian,

If you are a Charlatan but you call yourself an attorney!

If you are fixing Green Cards for people but you call yourself a paralegal!

If you are a paralegal but you call yourself a lawyer!

If you are an injury lawyer but you call yourself a Criminal Lawyer!

If you are an ambulance chaser but you call yourself Perry Mason and Johnny Cochran!

You could be Persian,

If your nick name is Doctor, but you work in a Chelo Kaboby (Persian restaurant) in the kitchen!

If they call you General, and you own a Persian grocery store in the military district of San Diego!

If you always wear soccer shorts, even while you are Shiite-faced in the parties, insisting that you are an athlete!

If you have changed 5 political ideologies and 4 different religions during the last 3 years, yet you insist calling this pattern: "Change for better-ness" and "Evolution"!

If you read 2 Rakat Namaz prayer during the day, but you had hangover, so you left the 3rd Rakat to be read at night while watching the Burlesque show at Cabaret Tehran in LA!

And last but not least,

You could be Persian,

If you either own a Persian; Rug Gallery, Grocery Super Market, Restaurant, Car Dealership, Cab or Shuttle Company; however, still claiming that you do this part time and you are really a fulltime Rocket Scientist working for NASA!

And one more time:

You could be Persian,

If you have imported a virgin child bride teenage wife, half your age from Iran because you believe the Persian girls in America are loose wenches; however, to your surprise, your child bride imported wife have used you and your money to get her college degree, get a job and then kicked you out of the house, divorced you, took half of everything and found a young boyfriend her age, all in that order!

Chew on that one if you can!

Loves and kisses

Dr. X

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