The Day I Become a Prophet!
A New Beginning for an Ultimate Alternative Faith!
September 25, 2008
L. Prophet X (Hazrat-e X) instructing the proper way of Shamboolation (prayer) to a Shamboolette!
R. A Devout Shamboolette during Shamboolation (prayer) via the use of tassles! Mamooli-s going left and right, upside down, round and round, where do they stop? No one knows!
Umma’ Al IPC:
In the name of All Mini Skirts and Beefy Thighs,
Remember this day! This is the day that I have become a prophet! So in the early hours of the day, past midnight, I was sitting in my Gym (1/3 of the 3 car garage turned to a Gym Room), having insomnia, listening to a heavy electric blues tune by Stevie Ray Vaughn blasting a 12 string lead guitar singing Flood in Texas in his Texas Heavy Guitar Blues style, watching the late version of “Justice League America” Super Heroes by DC Comics on Cartoon Network and weight lifting, working on the abs, when it all revealed to me!
I am a multi tasker and while multi tasking, a light had formed above my head and the bells started to ring:
Ding Dong, Dalang Dulung …….
I figured that all these prophets had a special relationship with a God, like Lord, Yahweh, Allah, etc. So why not me?! And that is when "JooJoo" came to me! Why JooJoo, you ask?
JooJoo = Joo + Joo
One Joo, is for "Jews", who control the world's economy!
One Joo, is for "JooJoo Beans" (Ju Ju Beans), which I like as my favorite candy!
That makes the "JooJoo"!
So JooJoo came to me in my state of:
"insomniac, blue, Super Hero Anime, weight lifting, testosterone, adrenaline, early morning Blues"! It called the San Diego Blues!
While I was having them early morning Blues, JooJoo came to me and said:
J: Hey Sonny, why don't you become a "new and improved prophet"?
For background info, check:
New Improved Prophets for Persians!
X: Oh great JooJoo, is that you?
J: Yes Dark One, it is JooJoo and he is nominating you as his new Prophet.
X: Why me, oh great JooJoo?
J: Because you have the potential and charisma to con people and ride the masses if you want to.
X: But I am an honest man, and prophets are all a bunch of Charlatans!
J: Not JooJoo's prophets! Those were other Gods’ prophets.....
X: If you say so JooJoo.
J: JooJoo says so.
........and the vision of JooJoo had suddenly disappeared!
I had always searched for solutions:
The Final Sexual Solution for Zeros (2000s)!
Now it was time to act!
So I figured, who am I to dispute the Great JooJoo? If JooJoo wants me to be the new prophet to lead the mankind to salvation, then it shall be! But hey, I need a miracle! I mean if,
Moses had split the Red Sea and turned a cane to a snake and............
Jesus walked on the water and healed the ill and..........
Mohammed created Quran (even in his illiterate state) and behalfed the Moon (Shaq ol Qamar) and .......
Jimmy cracked corn and ……
Al Gore created the Internet and the Global Warming and ….
Then for sure I am in need of a Miracle! What to do, what to do?
And then it all came to me!
There it was:
"The Miracle of Shambool"!
I am a kind of prophet that expresses himself with his shambool! One minute the Shambool is all limp and then the next minute, a chunky little blonde passes by on the campus and the Shambool gets all hot and bothered and fully Erected! Hey, in this day and age of preservatives, hormone foods, artificial nutrition, junk food and liquidy vegetable oils (Roqan Nabati),..............that people are in need of Viagra, Vitamin E, Ecstasy and Extense herbal enlarger, it is certainly a miracle that one's shambool gets fully erected with a snap of a finger and without the use of any stimulants! In 21sth century, I call that a miracle and so does the Neighbor's daughter down the street!
And that is how, it all came to me! I will be the new and improved Prophet "Hazrat-e X" and my miracle will be the "Miracle of Shambool"! I shall do my best to spread the words of JooJoo around the globe and with the miracle of Shambool, I shall always be here to protect and serve the "Feme Population" of the globe! But there is only one of me and all the billions of Ladies in the world! Even at the rate of one enlightenment per day which in itself is exaggeration, I still will not be able to enlighten all the ladies of the globe! What to do, what to do? So bizarre, so bizarre!
Heredity of Shambool
And that is how, I came up with the idea of "Heredity of Shambool" meaning my new religion will be referred to as:
and just like the legacy of Shiite Islam and monarchy, I would like to keep the Caliphate amongst the family and keep the Guru-hood specifically inside the family by monopolizing the prophethood and Holiness! We must get the dibs on Holiness! Therefore I need to come up with Saint-hood and start electing Saints and Imams to keep a solid Erection stable and forever strong! And my Imam's should come from the family, so the legend will go on and on and on...............like the energizer battery! And the symbol of the Energizer Rabbit it shall be, yet with an exception that this Rabbit will look more like a King Cobra!
So eventually, it all came to me in verses to erect, Oops sorry, I mean to elect my Saint Imams from the "Umma’ Al IPC", so I will keep the heredity of Saint-hood in the house and amongst our own! We will have all types of Saints! We will create female Saints like:
Hazrat-e Lori de Lushes Forouzandeh
and we will have male saints, like:
Hazrat-e Rob Ibn Al LOP
I shall create Saints by the speed of Rabbits pro creating little Rabbits! What do you know, I might even start planting some Evil Seeds in them Chunky Little Blondes to create my own Master Race of Evil, to carry my own 12 Imam-hood legacy! Why not?
I am the new and improved Prophet, Hazrat-e X
I have the Miracle of Shambool
I already have started to erect the shambool
I already started electing Imams!
What do I have, less than all these so called Ex Prophets? The only difference is that they are yesterday's news but I am Today’s Hot Stuff! I am what you call "The Heap Prophet"!
And of course I will be in need of a book! So I shall put together a bunch of nonsense like the past prophets had done, yet I shall put my Bull Shiite "Jokes/Silly Poems" section of IPC Website which so far we have been donating much Silly Nonsense to it, as a collection of my poems and humor and call it:
The "Book of Hajviyat" (Nonsense Poetry)! Yes, Book of Hajviyat, will be my holy book!
Bunch of Jews lined up much gibberish and claimed that Moses said and done so in Torah!
Bunch of Christian Saints wrote much nonsense and claimed that Jesus said and done so in Bible!
Salman Farsi, Ali and Abu Bakr created crap out of their rectums and added them to copy/pasted parts of Ancient Persian texts, Torah and Bible and then claimed that Mohammed said and done so in Quran!
Ron Hubbard wanted to start a business (Scientology) so he wrote Dianetics!
Why not me?
Mine would be Book of Hajviyat!
Book of Hajviyat
And Lori, of course would have a special place in my religion, cause she was one of the first converts to Shamboolism! She is like my Abu Bakr, Ali and Salman-e Farsi, all in one shot! Besides, she helped me writing some of this crap, Oops sorry, I mean my "Book of Hajviyat"! So Lori will be the first "Shamboolette"! Shamboolette Lori, my faithful follower of Shamboolism Neo Religion!
So from this moment, I am Glad to announce to you "Umma’ Al IPC":
My New God: JooJoo
My New Religion: Shamboolism
My Umma': Shamboolists
My Female Follower: Shamboolette
My Male Follower: Shamboolist
My New Tool to expand my Religion Globally: The Shambool
My Holy Book: Book of Hajviyat
My Imams: Hazrat-e Lori de Lushes, Hazrat-e Rob Ibn Al LOP, Hazrat-e...........
My Helpful Disciple/Co Writer: Shamboolette Lori
My Goal: To protect and serve the True Meaning of Shamboolism in our world and beyond!
My Ways of Spreading the word: The Ways of Shambool
My Utopia: A Global Passionate Orgy by the power of Shambool
My Heaven: Shambool Heaven
My Hell: Downbool (Limp) Hell!
My Reward for the faithful: 71 Houri nude Angels, 3 young Cambodian Boys, 2 Rivers of Milk and Honey, and unlimited packs of JooJoo Beans (Ju Ju Beans)! Over All, an extra unit more than what Islam had offered + a new addition of unlimited JooJoo Bean candy!
My Destiny: To Shambool the World and Beyond
My Faith: To give Orgasm to All!
My fastest and closest way to meet Lord JooJoo: To die by an overdose of "Multiple Climatic Orgasms" during a Sex Marathon Session!
My Holy Mission: To get closer to JooJoo and to get to truly know him through Sexual Devotions!
My Martyrs of Shamboolism: Those who had heart attacks and passed away during Sex Marathon Sessions.
My Suicide Shambool Bombers: The ones who randomly flash folks with their Shambool if male or Mamooli-s (Juggs) if female in the malls and shopping centers and give folks a taste of passion!
My Most Holly followers: The men with overly erected shambools and women with two hard-popping stiffened Mamooli-s!
My Word: To bring humanity together by the Ways of Shambool!
and of course,
My Prayer (Namaz or Salath): Shamboolation
My Prayer Format and Position:
For men to grab the chicken in the chokehold and for women to pinch the stiff tips of the Juggs, hard, to finely massaging their shambools or Mamooli-s round and round in a stroking format into submission to JooJoo The Mighty Lord, while raising one hand above to the sky, to grab JooJoo's Balls and one hand beneath into their short (if men) and into their shirt top and braw (if women) while squeezing the hell out of their Shambool or Mamooli-s!
Amen to that!
May this Neo Religion, be a good tool for a new world order to be established in the name of JooJoo and for the faithful Umma' of Shamboolists.
May the Power of Shambool be with you..............
Hazrat-e X bless you my children
We are all one, and we are all children of JooJoo
JooJoo is passionate!
Praise JooJoo, who erected us Hazrat-e X
Praise Hazrat-e X who erected us Shamboolism
Long Live Shamboolism!
Ain’t religion the greatest tax free business on earth?
Va Aleikom ol Shambool