Reminiscing With God!
April 22, 2008
A while back, a friend of mine, a dear friend of mine had connected with me through the Video Net Meeting, he called me from Tehran, this conversation was quite an episode! I also need to mention that every time we get together in person or electronically, our lingo is a cross over between English, Spanish, Persian and Arabic!
y. Dear Dr. X how the hell are you?
x. Hello chuck, how are you?
y. Seen better days X!
x. What’s the deal chuck?
y. God damn illiterate bastards, primitive sons of bitches....
x. Who? What?
y. Fanatical Islamic bull sh.t government.....
x. Hey nobody forced you to go there now, did they?
y. Shut up you God damn sarcastic bastard.....
x. Wow Nelly, he is on the role today!
y. The hell with this, I cannot live here, so Fu..ing primitive, so backwarded, so....
x. You know What’s the problem with you?
x. You do this every other year, you go there for a visit, the first month is one big party, you have a ball, party with all the friends and visiting all the family, indoor concerts, dancing, cruises, trips to Caspian Sea shores, trips to south, Esfahan, Shiraz, girls in Tehran, Girls in small towns, girls on the way to Bandar Pahlavi (Anzali), one big ball!
x. So your first call to us here would be about how great Iran is, everything has changed, the whole country is different, things are looking up, more democracy, country looks nice, everything is beautiful, and you go on and on about "I think I stay here and get a job and a house and live here."
x. Life is one big party and you just love it over there
x. Second month comes, all the parties, all the family and friends, house riots, all the girls, trips, shores, all and all finishes, everybody goes back to normal way of life, Persian Hospitality runs out and you face the real life in Iran!
y. Ye I know...
x. Then you need to start waiting in lines, bread lines, Taxi lines, bus lines, administrative lines at government offices, lines at city hall, lines at water company, lines at electric company, lines at phone company, lines at foreign ministry, lines at medical clinic, lines at doctor, lines at courthouse, lines at judiciary, lines at properties clerk, lines at Sabt office, lines at building codes office, lines at employment office, lines at post office, lines at fuel distributor, lines....
y. Shut up please, I called you to forget the problems here, you are making me more depressed!
x. Lines at ...
y. Stop, just stop, Raftam Khuneye Khaleh delam va she, khaleh chosid, delam pusid!
x. OK I guess you got the message.
y. Yes, yes I did
x. Next thing you know, you must start bribing everybody, so you don’t have to stay in lines! Everyone is corrupt, but you must bribe them with finesse and gently under the table, or else if you do it in wide open, they will get their feelings hurt and they will never attend to your business!
y. Oh for God’s sake stop it, I don’t want to hear any more!
x. So by the second month, that the harsh reality of Iran including the lines, shortages, job issues, briberies, insecurity, lack of safety, dealing with bunch of idiot religious fanatics in all aspects of life hits you right in your forehead, then you start calling us here and complain for hours about how Fu..ed up is the whole system over there, and you cannot live there no more!
x. See this is not your first time, not even second time, you been doing this sh.t on and on and on, what the hell is wrong with you?
y. I don't know, maybe I think, things will finally change, maybe these bastards finally change, maybe I am too optimistic!
x. No you are a fool, a dreaming fool!
y. You are right, I don't know, maybe I think too positive!
x. Maybe you need a psychologist?
y. Oh F..k, I don't know!
x. Haji, get a reality check, before the next time you do this, cause every time you do this, you waste a bunch of money, time, a good job in states, a beautiful loving woman who loves you in states, you lose money by selling everything here so cheap, and you go there to an unknown future, hoping that those Islamic Animals over there became civilized and Iran is a democracy now, are you mental?
y. I guess
x. Then for God’s sake see a doctor!
y. F..k God too
x. Why F..k God?
y. It’s all his F..king fault!
x. God’s F..king fault?
y. Ye that f..king God.....
y. See, sometimes I do reminiscing with him
x. With God?
x. But your a f..king Atheist?
y.I know but sometimes I still do reminiscing with him
x. About what?
y. About the whole Jalopy
y. The whole shebang
y. Oh screw you
x. Screw me?
y. You ass
x. I didn’t know you’re also a homo?
y. Will you ever get serious?
x. OK seriously tell me all about it?
y. OK, see, I tell God; the generation before us lived happily ever after in Iran, those sons of bitches had it all, they had a ball, daddy's and mommy's connections, they all became Vakil and Vazir, Congressmen and Secretaries and ministers of Government. They lived, loved, screwed, partied, and really lived it up in Iran during the Shah, you know what I mean, a house in Tehran, a mansion in Karaj, Villa in Bandare Pahlavi at Caspian Sea shores, a cottage in Khark Island Persian Gulf, work in Tehran, vacations in Khark, and Caspian Sea shores, parties at all times, girls coming out of their ears, spending money like throwing trash away, .........., you know?
x. Ye I know
y. So they lived it up, they traveled the whole country, lived around the whole Iran, really lived it up in Iran, when Iran was prosperous and livable, right?
y. Be ma ke resid hame chi be fana raft, son of a bitch....
y. When it came to our turn, IRI came to power! Everything got f..ked!
x. It’s our fathers’ fault
y. Ye sons of bitches handed the country to Mullahs and Zeynabs
x. Ye crimes of the fathers!
y. Especially those bastards who were cheering for that goor be goor shodeh Khomeini!
x. Those bastards
y. Those Assholes….
x. Those bald headed bastard Jebheis and Tudehis…
y. Stop patronizing me X
x. Sorry just feeling for you!
y. Then when revolution happened, they all fled and they are doing fine now, they are doing great outside, and even if they are not doing fine, and many have to work hard as a dog now and run like a dog in the West, yet they already had lived it up in Iran, they even had those afternoon naps, those afternoon sleep breaks which they used to take, remember?
x. Ye sons of bitches would close the businesses, or come from private businesses or government offices to home, just to take them afternoon naps!
y. Ye remember?
x. Well, I didn't use to take them myself, I was busy chasing servants’ girls
y. You bastard, at that age?
x. Ye, been chasing girls since youth, started early!
y. So you see they already lived it up there, even if they have to work and stress up hard now in the states, you know?
x. Ye true
y. Also the generation after us, you know the generation who never saw the livable Iran, the civilized Iran, like at the Shah's time, well they never seen better than this sh.t, they really think that this is it! Life is one big miserable headache, slavery, work, work, and more work, nothing to do, no where to go, no fun, everything is dirty and filthy, and everything is Aba o Amameh, rish o pashm, you know?
x. Ye I know
y. See X, they do not know better, cause they have not seen better, so they do not miss it, cause they think this is it, this miserable life in Iran has always been like this and will be like this, so they got used to it!
x. I see
y. So they adapted to this sh.t, they just get along, they bribe officials, work 3 jobs, no time to rest, they run around at all times, put up with all the insults from hezbollahi morons and illiterate idiots, kiss pasdars’ asses, pretend they are good Muslims, wait in all these lines and do not have much expectations from life!
x. I dig your point
y. So they are living and they are fine, cause they haven't seen better.
y. But our generation got screwed big time, we got shafted bad, we are the F..ked up ones....
x. Ye we got both ends of the two headed Shiite stick!
y. Ye we got shafted so hard up our butts.....
x. Ye they really gave it to us
y. Oh shut up, you and your sense of humor
x. OK tell me?
y. See, we are the f..ked up generation, the doomed generation, neither lived it up over there during the Shah, and neither got adapted to the Islamic Republic and this f..king regime like the generation after us did. We cannot live here and have fun, neither we can live in states without getting home sick and wanting to live here just like the generation before did!
y. See when it came to our turn, God shafted us!
x. Are you sure it was him?
y. See I reminisce with God, and ask him, why should this bull sh.t happen during our generations’ life time?
x. Well, it had to happen during some generations’ life time, no?
y. Ye but why us? Why should Iran get f..ked up during our turn? Why not in the future? Why we should pay for unworthiness of our parents to hand the country to Islamic Bull sh.t? Why us? We didn't get to have our peace of the pie?
x. Well, actually, I am having some strawberry Cream Pie over here and right now, would you like some?
y. Bastard, keep on being an ass h.le
x. I didn't know it is possible for a human to become an ass h.le!?
y. See I want what was coming to me?
x. And now you have to settle for rish o pashm coming your side! Maybe some shaliteh Tonban too!?
y. See, I want my share of the ball, you damn God? Are you up there you god damn God?
x. I am up in San Diego my son, soon I will eat some of your strawberry Cream Pie, the same pie which I did not send to you in Iran. But you know I have allergy to the dairy products, I cannot have dairy! Sharks, what am I to do? I guess I’ll give this pie to my dog, as long as you are not here!
y. God why me, why my generation? God do you hear you unfair bastard?
x. Hey I think he is busy spanking Khomeini for creating this sh.t!
y. Oh God, Oh God, I am tired! (he is really getting out of control now!)
x. Hey how about the pie?
y. Oh God you unfair bastard.... (I think he lost his sanity, he is screaming in the microphone now!)
x. Down boy, get a hold of your shorts!
y. I am sick of this sh.t
x. I know
y. I am tired
x. I know, but do you want some pie or dog gets it?
y. I want my share
x. Your share is going to the dog, if you don't come home soon, jump in the plane and come back to Poppa X, then the doggie will eat your share….
y. It’s not that easy those bastards got my passport, something to do with the visa, I don't know, I got to go pay more bribes to get it back and then get the hell out of here!
x. Never give your passport to anybody, you might not see it again, do you know how much an American passport costs in Iran, an American Citizen's passport, you fool?
y. I know I made a mistake
x. Well, too late, as long as you will be a while, your share of the pie goes to the dog!
y. Oh God…
x. Come here doggie, here’s his piece of the pie…… eat it…..
y. God, life is not fair, I did not get my share?
x. Well, the dog got it and she is one happy dog now, boy!
y. Fu.k you
x. Thanks but there are couple of ladies here getting sun tan at the pool, I prefer them over you!
y. You ass h.le
x. Oh life is hard, and then we learn the hard way
y. You bastard
x. Life is a bitch and then we die!
y. OK I gonna go cry now.
x. Hey don't waste them tears, at least go to Imam Reza's shrine and cry for him, haji!
y. Muy bendejo
x. Hasta la vista baby
y. I call you before I get there
y. Pray for me
x. To Satan?
y.Ok see ya later
x. Hope you learned something this time
x. Until IRI goes, you will not be able to live there
y. Ye ye ye I guess
x. Ye until in two years which you will do this sh.t again!
y. Ciao X
x. Arrivederci Y
Compiled from conversation on video net meeting between X & Y