- Lori Forouzandeh Humor
Written and compiled by
Here are some
actual consumer warnings I've encountered, ENJOY!!!!!!!
On a Sear's
hairdryer:....Do not use while sleeping.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of
Fritos:...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of
Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how???....)
On some Swanson
frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost! ."
(But, it's *just* a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu
dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh - a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &
Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...And you thought????...)
for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children
Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those
On Nytol Sleep
Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(And...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands
of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese
food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now - somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American
Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's
superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish
chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere? I would
prefer to stop mine with a few whole individuals my self....no names
Hope it made
answering machine at the Psychiatric Hospital
and welcome to the Psychiatric Hospital Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key
until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number and mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to YOU.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down &
cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
IF THERE'S ANYONE I'VE NOT OFFENDED, PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES...
only WOMEN know how to USE! :-)
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to
describe how a woman looks; this will cause you to have one of those
MINUTES." This is half an hour. It is equivalent
to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before
you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman
has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last
"Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."
AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows).
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows).
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because
I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead"
in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.
AHEAD" (With Lowered Eyebrows).
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty
SIGH!* This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A *Loud Sigh* means she thinks
you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SIGH.* Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement.
*Soft Sighs* mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move
or breathe, and she will stay content.
OKAY." This is one of the most dangerous statements
that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that
she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever
it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used
with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
DO." This is not a statement, it is an offer. A
woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or
reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You
have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't
get a "That's Okay."
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say, "You're welcome."
A LOT." This goes much deeper than "Thanks."
A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked
off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous
way, and will be followed by the *Loud Sigh.* Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
tell you, "Nothing."