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Those Funny Crazy Persians: Part 13

Only in Iran
Those Funny Crazy Persians: Part 13
Ahreeman X
November 12, 2014

Iranian Military Anti Aircraft, Ground to Air, Mobile Donkey Unit, Islamic Republic of Iran Era
* Unit is the perfect fit for mountain and prairie campaigns thus it blends in to the surrounding
* Unit is biological so in times of gas shortage, it doesn’t take any gasoline to operate
* The Donkey Jockey is Lor; the Lor donkey jockeys are expert riders
* The Lor rider is armed with side pistol to defend the unit in case of close ground attack
* The Gunner is Kurd; the Kurd gunners are expert standing shooters
* The baggy Kurdish pants allows the gunner’s balls to cool off, so he can keep a clear head
* The Unit is logistically light and mobile, perfect for auxiliary or artillery performance
* Donkey’s long ears are angled backward, so you know that he is a Pure Persian Donkey (Olaq-e Dorosteh!)

New Mobile and Wireless Persian Donkey Back System 2.0
Iranians are Hi Tech people, even the World Famous Persian Donkey Jockeys are Computer Experts!

Persian Donkey Drive through Public Phone

Excuse me, but you put the Allah Logo of the IRI Flag smacked right on top of your crotch!
Please have some respect for the Islamic God and the Islamic Flag!
Allah bless you my daughter!

Pre Operational Iranian Transsexual
“Iran is the primary destination for the cheap Sex Change Operations in the World.” (Media)
“Imam Khomeini blessed Transsexuals while banned Gays.” (Media)
Javar (Gay pronunciation of Jaffar): This is my Kuni-Gary (Gay) picture with Kakoli (Rooster Crown) hairdo and Faggish getup!
My name was Javar.

Post Operational Iranian Transsexual
Javar: This is my picture after the operation, ain’t I cute? Do you notice any difference between before and after? They say I look the same but at least one thing changed: My name was Javar but now it's Joojoo!

Khamenei Picture on the wall: Joojoo jan, be a good Muslim. Don’t be gay like me, be a good tranny Muslim. Gay is Haraam but Tranny is Halaal. Imam Khomeini was very passionate about Trannys. It’s too late for me to change because I’m too old but praise be upon Allah, you have saved your soul by sex change operation. You see, we both enjoy Kharzeh in our rectums but my way is Islamically incorrect, yet your way is Islamically correct. Down with Kuni-gary, long live Chicks with Dicks! Allah blesses Trannys!

Iranian Social Networking Bimbo (Dust-e Ejtema’i)
Head to Toe Fake (plastic surgery, implants, colored hair, colored lenses, etc.)
In today’s IWI (Islamic Whorehouse of Iran), sophisticated people (both men and women) are married, yet they also have Social Networking Friends (Dust-e Ejtema’i) which means Sex Friends! Marriages are open and they openly have sex with other partners unless, they are Fanatical Muslims and in that case, only the man has up to 4 Aqdi (permanent wives) and as many Siqeh (Temporary wives); of course the wives also do Tak Paruni (side bang) with the help or anyone they can get their hands on! And they say Iran is a backward nation! The nerves of them! Iran is far advanced than Europe and even America (at least in Sexual Aspect)!

Obama is whose Bitch?!
Putin: Obama is my Bitch …
Rouhani: Hell no, Obama is my Bitch …

Putin: I bitch slapped that bitch back to Western Europe …
Rouhani: I bitch slapped that bitch all the way back to Washington DC and then I went to his house in New York (UN) and pissed on his face …

Putin: I bent that Chocolate Boy backward and forward, then I bitch slapped him out of the Eastern Europe. I made him pack his ballistic missiles and nukes, put them on his shoulder and then kicked him out of the Eastern Europe. The Eastern Europe is my domain.
Rouhani: That’s nothing! I bent that Dhimmi Boy over and I shoved my sword of Islam deep in to his Mataht (rectum). After spending billions of dollars, decade of war and tens of thousands of American lives, I kicked his ass out of Syria and Iraq. Both Syria and Iraq are my domains.
Putin: I made that Negro my Bitch. I invaded and taken over Georgia, then established a puppet regime there; I invaded Ukraine, taken over the Crimean Peninsula and that Negro couldn’t do Jack Shiite! Top that if you can?
Rouhani: After decades of playing games, I finally forced that Jigaboo to accept me as a nuclear power. Obama bowed to me, bent over, opened wide and satisfied my anal desires! Now whose Bitch is Obama?
Putin: We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy (bowing down), OK Hassan, you won, I can’t top that! I admit Obama is your Bitch, but from time to time, would you kindly loan him to me, so I can Bitch slap him and do the nasty to his butt?
Rouhani: What the hell Vlad, how can I say no to such a great friend like you? OK Vlad, you can have him in the Moscow on the weekends but make sure that every Monday morning he is present in Tehran for his weekly sexual duties. That Dhimmi Boy gives mighty fine BJs, he got luscious livered lips and deep throat! That’s right baby, Obama’s my Bitch!
Putin: Hey Hassan, what’s one little Negro Bitch between old friends? We’ll share that Chocolate Boy! Iranian generosity is world famous and you are a true Iranian friend.
Rouhani: Thanks Vlad, next time we gotto bet on who can shove it deeper in Obama’s Tabouli!
Putin: Hey, I can shove deeper; we Russians have thick schlongs …
Rouhani: Bull Shiite, us Persians have long and passionate Kharzeh …
Putin: I can shove it deeper in Obama’s …
Rouhani: Hell no, I can rip that chocolate Boy apart, that’s how deep I can go …
Putin: Really? How deep can you shove it to Obama?
Rouhani: Deeper than you can …
Putin: Hey enough of this argument, let’s shove it to Obama as long as we can, before the Republicans take over the White House. They just took over the House and Senate. Once they take over the White House, Party is over and Americans will kick ass again! Remember Reagan?!

“Diplomatic Meeting between Iran and Russia went well.” (Media)
“Various global issues have been discussed between Iran and Russia.” (Media)
Rouhani: Doolam didi (Have you seen my Schlong)?
Putin: Why, did it change since last meeting?!
Rouhani: Yeh, I been taking Viagra and essence of Rhinoceros horn!
Putin: … and?
Rouhani: … and Haji Kuchike (junior pilgrim) got harder and more passionate!
Putin: Get out …
Rouhani: C’mon, I have my hand on it so he won’t rise up and embarrass me in public! You wanna touch it? C’mon gimme your hand, put it on him and feel the power …
Putin: Not in public you perverted old fool …
Rouhani: OK, when we get back to the Presidential Palace, I’ll show you …
Putin: Just make sure you gimme the list of the meds you been taking. You use awesome Schlong meds …
Rouhani: Ok you Russian Horny Bear …
Putin: OK you Persian Predator …

Rafsanjani: Hamin juri kiri kiri president shodi! Cheesy Easy, just like that you become president! It was my turn!
Rouhani: why not, you fool? I’m younger than you, prettier than you and more passionate than you. My shambool is also healthier than yours! You already had your turn once; it was my turn to Rock and Roll!

Segregated Namaz Prayer even in the street!
Hojaj (plural for Haji = Junior Pilgrim) keep the sheet up good so nobody can take a little peekalou of the other side!

Beautiful Iranian Toilet before decoration …

Beautiful Iranian Toilet after decoration …
Ba Jamal-e Bi Mesal-e Ayatollah Khamenei
(With magnificient and unique look of the Imam Khamenei)

 … and the winner of this year’s “Hairy Persian Bear” Contest is “Abbas Pashmak” (Cotton Candy Abbas). After his preparation shower for the contest, two plumbers had to clean the drain and take out 2 pounds of hair! Naqb zadand, 2 kilu pashm dar avordand!

The wonderful Tehran Traffic Chaos at one of the circles!
Can you even find 2 cars that are going the same direction?
It’s an absolute Zoo out there!

Iranian Dual Safe Bike Riding!
The person at the back has a job to watch the rolls and make sure the rolls don’t drop in the street and cause a crash! But who’s watching him?!

Iranian Sheep Biker!
Taking the sheep for sacrificial slaughter but we only had one sheep helmet for safety!
Ahreeman Joon: Didn’t I tell you it’s a Zoo out there? Tehran’s Traffic, nowhere in the world can top it, not even Mexico City!

Iranian Sacrificial Sheep: I untied myself, I bitch slapped those two fools, stole their bike, left them in Tehran and ran away to Caspian Sea Shores for safe haven! They got their eyes off of me for a second and I showed them what an Iranian Escape Artist Sheep is all about!

“Iranian Voting Booth Attendants have a crucial job of watching over the voting boxes.” (Media)
“Iranian Opposition refers to the Election as the “Selection.” (Media)
“Ahreeman X refers to the Election as the “Erection”, because Imam “Erects” the candidates via his Erected Shambool!” (Media)
Iranian voting booth attendants on guard duty!
Akbari: No one is voting in the Election, things are all quiet, so let’s take an afternoon nap ... Z Z zzz
Asqari: I’m on top of it … Z  Z Z zzzz …

Father and Son Quality Time in Iran!
Son: would someone get this Narr-e Khar (Huge Male Donkey) off of my swing, so I can swing?! Frankly I’m tired of pushing this Narr-e Gav (Huge Bull)!

Iranian Fathers are very protective, caring and considerate towards their sons!
Father: Do you see anything son? How the hell my ring dropped in there?!

Iranian Fathers were selected as the Global Fathers of the year!
Father: Sorry son, due to inflation, we didn’t have enough meat in the Qeymeh Stew to eat with our rice, so I guess we just have to eat you!

Asqar Gambu (Fat Asqar): You see, I’m very Khigi (fat), I enjoy a big meal and after the meal, I enjoy a nice Qalyan (Hookah) with apple Tobacco, and Samovar ready Persian Darjeeling Tea with Hell (Cardamom) …

At the Persian Teahouse
Qahvechi (Teahouse Servant): They just emergency called me from Asqar Gambu’s house, Asqar drank a Samovar full of tea with a bucket of Qands (Sugar Cubes); there’s no tea left for the guests, so we have to deliver tea for the guests to the house!

Persian Dance DJ, Dahati (village) Style!

Iranian Equal Rights for Women!
Cab Driver: Paykan has a hell of a time going uphill, hey sisters will you push harder? Who said there are no equal rights for women in Iran?!

Persian Ingenuity!
Artistic and Practical Persian Truck Driver figured the best way to carry all of those Kharbozeh Persian Melons in his small truck to the Bazaar Miveh (Fruit Market)!

We thought we could cross the stream with our Paykan but we got stuck like Persian Donkeys in the quicksand! Mesl-e Khar tu gel mundim!
Ahreeman Joon: Excuse me but do you realize that this is a Paykan and not a jeep?!

Made in Iran Front Axel and Steering Shaft!
Only in Iran baby, only in Iran!

In our beautiful Persian park, we have provided areas not just for the tired truck drivers to rest, but also for the trucks to rest!

Iranian Lamborghini!
We couldn’t afford importing a Lamborghini from Italy so we converted the Paykan to a Lamborghini!

“Iran follows the US Lead making Hollywood Style Action Thrillers.” (Media)
“The movie First Move was a flop in the Asian Box Offices.” (Media)
Rajab (behind the lap top): Hey guys, let’s act very American so maybe we can sell this Iranian cheesy spoof as a Hollywood style action thriller.
Soqi Joon (Soqra): But what we gonna do about these stupid looking hejab headgears?!

“Iranian movie First Move is predicted to break all records at the box office!” (Media)
Soqi Joon: Hey don’t laugh; do you know how hard it was to import an American Muscle Car to Iran? With no parts due to sanction and high tariff at customs, importing a new American car can break your back, but if you wanna produce an Iranian cheesy replica version of a Hollywood Action Thriller, then you must have the Muscle Car!

“Iranian Action Thriller movie First Move hits the screen worldwide!” (Media)
An eye opening part from First Move
Kazem Bache Baz (Kazem the Old Pervert on the right): I’ll tell you 2 good things and both are for your benefit; either let me bang you up the shiiter or bang me up the shiiter?!
(Bebin 2 chize khub behet migam va har 2 be naf’ete; ya ye kun be man bedeh, ya bia ye rah kun-e man bezar?!)

Behzad Soosool (left): Eh! That wasn’t a part of the script Haji!

Store Sign: Portable Qalyan (Hookah Water Pipe) has arrived?!!
 “No one will be alone anymore”
Ahreeman Joon: Excuse me but what the Hell is the Portable Qalyan? Is it a mini Qalyan to go?! I mean all Qalyans are portable! Do we have a non portable Qalyan that I should know of? What is a non-portable Qalyan? Is it stuck to your desk?! What the hell!

“Christiane Amanpour interviews the Iranian President Hassan Rouhani.” (Media)
“Christian Amanpour the Liberal Pro Appeasement journalist is sweet on Mullahs. She gives great reviews plus easy interviews and Mullahs shower her with valuable Persian gifts!” (Media)
Amanpour: Now let’s face it, weren’t the election candidates pre-selected?
Rouhani: Abbas turn off the cameras, now off the record, listen bitch, you are our bitch in America. Your job and CNN’s job is to be Devil’s Advocates, Islamic Apologists, Appeasement Justifiers, and Good Liberals! Now do your job and gimme a BJ at the backroom. Hey Javad, make sure to load up Ms. Amanpour’s car with 22 Karat gold Persian jewelry, handmade antique Persian Carpets, handcrafted Persian art, Persian Gold Caviar containers and a few cases of that special Jumbo Persian Pistachios which Rafsanjani sent from Kerman, pronto ASAP!

After the Interview
Christiane Amanpour: Sorry for the misunderstanding and stepping out of line, please forgive me your Excellency.
Rouhani: Don’t sweat it; later on at night, come to the garden and take care of Haji Kuchike (Junior Pilgrim AKA Presidential Schlong), all will be forgiven baby. Faqat shab bia baq!
Amanpour: thank you for granting me the interview; this does miracles for my rating.
Rouhani: Not to worry, Liberalism and Islamism go hand in hand, we gotto scratch each other’s back baby …

“Imam Khamenei had a prostate and rectum surgery.” (Media)
“Iranians were so excited and hoping for Khamenei to die during the operation!” (Media)
English Version
Secret Conversation at The hospital, after the prostate and rectum surgery
Rouhani: Ya Imam, you had a lot of anal activities when you were young and now you gotto pay for it. Paybacks are a bitch! We have a Persian Expression which says: the money from anal sex will be spent on hemorrhoids removal!
Khamenei: I know, I know, good old times. My prostate still itches for some Islamic Bangarooni but my ass cannot take it anymore! Damn with the old age!
Rouhani: You used to be Imam Khomeini’s favorite Boy Toy. He used to call you “Long Tall Ali”. Imam enjoyed you very much and he named you in his will as the inheritor of the Supreme Spiritual Leadership of Iran after his demise …
Khamenei: Imam Khomeini was very generous and very hard on my prostate! Allah bless his soul, he was the Master of Lavat (Islamic Halaal Anal Sex). Imam was so heavy, deep, passionate and expert in the fine art of Sweet Lavat (Amre Shirin-e Lavat), no one can take his place, not even my private IRGC guard, that rough neck “Qader the Power”!
Rouhani: Well, these are the results (Prostate Surgery) and rewards (Supreme Spiritual Leadership) of a lifetime of Islamic Bangarooni for the Kuni (Faggot)!
Khamenei: Allah is passionate too!
Rouhani: Allah is Great and Khomeini is the Leader; Praise be upon Allah.

Persian Version
Secret Conversation at The hospital, after the prostate and rectum surgery
Rouhani: Ya Imam, shoma javunit kheyli kun dadi, hala bayast taqas pas bedi! Be qol-e ma’ruf, pul-e kun dadan, kharj-e babasil misheh!
Khamenei: Yadesh be kheyr, doran-e tala’i-ye kun dadan! Man hanuz bud-budam misheh, laken kun digar Qodrat-e kun dadan ro nadareh, paregi va piri bad dardiye!
Rouhani: Shoma yek omr be Imam Khomeini kun dadi va Iran ro abad kardi. Imam be shoma migoft “Ali Bolandeh”. Baraye zahamat-e shoma, Imam shoma ro janeshin-e khod kard va shoma Velayat-e Faqih-e kol-e keshvar shodid!
Khamenei: Imam besiyar ba hal va shahvani be ma hal midad! Imam Zakar ol Ozama bud. Hich kharzehi, Kharzeh Imam nemishavad, hata Kharzeh in pasdar-e qoltashan-e man, “Qader Kolofteh”!
Rouhani: Natije-ye akhlaqi migirim ke natije-ye yek omr kun dadan, amal-e prostat hast va dastmozd-e yek omr kun dadan, Velayat-e Faqih-e kol-e keshvar hast!
Khamenei: Allah ham ahl-e hal va ahl-e beyt ast!
Rouhani: Allah O Akbar, Khomeini Rahbar …

After the Prostate Surgery
Rouhani: Now go to sleep Imam, just relax, you had a lot of prostate and rectum pressure for one day!

New Shiite Shrine of Imam Khamenei’s Rectum (Emamzadeh Kun-e Aqa)!           
After the Prostate Surgery
Khamenei: Hey doctor, bring in all the Ulama …
Rafsanjani: How are you my friend?
Khamenei: this ass will never be like new again. Once you do surgery, the body part will never be the same again …
Rafsanjani: not to worry, I have faith in your rectum. Through the years, it has been proven that it can well stretch to wondrous sizes!
Khamenei: I have a wish …
Rafsanjani: What is your wish my friend?
Khamenei: If I die, make sure that Umma’ will make a Shiite Shrine for my Ass and please put my Ass inside the Zarih fenced with gold, for the good Shiite to go round and round around it, touch the gold fence and read a Salavat prayer for my Ass, will ya?!
Rafsanjani: Not to worry, a veteran old Fag like you will never die, but just in case, your wish is my command, consider it done. I will personally take on the challenge of building the New Shiite Shrine of Imam Khamenei’s Rectum (Emamzadeh Kun-e Aqa)! After all, they call me “Master of Construction (Sardar-e Sazandegi)!
Khamenei: Once a dog died in some Dahat village and the good Shiite Umma' built him a shrine and started worshiping the new shrine named “Doggy Imam’s Shrine”!
The good Shiite builds a Shrine for everyone, why not my Ass? Allah bless you and Allah bless my Ass!

After the Prostate Surgery
Rafsanjani: Allah bless you my friend. You know, we’re not getting any younger! I’m getting old and you’re still alive! Haji, I just wonder when you gonna die so I can become the new Supreme Spiritual Leader? Haji, to key kapu mizani?
Khamenei: No such luck, never my friend, never … I will live forever and ever …

At the Iranian Coffee shop: Iranian Coffee Shop Menu
So what are we gonna have: Mocha Frappuccino, Café Late, Café Mocha, Turkish coffee, French coffee, Espresso, Nescafe, Hot Chocolate, American coffee, ….. hey wait a second, what’s that say?
“Something Tasty”?
What the hell is something tasty? How do we know it’s tasty? It could be Shambool-e Moula Ali (Imam Ali’s Schlong)!

“Iranian Morality Police confiscates TV Satellites so the good Iranians do not watch the Great Satan’s American programming!” (Media)
New Iranian Satellite TV Dish Design: Camouflaged Dish
Manizheh: Hey don’t laugh; this is the best way to protect our homemade satellite dish from both the Morality Police to confiscate and from the thieves to steal!

Iranian Beaches versus American Beaches
Morality Police: woman have you no shame, you are practically naked! Get out of the water now.
First girl to second girl: I think we’re wearing too much bathing suit; we should show more skin!

At the Iranian Caspian Sea Shores of Mazandaran
Husband: Hey woman are you skinny dipping again? Why are you showing so much skin? Your hands are not covered!

“Iran has some of the most beautiful sea shores in the world. Caspian Sea shores’ resorts are outstanding.” (Media)
Iranian Jersey Shores!
Chadori Girl in the middle: What a beautiful beach, only if we were allowed to swim like human beings in our bathing suits, then we could really enjoy it!

… and now for something totally different, please welcome:
The Iranian Batgirl with Batcycle
The First Muslim Super Heroine, Fully Hejabed and Islamically Correct!

At the Chador Fashion Boutique
Let’s see, what are our choices? Hmmm, we got:
Gulf Chador with Gems
Satin Arabic Chador
Student Chador with wrist bands
Student Chador without wrist bands
Lebanese Chador
Bla bla bla ….
One question: Do you see any difference?!

“Hooman Jafari, the Iranian Gay Pop Star is lonely!” (Media)
Hooman Jafari of the Iranian Gay Pop Stars Duo:
Kamran and Hooman AKA Gayron and Gayman
Music at the background: Sitting alone on the dark of the bay, lala lala …
Hooman: I have all these people around me but I’m lonely, I’m so alone …

“Iranian Gay Hairy Bear S&M Biker Qafar Qoltashan AKA Qafar the Thick Boned is lonely!” (Media)
Music at the background: Sitting alone on the dark of the bay, lala lala …
Qafar Qoltashan: Hey Bache Kuni, I’m also lonely and alone, why don’t we get together and I let Qafar Junior loose to rip you to shreds? Come under Qafar’s belly and let Qafar fill up your loneliness with some hardcore Hairy Bear Passion, Persian Style! C’mon boy, come on down here Hooman! Bia Qafar kuchulu ro junet bendazam!

“Iranian Gay Pop Star Duo Kamran and Hooman AKA Gayron and Gayman are wearing Faravahar Persian Armbands to make up with the Persian music fans for rambling about being Canadians rather than Persians in an interview! This interview made the Persian fans furious and they stopped buying their albums, going to their concerts and even started breaking their CDs!” (Media)
Kamran: Baba ma goh khordim, we stuck our feet in our mouths and said some shiite. Now we will eat that shiite, please forgive us, will ya?!
Hooman: Baba ma qalat kardim, we’re not just a couple of Fresh Off the Boat Qorbati Iranian Bitch boys. We’re not just a couple of westoxicated, money grubbing, opportunistic little faggots; we will never say that we are Canadians or Iranian Canadians again. We truly love Iran and Iranians.
Kamran and Hooman: Please come to our new show in Hollywood, we will shake our asses for you, all night long! Our new show is,
Jendeh-jate Ba Dool dar Aseman-e Pop Music-e Iran taqdim mikonand:
Kamran va Hooman Qonbol Show
And buy their new CD:
Bud-Budaki O Kun-Kunaki
Persian Chicks with Dicks in the Skies of Iranian Pop Music present:
The Kamran and Hooman’s Round Ass Show!
And buy their new CD:
Itchy Itchy, Buns Buns

“Iranian Gay Hairy Bears are willing to forgive Kamran and Hooman!” (Media)
Jasem Kolofteh (Thick Jasem): Itchy Itchy, Buns Buns indeed, I’ll come to the show. I’m a big fan of Kamran and Hooman. I been literally chasing their asses for a long while, I wanna show them this (pointing at what I’m packing in my leather pants)! They call me Jasem Kolofteh for a reason!

“Iranian Jahel Thugs are willing to forgive Kamran and Hooman!” (Media)
Qodrat Borj Sibil (Mustached Tower of Power): Itchy Itchy, Buns Buns baby. My name is Qodrat (Power) and they call me Borj Sibil (Tower Mustached) that makes me Qodrat Borj Sibil (Mustached Tower of Power). The secret to my power is not just in my mustache but it is also in my Moameleh down my crotch. Come here little boys Kamran and Hooman, I’ll forgive you babies, I been looking for you two. I wanna make new men out of you boys. I’ll bang yous so hard that your eyes will open wide and stay open!
I’ll come to the show but after the show, you must come to the backroom of my butcher shop! Come on boys, your lips are more voluptuous now and your faces are as smooth as baby’s butt, did you do more lip injections, augmentations and plastic surgery? Qodrat will work on you later! Joon, labatun koloft shodeh, bia kuchulu pishe Qodrat, ba’dan rut kar mikonam!

“Iranian Teahouse attendants will forgive Kamran and Hooman!” (Media)
Hamzeh Shireh (Hamzeh the Opium Juice): Ey Baba (sigh), It’s a drag getting old (piri bad dardiye)! Once upon a time, I was young and thick boned too! I could do the hanky panky, goochi moochi, and mambo tango!  Now I’m old but still I can do some moves! Hey, you know what they say: When you get too old to cut the mustard, you can leak the jar! Areh Baba joon, dud az kondeh boland mishe! Maybe I can’t do the nasty to Kamran and Hooman but I can talk about it and I can also rub myself on them butts like an old dog in heat! Itchy Itchy, Buns Buns baby!
Got the zoqal (charcoal) ready for the Fur (Opium Pipe), got to go now!

Only in Iran baby, only in Iran. To be continued ……

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