Who wants what for Nowruz?
Persian New Year Humor
Ahreemanic Nowruz Special
Ahreeman X
1st Edition: March 20, 2007 = Nowruz 2566 Shahanshahi

Persian New Year Nowruz Haft Sin

Famous Ahreemanic One Liners,
Which you gotta be quick to get it!

Hello Boys and Girls!
Hello Boils and Ghouls!
Happy Persian New Year!
So you want Eydi, haaaaaaa?
Have you been good?!
Well, it is time to ask for your Eydi presents from Poppa Ahreeman!

So without further due,
Tell Poppa Ahreeman:
Who Wants What for Nowruz?

Imam Khamenei?
A new big boned, rough-necked, muscular pasdar boy for Holy Lavat!

Rafsanjani?
A new stock option to buy Bill Gates out of Microsoft!

Khatami?
A new spine and a new smile!

Khatami Jr.?
A Hand Book: Not to follow older brother's lead!

Karroubi?
Political stability and identity!

Ex Vice President Massoumeh Ebtekar?
A Reference Book: How to sleep with useful presidents rather than Reformists (Khatami)!

Faezeh Hashemi Rafsanjani?
A new show on MTV with Paris Hilton, named: "Untalented Sluty Girls with Rich Daddies"!

Shahroodi?
An Arabic-Persian Dictionary!

Ahmadinejad?
A new face lift!

Ali Velayati?
A new Velayat (land) to move out of Iran!

Shirin Ebadi?
A new frame for her Piss Nipple Price (Peace Nobel Prize) and a pair of earplugs to not hear political prisoners' screams!

Khomeini?
Less socks Full O Shiite thrown on his grave in his shrine!

Khalkhali?
A new pitchfork puncture-proof and fireproof suit, which can resist high temperatures in Hell!

12th Imam Mahdi?
A new flashlight, to find his way out of the well!

Prophet Mohammed?
22nd wife!

Ali ibn al Abi Talib?
Kabob ibn al Kubideh!

Imam Hussein?
More Shiite to cry, mope, chest bang, head bang, chain bang and dagger bang on their heads for Ashura and Tasua!

Hazrat-e Abbas?
Couple of modern sensor chip artificial arms and hands to turn to the "6 Million Dollar Muslim Cyborg Saint"!

Imam Zeyn-ol Abedin-e Bimar?
Flu Vaccine

Imam Reza?
Bedeh dar rahe Reza?

Suicide Bombers?
73rd Virgin!

Muslim men?
5th Wife!

Muslim Apologists?
A guide for beginners on how to read Quran!

Mo'talefeh?
More Israel flags to burn!

Islamic Fundamentalists?
More American flags to burn!

Islamic Moderates?
More assets, stocks and funds for Kar Gozaran!

Islamic Reformists?
A new Civil Society and Rule of Law Slogan!

Tolab religious study students of Houzeye Elmiyeh Qom?
Wooden Dool-Allah necklaces to hang around their necks as decorative jewelry and to screw themselves in case of emergency (when Hojatol Eslams are not around)!

Basij Force?
New Long Sharp Knives + New Chomaqs (Islamic Baseball Bats)!

Ansar Hezbollah?
New copies of Mein Kampf for how to BlitzKrieg unarmed students!

Hezbollah Lebanon?
New Leather Bomb Strap-On Belts!

Sepah Pasdaran's Generals?
An Instruction Guide: How to escape accidental plane crashes and assassinations by the order of Imam, due to fear of a Coup!

Sepah Pasdaran?
An Instruction Guide: How to get their heads out of Imam's ass!

Qods Units?
Nuclear Missiles!

Marxists?
A Clue: 1980s are over, Can You Hear Me Now?!

Communists?
A News Flash: It is Zeros (2000s), we don't live in 80s anymore!

Monarchists?
A Real Shah (other than Mellow Jello Reza de Nim-Pahlavi)!

Jujeh Monarchists?
Derafsh Kaviyani Key Chains to play with!

Female Mojaheds?
New Green Islamic colored Lachaks (scarves), because the old Red ones, are the color of Marxism!

Male Mojaheds?
New pans to pan-handle at airports, train stations and bus terminals! Each pan must be made of copper with a vertical copper hand standing in the middle of the pan with written inscriptions on it which reads: "Give for sake of Rajavi"!

Fedayian?
A News Flash: Extra Extra ... Stalin is Dead!

SUMKA?
A News Flash: Extra Extra ... Hitler is Dead!

Muslim Student Association?
A News Flash: Extra Extra ... Khomeini is Dead!

Jebhe Meli inside Iran?
A Hand Book: Reforms and Democracy under Islam is a Myth!

Jebhe Meli (National Front)?
Lost Prestige!

Hezbe Tudeh (Communist Party)?
Prestige they never had!

Nehzat Azadi (Meli Mazhabi)?
A Guide Book: How to distinguish between Iran and Islam?

Iman and Alavi Foundations?
Iranian Cultural Identity!

Akbar Ganji?
Custom-made T-shirt, which reads: Born Again Reformist - Ex Hezbollah Pasdar!

Iranian Up-Position?
A ticket out of LaLa Land!

Iranian Up-Position Leaders?
More new promises to give people!

Iranian Talk-Show Hosts?
More provided Suitcases for Iranians to pack, because, this time we are surly going home!

Reza Pahlavi II?
Pair of Balls!

Yasmin Pahlavi?
A Real Man!

Princess Ashraf?
A new teenage lover!

Empress Farah Pahlavi?
A copy of: "Make up your mind, Iran or Islam?" Speech by Ahreeman X!

Imperial Generals still Alive?
An Old Fart Banquet in Los Angeles to reminisce about the good old times!

Imperial Statesmen still Alive?
An Opium Den Gathering in Los Angeles, where there will be a lot of Opium, Vodka, Kabobs, and indeed cries and moans about sufferings and pains of living in Exile!

Maryam Rajavi?
A new Lion and Sun Tricolor Lachak scarf!

Massoud Rajavi?
A 3 hole, Black Ski Mask (The New Al Qaeda Style)!

Dr. Adib Boroumand of Jebhe Meli?
A new Deal with Mullahs!

Dr. Ebrahim Yazdi of Nehzat Azadi?
A Life!

Ahmad Madani?
The Book: Dreams of Presidency!

Foroud Fouladvand?
A new Opium set [manqal (grill), vafur (pipe), samawar (tea boiler), ...]!

Dr. Manouchehr Ganji?
An actual fabric Derafsh-e Kaviyani Banner to replace his old cheap paper kind!

Sam Ghandchi?
A box of new Hi-Tech Intelligent Ghands (Sugar Cubes) which self dissolves in the mouth (no extra efforts required)!

Dariush Homayoun?
A custom-made License Plate: "Born Again Monarchist - Ex SUMKA Nazi"

Aryo Pirouznia?
Imported Karchak Oil from Qom, for spit shining bald heads!

Osama Bin Ladin?
Sallah al Din's wardrobe!

Saddam Hussein?
Shirin Ebadi as a new lawyer for Afterlife Court!

Iranian Satellite Television Owners?
A new garage studio!

Iranian Television Show Hosts?
An instruction video by Fereydoun Farokhzad on how to be a showman!

Iranian Radios?
More cheese to create cheesy programming!

Iranian Exiled Media?
More Bull Shiite to feed people!

Iranian Exiled Music Stars?
Talent!

New Rising Stars of Iranian Pop Music?
2 Butt Plugs: one to shove/plug their mouths and the 2nd one to shove/plug their ....!

Iranian Man-Whore singers (Bache Kuns) of Los Angeles?
Imported Big Boned, pure breed Persian Donkeys to Frag them up the Shiiter, so their throats opens up and their voices clears up (Sedashun baz beshe)!

Iranian Female Pop Singers?
A new career in pornography!

Iranian New "Jendeh Jat" Female Stars of Los Angeles?
Guide Book: "Bitch you can't sing, so move to Hollywood Boulevard!"

Iranian Pop music lyricists?
A pot full o piss to wash their lyrics with!

Iranian Actors?
Daytime jobs!

Zia Atabay?
A new hair piece!

Manuk Khodabakhshiyan?
A soccer ball to play with and a roll of scotch tape for the mouth, to avoid preaching politics!

Dr. Ahura (Yazidi) Yazdi?
A 7 passenger Canoe to row to Iran with his cult, for his next exodus episode to Iran!

Shahram K (Shahram-e Gay)?
A new Big Black Boy Friend right out of the State Prison!

Googoosh?
A new Jet Turbo Dildo model # 747, cause nothing else would do the job!

Ramesh?
A new Bull Dyke, Butch Girl, Iranian Lezbo with hairy legs!

Shohreh?
A Kilo of a prime uncut Cocaine!

Leila Forouhar?
A stretch bench to stretch and add to her height!

Khordadian?
A Big Boned Hairy Iranian Bear to do the Tango with!

Iranian businesses and stores in Westwood, LA?
New Iranian Flags with Star of David center piece, to decorate the store fronts!

Iranian Car Dealers?
"Get out of jail free cards" for selling salvaged cars!

Iranian Lawyers?
Real Law Degrees!

Bache Kunis of Los Angeles?
Doodool Burgers!

Bache Riqus and Bi-Halls of Los Angeles?
Natural Chinese Herb "Ginsengs" to get energy so they can get with the program!

Monarchist Leaders?
Natural Chinese Herb "Ginkgo Biloba" to cure Monarcho-Amnesia, so they can remember their past actions, promises and lies!

Iranian Muslim?
3 Step Program: How to become Iranian again!

Iranian-American Youth?
Guide book: How to speak Persian and have Iranian National Identity!

Iranian Youth in Tehran?
Guide book: How to quit drugs, stand up against Islam and commit to a Revolution!

Iranian Torshideh single girls over 30, still living with their parents?
For God's sake, a husband!

Iranian Traditional Men?
Iranian Traditional mini skirt wearing "Chunky Little Blondes" with white Abgushti Beefy Thighs!

Iranian Men?
Effort to kiss their women and tell them that they love them!

Iranian Women?
Fuel to burn Chadors and Lachaks!

Eye-Rainians?
A new Eye to keep on the Rain to irrigate Iranian barren lands!

Iranians?
A new Will, to rise up!

Ahreeman?
Your Health and Happiness in year 2566!

Now C'mon here and kiss Poppa Ahreeman for Nowruz!

Who loves you babies?
Ahreeman indeed!
Who else?!

Do you feel it? Spring is in the air!

Happy Persian New Year to All,
Nowruz-etan Piruz!

Dr. X

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